Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)