Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.
I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...
*Drum roll please*
THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.
The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.
There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.
Step one: Get it out in the open.
Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:
I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.
Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.
Step two: Feel alive.
Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.
Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.
Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.
Merry Christmas x
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