10 Boxing Day Sales Tips

I mean, who doesn't want to experience a war while they're shopping?  

You could lose an eye but is it not worth the £5 you just saved?! They say it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Don't listen to they, that's the best part. Beat up someones nan. Battle a little boy for his LEGO set and give him a deep wedgie. Kick a dad in the bollocks. Punch his wife in the ovaries. Pull her hair. Snatch that Barbie Dolphin Magic Transforming Doll from a seven year olds hands. Taste her tears. 

You came to win and you came to win big. Here's some tips for you to succeed:

• Set up a pop up tent right outside your favourite store. Piss in a bottle and use that for warmth e.g a hot water bottle, or even a pillow. Don't get it on your hands. If you do, Bear Grylls has survived worse. You'll be okay.

• Bring the whole family. The bigger the crowd you are, the more territory you can cover. If you know someone that's come out of jail with face tattoos, even better. Invite him. He's scary and I bet he can carry two flat screen TV's on each arm.

• If you don't know anyone with face tattoos, cake yourself in war paint. Make yourself look terrifying. Pour fake blood over yourself to make it look like you've just slaughtered someone. Bring a pseudo semi-automatic shotgun. Don't get arrested. 

• Wear a mask that covers your whole face in case you get pepper sprayed. Better yet, bring pepper spray to use on others. Still wear the mask though cause pepper spray goes everywhere. I experienced this first hand in 2010 (not whilst shopping).

• Go around telling people you're a Jehovah Witness and ask if they have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ your saviour. They will walk away from those half price jeans you wanted.

• Buy night vision goggles. Have sex with an IT guy the night before and tape it. Blackmail him and tell him you will show it to his mother if he doesn't hack into the store's network and shut off their electricity. While everyone else is flailing about in darkness, your family will pillage without mercy. Since CCTV is down, you're welcome to knock out anyone that gets in your way.

• If your seducing skills are abominable and IT guy doesn't fall for your trap, buy tear gas. Protect your own eyes. No one else can see anything. You're welcome.

• Steal a skunk from the zoo. Use it as a weapon while it sprays from its anal glands. If it gets on you, don't worry. It will repel other people.

• Shriek ALLAHU AKBAR from the top of your lungs as you gallop around with a backpack. Everyone runs out. You have the whole store to yourself. Boom.

• Blow flour in people's faces and tell them its cocaine. Hold their head and stuff more up their nose for a greater impact. Run around them in circles whilst chanting satanic rituals. They have a panic attack while you get that last cute crop top in your size.

Disclaimer: I don't participate in sales. I take no responsibility if you try any of the tips mentioned. Good luck to you. May the odds be ever in your favour.