Choose Your Own Adventure

I've done my fair share of luxury travel. I've done the all inclusive resorts, the five star hotels. The nightlife, the VIP section of the club, the bottles of Dom Pérignon. And sure, I had fun. But that's all it was, a bit of fun. That doesn't stay with you. I don't have much to say about those trips, all I got from them was a few Instagramable pictures. Nothing ever went wrong. There was no excitement, no adrenaline rush. Everything was so perfect, and looking back, that's what makes them so dull.

I'll never forget that journey to Vilanculos. I'll never forget how rewarding it felt when I finally got there. I'll never forget that walk on the beach I took a few hours later. Tears streaming down my face, questioning every choice I've made in life, examining every aspect of my character. Blaming myself, hating myself, doubting myself. Now there's a fucking memory. Those are the moments that will stick with me forever.

And yeah, those moments sucked at the time. I had a broken heart and a million regrets. But boy did I have a story to tell. It was the best trip of my life. I learnt more about myself in those two and a half weeks more than I have my whole life. I'd pick a trip like that over ten perfect trips any day. Because when you feel like you've reached the edge of your mental and physical limits, that's when things start getting interesting. You'll come face to face with who you are in the absence of comfort. I don't regret it, not one bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be down in it every time you travel. You don't have to be miserable and in tears to discover new things about yourself. That was just my story. But if you do get lost in the middle of nowhere with no WiFi or end up in a sweltering hostel with a bed that feels like a brick, embrace it. You'll have a story to tell, and you've also taught yourself a new lesson. Like to download an offline map and to read reviews online before staying somewhere.

Take me for example. I got my phone stolen in a massive house rave in Maputo, few days before I was meant to fly back. I got ignored three times by the person I thought I could count on the most. My Airbnb host was in South Africa, so I couldn't ask her for help. There was no clock at the apartment and I didn't have a watch, so I had no idea what the time was in the day. The guard downstairs didn't speak a word of english, and all I could manage was 'tudo bem' and 'sal e limão'. Because of course the most important thing to learn in a foreign country is salt and lemon. How else would you order a tequila? No phone meant no map, no taxi, no alarm to wake me up in time for my flight, and no easing my mums worries by messaging her every hour of the day to tell her I'm alive and well and haven't been raped by a gang of Mozambicans.

In the end? A friend I made there lent me her sisters phone for a couple days. I was fine. Everything was fine.

The best part of it all? It shined a light on the kindness of strangers. By being vulnerable I saw the compassion in others. Like the time I was lost and had no idea where the buses that went to Vilanculos were. Again, I was rescued by a generous and warm hearted stranger. He walked with me for over thirty minutes. I will never forget him. Regular reminders of why you should have faith in humanity sure is good for the soul.

Try and willingly put yourself in situations where you have no idea how you're going to respond. Travel solo. Take chances. Go do something you've always wanted. Something you're passionate about. Even if it's hard. Even if you're scared. Because in the end things will turn out just fine. And you'll be glad you did it.

So you can keep your cabana beds, your hours of sunbathing under the blazing sun and your room service. I've been there, done that. I want the adrenaline rush, I want the danger, I want not knowing what's next. I've got a lot planned for this year. Just for me, no one else. I'm choosing my own adventure.

Table for one please. 

Promise Me One Thing

How do you know when you love someone? Does it hit you like a bag of bricks? An arrow? Or is it a choice? Do you take into account their attributes and decide that you love them?

For me, I'm not quite sure how it happened. To be honest, the whole thing was such a whirlwind of emotions that I can't even tell you how it started. I feel like I just woke up one day and got slapped in the face with it. I didn't get to sit down, weigh up the pro's and con's and use my discretion to make a decision. In fact, I didn't use my head at all. I closed my eyes and jumped. Free falling without a parachute. 

Love should be a choice. And that choice should be based on many factors: goals in life, character, principles, humour, chemistry, intelligence, logic, looks, and so on. The weight of each factor fluctuates depending on the individual. Some may value intelligence more than looks, and some might not even care if their partner has an IQ of room temperature. It all depends on the person. Taking all these factors into consideration, you can then decide. Do you start to love this person or not?

And it's no good just looking at the other person. Are you ready yourself? Are you willing to put some of your wants aside? To compromise? I'm not sure whether to believe in the whole right person, wrong time thing. You could argue that if they were the right person then you would make sure it's the right time. That you would do everything in your power to make the relationship work. But life isn't as easy as that. Sometimes you're not in the right head space. Sometimes you're just simply not ready.

You could call me selfish for the way I acted. I wanted to keep him as close as I could, but at the same time deep down, I knew a relationship wasn't what I wanted. I knew I wanted him, I just didn't want the rest of the baggage that came with a relationship. I know he wasn't ready either, even though he would tell you he was. I think we were both so bamboozled by the sexual attraction that every other factor went out the window. He would tell me that I'm the most attractive girl he'd ever met, and I think that was all it was. Come to think of it, I don't think he loved anything else about me. I was a wild child, while he was quite reserved. I was a chatty patty in big groups, him not so much. I'm quite easygoing and carefree, meanwhile he was picky and placed importance on such small things. I get attention when I go out, and I think he would've been more comfortable with a girl that blends in the background. There's many reasons why we didn't work out, but it simply comes down to one thing.

We just wasn't meant to be.

Relationships are like.... let's say horse riding. You jump up and start to ride. It could be a smooth ride, or the horse could go ballistic and start rearing, putting you in a difficult position. The arguments, the disagreements, the fights, the little things that start annoying you. You start wondering if you made the right choice. You then have to come to a decision. Do you hold on for dear life, or do you let go and fall? You might decide that you want to cling on and hope that the horse calms down. You try and persevere and in the end you manage to stay on the horse. You might realise that the ride was worth it. Or you might opt to let go and fall. The fall might make you stronger, or it might make you injured and miserable. You may not trust horses for a while but sooner or later, you'll be back at the stables ready to ride again. It could be another bumpy ride, or this time it could be just a few hurdles. Either way, another choice. Hold on or fall?

Sometimes it is easy to love, and sometimes it is difficult. Love is on one end whilst hate is on the other, and the pendulum oscillates between the two points. One day you choose to love them, the next day you could choose to hate them. But ultimately, it is always a choice. We fall in and out of love in relationships all the time. People that have been together for many years didn't spend everyday of those years madly in love with each other. The reason why some relationships don't last is because some people think if they're not crazy for each other then they shouldn't be together. Your feelings vary depending on the relationship, but also how happy you are in your own life.

And yes, sometimes there is a drift. A drift so far that there's no coming back. Sometimes the pendulum can stop swinging back and forth, until you feel nothing for the person. Until you don't know who you are anymore. Until you don't even like yourself anymore. Then you make the choice. You fall.

So make the decision. Do you choose to love them? Yes or no? It's your choice. If you choose to love them, love with all your might, with everything you've got. Love them until you feel like you're going to burst. If you choose no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.

Six Sexual Positions For The Incompetent

He asks you to get on top? You go to a spinning class once in a while but come on, you're no olympian. Tell the boy you signed up for sex, not Virgin Active. What is he trying to call you fat or something? That you need to burn more calories? Okay, listen up. Now is your chance to cry, but not too much. You don't want to ruin the mood completely. Make him feel bad. He'll get on top and won't ask for another few weeks.

1) Doggy

Look, I know you're meant to arch your back so far that your lumbar vertebrae is on the brink of snapping. But lets face it, you are not a porn star. You've got work tomorrow and can't afford to have any injuries. Pretend you've lost something under the sofa and you're trying to dig it out. That'll do.

2) Play Dead

Who said you don't get his adrenaline going? Once he starts thinking that you're actually dead, open your eyes and tell him it's role play. Duh. Now you can stay in whatever position you're in. Pros: You don't need to move, hurrah! Cons: If he's okay with this you might want to rethink about seeing him again.

3) BDSM Artifice
Get him to tie up your limbs. Whoops! You can't possibly contribute, even if you wanted to. You're welcome. Pros: He now thinks you're kinky. Cons: He now thinks you're kinky.

4) Pooping In The Woods
You give in and it's time to get on top. Alright, just pretend you're pooping in the woods. Or like the time you got drunk and pee'd in an alleyway, and wiggled to get the last drops of pee off your vajayjay. Ta daaaa!

5) Starfish 
Lay there like a starfish, you can start on your back then turn over and lay on your stomach. If he asks what you're doing, tell him that you're a starfish floating to the shore. If he says starfish don't flip over tell him to use his fucking imagination. The waves are violent. Who says you don't change it up?

6) That sideways one
It's like you're spooning but with added fork. Since you're hands-free for this, you can eat that last cheese toastie you were saving for later while he plows away.


Disclaimer: These methods have not been tried and tested (or maybe they have and had no pay-off). I take no responsibility if your boyfriend/husband/play thing leaves you. Did your mother not tell you to not take advice from a single girl?!

Eight Wishes

My mum was sneaky with this picture

The temperature outside was -6 degrees but I couldn't feel the cold in the hot tub. The water was piping, but because of the freezing weather it felt perfect against my skin. We went to Lake Tahoe and stayed at The Ridge for a few days while I was in America. It was beautiful.

I saw eight shooting stars that night. Magical. I made eight wishes and I wished for the same thing again and again. Eight times. It's gotta come true, right?

The sky was starlit. There must've been a thousand stars up there, millions of miles way. And for all I knew, some of them could've been dead. I saw their light, it's just that the light I saw was from the past. Their light keeps lingering in those spaces which you think have been emptied. But they haven't, and they can never be filled by another star. I sat there staring at the tranquil sky for what seemed like an hour, it was probably two (I had a stiff neck after). I felt peace. I hadn't felt that in a while. For a moment I felt like everything around me had stopped. I couldn't even hear anyone talking. It was just me, the sky, and these shooting stars.

Have you ever been stargazing? It soothed my heart. It somehow alleviated my problems. We put such importance on everything that's going wrong, but in those breathtaking moments when I saw the little chunks of rock glow and burn into nothing, all my worries felt inconsequential. Suddenly there was a dance that existed between my head, my heart and my soul. I found out what my song sounds like, even off key.

Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)

How To Be A Perfect Hot Mess In 3 Steps

It's 4:13am. I can't sleep.



Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.

I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...

*Drum roll please*

THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.

The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.

Step one: Get it out in the open.

Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:

I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.

Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.

Step two: Feel alive.

Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.

Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.

Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.

Merry Christmas x

Bumble & Fish

I became besties with our neighbours horse 

I'm back, sad times. It's bloody cold and jet lag is being a bitch. By the time I get sleepy it's going to be time to get up for work. I can't sleep so I might as well start planning my next trip, I can't stay here for too long. This year I did three countries, next year I'm aiming for four. Let's see how it goes. Anyway..

I don't have many friends in San Jose, so while I was there I thought to join Bumble. For those of you who don't know, Bumble started off as a dating app, but then added a 'friends' and 'networking' feature too (I think.. Or maybe it started off with all three features. I don't know I'm not an expert maybe I should've googled it before writing this but it's too late now). I looked at the friends section first but I felt kind of weird swiping right for girls. What would you even say? What do you swipe right based on? 'Hey you're really pretty, let's be friends?' Yeah, I felt like a creep.

I went onto the dating side. I swiped left for every single guy (minus one that looked like something out of a movie but I didn't meet up with him because I don't have an excuse I've got issues) so it was kinda pointless but as I was doing that, I noticed something. These guys loved posing with fish. Most guys take pictures with cute dogs and that I understand. I think that's pretty smart, girls love cute dogs. Maybe they'll even forget about his not so attractive face for a second and swipe right just for the dog. But fish? Was this the norm out here? Do fish excite these American girls? Do they have some sort of fetish for fishermen? Is it to say 'hey look I can provide for our family I can catch fish now come get this dick' ?!?

I don't know what the obsession was, but I found it fucking hilarious. So I made it my mission to find as many pictures as I could with men posing with fish. I only stopped cause I got bored and deleted my account, I reckon I could've found hundreds if I carried on. Every other guy had a fish in their hand.

Here's Bryce and Matthew looking very happy with their fish. Chad looks a bit surprised as if he doesn't know how that fish got there.

These three are showing off their kissing abilities. A bit too wide there, Kyle. And is your whole tongue out Michael? Have some flaming decorum. Jeez.

Taylor was out to impress with a double whammy. If that wasn't enough, he even posted a second pic. This ones a keeper girls. Alex however, will slit your throat if you misbehave, just like how he did with that fish. No but why does he look so happy this is ridiculous lolol

Zack is making a point here. He can catch loads of fish. Real big ones. Maybe the bigger the fish the bigger the penis. I don't know I'm just throwing ideas out there. Either way, he's a show off. No one likes a show off, Zack.

Matt and Greg are really thinking outside the box. 'Fish? Meh, everyone can catch fish. We've caught crabs'. They could also be letting you know they have an STI. I would stay away from Matt and Greg, just in case.

Matthew catches sharks. And turtles. Matthew is basically a psycho serial killer. Report Matthew. 

If any of you guys that have been posted on here come across this blog, please don't sue me. Well you can, I don't have much money anyway.

10 Boxing Day Sales Tips

I mean, who doesn't want to experience a war while they're shopping?  

You could lose an eye but is it not worth the £5 you just saved?! They say it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Don't listen to they, that's the best part. Beat up someones nan. Battle a little boy for his LEGO set and give him a deep wedgie. Kick a dad in the bollocks. Punch his wife in the ovaries. Pull her hair. Snatch that Barbie Dolphin Magic Transforming Doll from a seven year olds hands. Taste her tears. 

You came to win and you came to win big. Here's some tips for you to succeed:

• Set up a pop up tent right outside your favourite store. Piss in a bottle and use that for warmth e.g a hot water bottle, or even a pillow. Don't get it on your hands. If you do, Bear Grylls has survived worse. You'll be okay.

• Bring the whole family. The bigger the crowd you are, the more territory you can cover. If you know someone that's come out of jail with face tattoos, even better. Invite him. He's scary and I bet he can carry two flat screen TV's on each arm.

• If you don't know anyone with face tattoos, cake yourself in war paint. Make yourself look terrifying. Pour fake blood over yourself to make it look like you've just slaughtered someone. Bring a pseudo semi-automatic shotgun. Don't get arrested. 

• Wear a mask that covers your whole face in case you get pepper sprayed. Better yet, bring pepper spray to use on others. Still wear the mask though cause pepper spray goes everywhere. I experienced this first hand in 2010 (not whilst shopping).

• Go around telling people you're a Jehovah Witness and ask if they have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ your saviour. They will walk away from those half price jeans you wanted.

• Buy night vision goggles. Have sex with an IT guy the night before and tape it. Blackmail him and tell him you will show it to his mother if he doesn't hack into the store's network and shut off their electricity. While everyone else is flailing about in darkness, your family will pillage without mercy. Since CCTV is down, you're welcome to knock out anyone that gets in your way.

• If your seducing skills are abominable and IT guy doesn't fall for your trap, buy tear gas. Protect your own eyes. No one else can see anything. You're welcome.

• Steal a skunk from the zoo. Use it as a weapon while it sprays from its anal glands. If it gets on you, don't worry. It will repel other people.

• Shriek ALLAHU AKBAR from the top of your lungs as you gallop around with a backpack. Everyone runs out. You have the whole store to yourself. Boom.

• Blow flour in people's faces and tell them its cocaine. Hold their head and stuff more up their nose for a greater impact. Run around them in circles whilst chanting satanic rituals. They have a panic attack while you get that last cute crop top in your size.

Disclaimer: I don't participate in sales. I take no responsibility if you try any of the tips mentioned. Good luck to you. May the odds be ever in your favour. 

Self-love & Growth

We're gonna get real spiritual up in this bitch.

When I came back from Mozambique, I was a big ball of angry mess. I was angry with myself, angry with my decisions, angry with the world. I hated everything. I was lost. 'When you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realise that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't know from which direction the sun rises anymore'.

It was destructive. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was losing myself. Self help books were a bore and I'd roll my eyes at every sentence before throwing the book in the corner of the room. I ended up putting them all in the recycling bin. I was even angry at the author for making it sound so easy. I thought maybe I just had to go through the motions and live life in a mechanical manner, until one day I miraculously wake up and be happy again. But that wasn't working for me. I got sick of it and realised that I'm too brilliant for this. I hadn't quite seen all my brilliance yet, but I knew I was too brilliant for this. This reality didn't fit my DNA. I started watching motivational videos. I fell in love with one and watched the same hour long video every night for two weeks. Every night I watched it like it was my first time seeing it. I took notes. I watched it until I knew every word off by heart and I could finish his sentences. I was in awe of him. He was fantastic.

I'll tell you what he taught me and I'll tell you what I did to mend myself.

I stuck post it notes all around my room. Labelled with all the things I am.

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.

.. And so on. I am, I am, I am. I'd wake up and drill I am. I'd say it out loud and I'd say it until I believed it. Every morning I'd wake up and say one thing I forgive myself for. That was not easy, it took a while. Forgiving yourself is much harder than believing yourself. I found myself having to talk to myself in my head during the day because just saying it in the morning wasn't enough. I'd also say the things I was proud of myself for.

I am.
I forgive you for.
I'm proud of you for.

Everyday I started my sentences off with that. I felt stupid at first, talking to myself out loud like a loony. But it really did help.

Am I pulling out a wedgie? Am I scratching my arse? Find out on next weeks episode of I am a wasteman and this was a dead joke

We try so hard to be perfect, to make few mistakes as possible. But I learnt my best lessons in my greatest mistakes, so don't be afraid of making them. Lessons don't come with hugs and roses. Lessons don't come wrapped in ribbons. Lessons aren't delivered outside your door by a stork. My greatest lessons came with tears on my pillow. They came with weeks of pain and suffering. They came with heartbreak. They came with me crying on Skype to my mum. They came with my lungs feeling like they shattered every time I took a breath. These lessons, they're not easy. The lessons are there so you don't make the same mistake again. Don't make the same mistakes as me and not learn from them the first time.

People want the convenience of transformation without the inconvenience required for transformation. Growth is uncomfortable. Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. We are biologically wired to stay within a certain zone of comfort and to avoid the seemingly unnecessary pain that comes from stretching beyond it. You find people saying 'oh I've always been this way' or 'you know what I'm like', okay well if that's working for you then you do you. You won't become who you want because you're too attached to who you've been. It's hard, changing yourself. Believe me I know. Sometimes your greatest leap comes from being fed up with something. Your greatest leap comes with being done with something. I had hit my version of rock bottom. I was fighting the start of  depression. It hadn't fully got me yet but I could feel it lurking. If I had carried on going down the path I was going, it would've snatched me and swallowed me whole.

I looked at every toxic behaviour in my life. I came face to face with it. People don't want to tell on themselves. You're trying to do four things: protect, prove, hide and defend. Your energy is consumed with it. If you wake up everyday saying I have nothing to protect, I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to defend, and you let go of that, then you're now in creation. You can be whatever you want to be. Some of us are more committed to keep the company we're keeping than we are being the person we're designed to be. We want to grow but we still want to stay liked by everybody.

Listen to this (or read this even):

Cognitive dissonance is the form of mental disruption when you literally disrupt your own mind by thinking of yourself in a way that doesn't match your current behaviour. It's beyond your current behaviour. Your mind will be uncomfortable because it doesn't match. So your mind will begin to call you to do the thing to make your mental conversation match your behaviour. Do you know how crazy that is? Read that again if you don't understand. Read it a few times. The mind is a powerful thing. If you try hard enough, if you want it bad enough, you can mould yourself into the person you want to be. Disrupt any form of complacency you might have in mediocracy. Your 70% might be someones 150%, but it's still only your 70%.

Now? I feel invincible. There's absolutely nothing you can do to make me doubt the person I am today. I've worked hard at it. My confidence is sky high. I'm still a work in progress but everyone should be. I feel powerful. I'm numb to the world but that's just a defence mechanism and I believe that will go in time. I'm learning to forgive someone who isn't sorry, because I refuse to be shackled to the past. The choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life. So I'm learning to let go of the hate too. Sometimes the flashbacks make me stare so deep into space that I only realise I've zoned out when I have someone waving their hand in my face. But I don't want to pollute my heart with anger. I'm learning to treat it as nothing but a memory, and a lesson. The heartache, pain and disappointment I experienced served me a purpose. It awaked me to my greatest self. People can perceive these things as being broken, or they need fixing. You may feel like you're broken, but think of it as you're shedding. You're shedding your old self to make room for the new. All you need is a little self-love and self-acceptance. Don't look for these things in other people. Sure, it offers reassurance but it will last a second. Don't spend a lifetime trying to fix yourself to be perfect to appeal to others. Be willing to be your own rescue at the risk of their approval. Wake up everyday and love yourself, their love is extra. 

I hope you can take something from this. I took bits and pieces of what I've learnt and added it in here. I hope it stirred your soul like it did mine. If you felt a slight tinge of something then you're still in the game. It's never too late. Be willing to completely die to any form of you that you have been, so you can birth the person you are becoming. 

All My Teeth Dropped Out

I wish someone could cut me up and read me from the inside. Open up my brain and study it. Translate it.

Cause I don't have the answers.

I wish someone, a stranger, would examine me. Not a friend because friends are biased, no matter how hard they try not to be.

A stranger.

I wish I could sit in front of them and have them look inside my soul. Unravel me. Open up all the twists and undo all the knots and read my heart for what it is. I wish they would tell me all the good thats inside of me cause lord knows I need to hear it.

Or is the good in me latent?

After a long pause, after their words have sunk in, I wish they would tell me the bad, one by one, without judgement. With a smile, but not a patronising one.

I want them to take me by the hand, like the three ghosts did with Scrooge, and show me my past, present and future. Show me where I went wrong. Praise me for the times I did right.

Strange how humans work. Don't you think? Strange how sometimes we know the answers but still seek validation from other people. Am I making a mistake? Will I regret this? If only we could look into a crystal ball and see the consequences of our actions before we make them.

I dreamt that all my teeth fell out last night. It was so graphic. It started with my third molars, they became loose and fell out in my mouth. No blood, no bits of gum stuck to the tooth, it just came out clean. Then it worked its way through till I had no teeth left. They'd become wobbly, I would sit still and cry and pray it would stay in. I was too scared to touch my teeth with my tongue, I thought maybe if I didn't move they'd stay in place. But no, one by one they'd fall out. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking it was real.

I googled the meaning out of curiosity. Here are some of them:

'Teeth falling out are associated with loss and important life changes. This symbol points to feelings of insecurity or vulnerability regarding a recent event that disrupted your life.'

'Such dreams indicate that you are dealing with loss in one way or another: It could be a sudden loss, like an abrupt end to a relationship or job change; it could also be a more gradual process of releasing old ways of living and adopting new habits.'

'Dreams about teeth falling out could represent the cost of making a compromise that is not satisfying for you or is bringing your life out of balance. We tend to have this type of dream when we are confronted with decisions to make, but feel we have limited options available.'

'A modern perspective emphasizes teeth as symbol of the process of growing up, expanding and developing yourself.'

'Dreaming that your teeth fall out could therefore signal that you are in the process of changing, growing out of the old into the new.'

'.. Suggests that you are dealing with an event or situation in your life that prompts you to deal with change and find support wherever you can.'

'It may point to the need to take care of yourself while you’re undergoing radical changes in your life. It may be an indication that you’re in the process of growing, discovering and developing aspects of yourself that were previously hidden or neglected.'

'Be sure to acknowledge that you need to take it easy on you, perhaps take some rest and give yourself the support you need to accomplish the task at hand or challenge the obstacles that are on your way.'

'One of the most popular interpretations to teeth falling out in our dreams is related to anxiety'

'Another interpretation of this dream can also be related to a costly compromise. Perhaps you have agreed to something that will require a lot of your time and energy or possibly cost a lot of money.'

I don't normally believe in this stuff but its so crazy cause I can relate to most of them. Apart from the anxiety I can only see this as a positive. I'm trying to change for the better and its like my subconscious mind knows it too.

13 days till departure.

27 Days Till Lift-off

It's October. Countdown begins.

This year is the first year I'm going to spend my birthday on my own. I'm not upset about it. I was at first, I thought I'd feel really lonely but I'm content with it now. It's just another day anyway. (This is coming from someone who used to party from four days leading up to her birthday. Who even am I?) To be honest, it has the potential to be the best birthday yet. It's what you make of it. If I sit there with a sad face feeling sorry for myself of course it's going to be shit. I was thinking I could buy a cake and go share it with random locals - and pray that they don't see it as a suggestion to get into bed with me. Or they might give me a forlorn look and take a slice out of pity. Or they might think I'm a complete weirdo and shoo me away, who walks around and hands out cake?

I had a really bad day yesterday. Really really bad day. Like, turn on the shower so no one hears you sobbing bad day. I retrogressed back to square one. I was silly to think it was going to be onwards and upwards, not that it was, but I didn't think I could go back to that state. Shit happens though, its sad but I'm getting used to it.

So to cheer myself up I went to Paperchase because nothing cheers me up more than buying stationary I'll never use. No really, Paperchase has me by the balls. Highlighters that look like pandas? I definitely need those. A pencil case thats shaped like a watermelon? I can't not buy that. A mini plastic container that holds a mini fork and spoon inside? Well duh, I obviously need to carry cutlery around with me, especially mini ones! See. I'm a sucker for Paperchase. This time I feel like I bought something that I'll actually use though. I'm not taking my laptop to Mozambique with me cause I don't want it to get stolen, but I still want to write. So I bought a notebook.


Of course it couldn't be a cheap plain one that would still get the job done. Of course it had to have a map on it. Of course I had to get the matching pen. Come on guys, get with it.

Then later on I got dressed up to go to a club, I didn't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. But I, no exaggeration, sat down at the table and yawned all the way through it. Left. Forgot where I parked my car. Searched for 30 minutes. In heels. Got myself a burger and drove home. Not very exciting. Am I a granny now? I'm even losing my memory.

I feel like my quarter life crisis is brewing. I may or may not be very close to a mental breakdown. I'm not saying I'm going full throttle Britney Spears in 2007, but I am saying I'm cutting my hair. Short. Because nothing says new me than a new hairdo.

Wish me luck.

Cheese is crack?

The devil was working hard yesterday. I had a shit day. It did end with some Homeslice though, which turned things around. Pizza obviously solves everything. Or is it cheese?

.. Okay I just googled if cheese releases endorphins and it apparently triggers the same part of the brain as drugs. So eating cheese is basically like smoking crack. I knew it. Now I know why I'm addicted. So, cheese made me happy again and now I feel like a new woman.

I've got the day off tomorrow. Getting my jabs done at 9:30am then heading off to the embassy to get my visa. I'm really excited but nervous at the same time. I'm not sure why but they require proof of everything, where you're staying being one of them. So I've had to book everything before even getting a visa. I've got my accommodation booked: apartment in Maputo, hotel in Tofo, hotel in Vilanculos, then another apartment for when I come back to Maputo. (It's not really a hotel but I don't know what else to call it, a motel?) I've booked two other flights because I needed all my dates to work out, if they didn't have flights on the day of my check out I'd be pissed. So I've paid for everything. Imagine my face if they tell me my application has been denied. I rebuke it in Jesus name.

(I'm not religious but if I could ask for anyones help right now it would deffo be Jesus. Or Allah, I'm not fussy.)

Pray for me guys.