Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)

How To Be A Perfect Hot Mess In 3 Steps

It's 4:13am. I can't sleep.



Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.

I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...

*Drum roll please*

THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.

The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.

Step one: Get it out in the open.

Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:

I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.

Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.

Step two: Feel alive.

Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.

Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.

Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.

Merry Christmas x

Bumble & Fish

I became besties with our neighbours horse 

I'm back, sad times. It's bloody cold and jet lag is being a bitch. By the time I get sleepy it's going to be time to get up for work. I can't sleep so I might as well start planning my next trip, I can't stay here for too long. This year I did three countries, next year I'm aiming for four. Let's see how it goes. Anyway..

I don't have many friends in San Jose, so while I was there I thought to join Bumble. For those of you who don't know, Bumble started off as a dating app, but then added a 'friends' and 'networking' feature too (I think.. Or maybe it started off with all three features. I don't know I'm not an expert maybe I should've googled it before writing this but it's too late now). I looked at the friends section first but I felt kind of weird swiping right for girls. What would you even say? What do you swipe right based on? 'Hey you're really pretty, let's be friends?' Yeah, I felt like a creep.

I went onto the dating side. I swiped left for every single guy (minus one that looked like something out of a movie but I didn't meet up with him because I don't have an excuse I've got issues) so it was kinda pointless but as I was doing that, I noticed something. These guys loved posing with fish. Most guys take pictures with cute dogs and that I understand. I think that's pretty smart, girls love cute dogs. Maybe they'll even forget about his not so attractive face for a second and swipe right just for the dog. But fish? Was this the norm out here? Do fish excite these American girls? Do they have some sort of fetish for fishermen? Is it to say 'hey look I can provide for our family I can catch fish now come get this dick' ?!?

I don't know what the obsession was, but I found it fucking hilarious. So I made it my mission to find as many pictures as I could with men posing with fish. I only stopped cause I got bored and deleted my account, I reckon I could've found hundreds if I carried on. Every other guy had a fish in their hand.

Here's Bryce and Matthew looking very happy with their fish. Chad looks a bit surprised as if he doesn't know how that fish got there.

These three are showing off their kissing abilities. A bit too wide there, Kyle. And is your whole tongue out Michael? Have some flaming decorum. Jeez.

Taylor was out to impress with a double whammy. If that wasn't enough, he even posted a second pic. This ones a keeper girls. Alex however, will slit your throat if you misbehave, just like how he did with that fish. No but why does he look so happy this is ridiculous lolol

Zack is making a point here. He can catch loads of fish. Real big ones. Maybe the bigger the fish the bigger the penis. I don't know I'm just throwing ideas out there. Either way, he's a show off. No one likes a show off, Zack.

Matt and Greg are really thinking outside the box. 'Fish? Meh, everyone can catch fish. We've caught crabs'. They could also be letting you know they have an STI. I would stay away from Matt and Greg, just in case.

Matthew catches sharks. And turtles. Matthew is basically a psycho serial killer. Report Matthew. 

If any of you guys that have been posted on here come across this blog, please don't sue me. Well you can, I don't have much money anyway.

10 Boxing Day Sales Tips

I mean, who doesn't want to experience a war while they're shopping?  

You could lose an eye but is it not worth the £5 you just saved?! They say it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Don't listen to they, that's the best part. Beat up someones nan. Battle a little boy for his LEGO set and give him a deep wedgie. Kick a dad in the bollocks. Punch his wife in the ovaries. Pull her hair. Snatch that Barbie Dolphin Magic Transforming Doll from a seven year olds hands. Taste her tears. 

You came to win and you came to win big. Here's some tips for you to succeed:

• Set up a pop up tent right outside your favourite store. Piss in a bottle and use that for warmth e.g a hot water bottle, or even a pillow. Don't get it on your hands. If you do, Bear Grylls has survived worse. You'll be okay.

• Bring the whole family. The bigger the crowd you are, the more territory you can cover. If you know someone that's come out of jail with face tattoos, even better. Invite him. He's scary and I bet he can carry two flat screen TV's on each arm.

• If you don't know anyone with face tattoos, cake yourself in war paint. Make yourself look terrifying. Pour fake blood over yourself to make it look like you've just slaughtered someone. Bring a pseudo semi-automatic shotgun. Don't get arrested. 

• Wear a mask that covers your whole face in case you get pepper sprayed. Better yet, bring pepper spray to use on others. Still wear the mask though cause pepper spray goes everywhere. I experienced this first hand in 2010 (not whilst shopping).

• Go around telling people you're a Jehovah Witness and ask if they have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ your saviour. They will walk away from those half price jeans you wanted.

• Buy night vision goggles. Have sex with an IT guy the night before and tape it. Blackmail him and tell him you will show it to his mother if he doesn't hack into the store's network and shut off their electricity. While everyone else is flailing about in darkness, your family will pillage without mercy. Since CCTV is down, you're welcome to knock out anyone that gets in your way.

• If your seducing skills are abominable and IT guy doesn't fall for your trap, buy tear gas. Protect your own eyes. No one else can see anything. You're welcome.

• Steal a skunk from the zoo. Use it as a weapon while it sprays from its anal glands. If it gets on you, don't worry. It will repel other people.

• Shriek ALLAHU AKBAR from the top of your lungs as you gallop around with a backpack. Everyone runs out. You have the whole store to yourself. Boom.

• Blow flour in people's faces and tell them its cocaine. Hold their head and stuff more up their nose for a greater impact. Run around them in circles whilst chanting satanic rituals. They have a panic attack while you get that last cute crop top in your size.

Disclaimer: I don't participate in sales. I take no responsibility if you try any of the tips mentioned. Good luck to you. May the odds be ever in your favour. 

Self-love & Growth

We're gonna get real spiritual up in this bitch.

When I came back from Mozambique, I was a big ball of angry mess. I was angry with myself, angry with my decisions, angry with the world. I hated everything. I was lost. 'When you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realise that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't know from which direction the sun rises anymore'.

It was destructive. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was losing myself. Self help books were a bore and I'd roll my eyes at every sentence before throwing the book in the corner of the room. I ended up putting them all in the recycling bin. I was even angry at the author for making it sound so easy. I thought maybe I just had to go through the motions and live life in a mechanical manner, until one day I miraculously wake up and be happy again. But that wasn't working for me. I got sick of it and realised that I'm too brilliant for this. I hadn't quite seen all my brilliance yet, but I knew I was too brilliant for this. This reality didn't fit my DNA. I started watching motivational videos. I fell in love with one and watched the same hour long video every night for two weeks. Every night I watched it like it was my first time seeing it. I took notes. I watched it until I knew every word off by heart and I could finish his sentences. I was in awe of him. He was fantastic.

I'll tell you what he taught me and I'll tell you what I did to mend myself.

I stuck post it notes all around my room. Labelled with all the things I am.

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.

.. And so on. I am, I am, I am. I'd wake up and drill I am. I'd say it out loud and I'd say it until I believed it. Every morning I'd wake up and say one thing I forgive myself for. That was not easy, it took a while. Forgiving yourself is much harder than believing yourself. I found myself having to talk to myself in my head during the day because just saying it in the morning wasn't enough. I'd also say the things I was proud of myself for.

I am.
I forgive you for.
I'm proud of you for.

Everyday I started my sentences off with that. I felt stupid at first, talking to myself out loud like a loony. But it really did help.

Am I pulling out a wedgie? Am I scratching my arse? Find out on next weeks episode of I am a wasteman and this was a dead joke

We try so hard to be perfect, to make few mistakes as possible. But I learnt my best lessons in my greatest mistakes, so don't be afraid of making them. Lessons don't come with hugs and roses. Lessons don't come wrapped in ribbons. Lessons aren't delivered outside your door by a stork. My greatest lessons came with tears on my pillow. They came with weeks of pain and suffering. They came with heartbreak. They came with me crying on Skype to my mum. They came with my lungs feeling like they shattered every time I took a breath. These lessons, they're not easy. The lessons are there so you don't make the same mistake again. Don't make the same mistakes as me and not learn from them the first time.

People want the convenience of transformation without the inconvenience required for transformation. Growth is uncomfortable. Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. We are biologically wired to stay within a certain zone of comfort and to avoid the seemingly unnecessary pain that comes from stretching beyond it. You find people saying 'oh I've always been this way' or 'you know what I'm like', okay well if that's working for you then you do you. You won't become who you want because you're too attached to who you've been. It's hard, changing yourself. Believe me I know. Sometimes your greatest leap comes from being fed up with something. Your greatest leap comes with being done with something. I had hit my version of rock bottom. I was fighting the start of  depression. It hadn't fully got me yet but I could feel it lurking. If I had carried on going down the path I was going, it would've snatched me and swallowed me whole.

I looked at every toxic behaviour in my life. I came face to face with it. People don't want to tell on themselves. You're trying to do four things: protect, prove, hide and defend. Your energy is consumed with it. If you wake up everyday saying I have nothing to protect, I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to defend, and you let go of that, then you're now in creation. You can be whatever you want to be. Some of us are more committed to keep the company we're keeping than we are being the person we're designed to be. We want to grow but we still want to stay liked by everybody.

Listen to this (or read this even):

Cognitive dissonance is the form of mental disruption when you literally disrupt your own mind by thinking of yourself in a way that doesn't match your current behaviour. It's beyond your current behaviour. Your mind will be uncomfortable because it doesn't match. So your mind will begin to call you to do the thing to make your mental conversation match your behaviour. Do you know how crazy that is? Read that again if you don't understand. Read it a few times. The mind is a powerful thing. If you try hard enough, if you want it bad enough, you can mould yourself into the person you want to be. Disrupt any form of complacency you might have in mediocracy. Your 70% might be someones 150%, but it's still only your 70%.

Now? I feel invincible. There's absolutely nothing you can do to make me doubt the person I am today. I've worked hard at it. My confidence is sky high. I'm still a work in progress but everyone should be. I feel powerful. I'm numb to the world but that's just a defence mechanism and I believe that will go in time. I'm learning to forgive someone who isn't sorry, because I refuse to be shackled to the past. The choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life. So I'm learning to let go of the hate too. Sometimes the flashbacks make me stare so deep into space that I only realise I've zoned out when I have someone waving their hand in my face. But I don't want to pollute my heart with anger. I'm learning to treat it as nothing but a memory, and a lesson. The heartache, pain and disappointment I experienced served me a purpose. It awaked me to my greatest self. People can perceive these things as being broken, or they need fixing. You may feel like you're broken, but think of it as you're shedding. You're shedding your old self to make room for the new. All you need is a little self-love and self-acceptance. Don't look for these things in other people. Sure, it offers reassurance but it will last a second. Don't spend a lifetime trying to fix yourself to be perfect to appeal to others. Be willing to be your own rescue at the risk of their approval. Wake up everyday and love yourself, their love is extra. 

I hope you can take something from this. I took bits and pieces of what I've learnt and added it in here. I hope it stirred your soul like it did mine. If you felt a slight tinge of something then you're still in the game. It's never too late. Be willing to completely die to any form of you that you have been, so you can birth the person you are becoming. 

Leaving It Unfinished, Sorry

I'm going to leave that story there.

My intention wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings. It was just a way to get my anger out and I admit, I should've just wrote it in a notebook. I in no way tried to paint myself as an angel with a halo above my head. As I said, I was in the wrong. This whole thing started out because I did wrong. But this blog was about my trip, and I was only explaining things that happened on my trip. If I had known that my words on here would affect someone negatively, I never would've started it.

So, what can you take from my story? What I've learnt is, you can't un-love someone. It doesn't leave.   You don't wake up one day and decide you no longer want what's best for them. You can try as hard as you want but the love will still be there. It's forever from the very beginning. It's forever before either of you even realise what's happening. It's forever without your permission and it's forever when it's hit rock bottom. It will get easier, but it will still be forever. But it's okay to love people from a distance.

I use my story as my fuel and not my fortress. He took a part of me that I'll never get back, and that is fine. He took naivety. He took dishonesty. He took the part of me that didn't think about consequences. He took weak. He took the parts that I didn't want. So I can only try and see this as a positive. I wear what I've been as a badge, not with honour but not with ignominy either. A liar? I've been that. A cheater? I've been that. I've got the badge for it and there's no hiding from it. It's got me to where I am now and there's no shame in that. There's a point where everything you've been and every characteristic you've had, doesn't serve you. You need to confront it. You need to say thank you for getting me to this point, but in order for me to get there, I have to leave you here. If you lose someone but find yourself, you've won. Maybe one day I'll thank him for it.

Anyway.

I'll let you guess what happens next. Use your imagination, I don't know. I wish I could give you a fairytale ending but glass slippers do not exist and you'd be a fool to think otherwise. Maybe I'll carry on writing, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll treat this as my diary and talk nonsense about my everyday life. Maybe you'll enjoy it, maybe you won't. Maybe maybe maybe.

I Missed My Second Flight

The next day I went horse riding on the beach. You know how little girls always want a pony, but grow out of it when they get older? Yeah, my obsession never left. To this day when my mum asks what I want for my birthday or Christmas, my reply is a horse. I don't know where I'd keep it, but I want one. I love them :(

This picture makes me laugh every time I look at it. I look like such a dweeb LOL

Horse riding is seriously harder than it looks. We tried trotting and I did not make it look graceful at all, nor was I wearing the right attire. My tits were flying around everywhere, the fishermen got quite a show. Next time I know not to wear a low cut top. Or a skirt. What an idiot. 

I went to dinner with Bas that night, Bea and Chris couldn't come because they were taking their hosts to a restaurant to thank them for having them. They met us after when they were done. Bas was going on about this event that was happening in Maputo tomorrow night and he said it was going to be huge. My friend Leo in Maputo, also told me she had spare tickets for the event. Me having the FOMO that I have, considered leaving a day earlier. That meant missing my flight (again), paying for a night at Baobab for no reason AND getting an AirBnb for one extra night in Maputo. But on the other side, the weather for the next day was crap plus the airlines over there weren't reliable so it could've got cancelled and I would've had to pay for an extra day in Baobab anyway. I only had a few days left in Mozambique, I wanted to make the most of it. I remembered that he was going to a house event too, so I specifically asked Leo 'hey remember that event he was talking about, it's not the same one we're going to is it?' and she told me that there was a house event on the week before and he was probably talking about that one. 

Okay so, I won't bump into him. I'm probably being paranoid, right? For the love of God Adiné, when will you learn to trust your instincts?

Chris and Bea told me they were taking the bus back to Maputo too. It leaves at 5am and it goes straight there. I went back to my hotel, paid my tab, ordered a tuk-tuk for 4:15, packed my bags and set my alarm for 4am. 

I didn't sleep that night. I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling. It's hard to say now if I regret the decision I made to go. I don't regret many things. I think it was meant to happen. I was meant to see that side to him. I wish I didn't because I'm filled up with so much hate now, my blood boils every time I think about that night. But that's the way it was meant to be. Fate put me in the game, it dealt the cards that led me to him and I started to play it out from the first moment I saw him. My story began with a man and a heart full of love and it ends... Well, you'll see how it ends. 

First Night In Vilanculos

I stayed at Baobab Beach Backpackers and I loved it. My room was huge and the view was amazing. In the evening the common area was always packed with people so it was impossible not to make friends. If I ever go back to Vilanculos I'd definitely stay there again.

This was the view from outside my room

I was starting to get bored of staying indoors in the evenings, there's so much of your own company you can take. I tried not to go out when it was dark but it was my first night and I was excited so I decided to go out for dinner. Here's a video of me acting a fool..

I went to a restaurant called Leopoldina's. It was tiny with just three plastic tables and a few chairs. I got a prawn matapa and although it looked like baby's diarrhoea, it was fucking delicious.

I sat on my own on the far left table, there was a man and a woman sitting on the middle table, and two guys and a girl sitting on the far right. None of us had ordered yet. The man in the middle, his name was Hugo, looked over to me and asked if I was on my own.

"Yeah I am."
"Come over and join us if you like."

I can't even tell you how happy that made me. I shot up as if I was waiting for him to ask. I went and sat with them, then the girl that was sitting on the table on the right said "hey, what about us?". We all laughed and Hugo told them that they could come too, so we put the two tables together to make one big table. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. In that moment I was so happy.

Nicoletta, the woman sitting with Hugo, asked "So why are you guys here? What's your story?".

Oh man.

Hugo went first. He was a diver and travelled to countries where he could be an instructor. He never stayed in a place more than a couple months, but he loved Mozambique so much that he came back and moved here permanently.

Nicoletta took a year out to travel the world. She told us all the countries she's been to, in order. I really wanted to know how much money she saved up to be able to do that but I thought it would be rude to ask. She seemed to be a strong, independent woman and I liked that about her.

Then it was my turn. I looked down and went silent for what seemed like forever. I took a sip of my drink.

"Okay so... I fell head over heels in love with this guy.."

Their expression changed, they all had this big smile on their face. I think I even heard someone say 'aww'.

"No no. It doesn't end well.."

Nicoletta stopped me. "Would you have travelled here on your own if it wasn't for your situation?"

"Umm, no".

"So it does end well then. Everything happens for a reason. This was meant to happen to you, so you could experience this."

I wanted to cry. Fuck man when did you turn into such a pansy? I downed my drink and finished my story. They stopped me at some points to ask me questions like, 'why did you book a ticket so soon after knowing him' or 'why didn't you just save yourself the bother and not come' and all I could do was answer honestly.

Because I was in love.

Beatrice's story gave me goosebumps. She was amazing. She came to Mozambique to find her dad. About 20 something years ago, Germany deported all the Mozambicans that went there for work. She was only two when he had to leave. All she had of him was a picture that was decades old, and his social security number in Germany that meant nothing in Mozambique. She started searching for him two years ago. She went from village to village, showing people the picture she had, asking them if they had seen this man. When she felt like she was getting somewhere, she ran out of time and had to fly back to Germany. A year later, she went back to Mozambique and started where she left off. She went back to the same man she spoke to last and he said "Now that you're back, I can see you're not lying. The man you're looking for is my cousin". (At this point I was really fighting back tears. I'm a soppy git, I've come to terms with it now.) She went back this year so her boyfriend could meet her dad.

The other two guys were Chris and Bas. Chris was Bea's boyfriend, and Bas was Bea's friend that was working in Maputo last year and had decided to come back for a holiday.

We all exchanged Facebook's and numbers. Hugo and Nicoletta left, and us four went to a stall that was open (all the bars were closed, it was pretty late and it was a weekday) that sold beer. I forgot I hated beer for a second and bought one. We had a nice chat and I left them about an hour later to walk back.

I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. I made the right choice going to Vilanculos.

Making My Way To Vilanculos

This is me when I write a blog post about this trip, this is why I have to take breaks LOL!

Where were we?

So to get to Vilanculos from Tofo, you have to go to town and get a ferry to Maxixe, then bus to Vilanculos. I didn't want to get a chappa to town so one of the boys that worked behind the bar in Mozambeat offered to take me. He picked me up at 6am and we made our way there.

Now. When I heard that I had to get a ferry, someone please tell me why I imagined the ferry to look like the ones in Dover. When I saw the... boat... my lips parted for a good 4 minutes and I had to stop myself from laughing. Let me find a picture on the internet.

Oh my God this is it!

Looooooooool

Yeah, I mean, I'm the idiot for thinking it was going to be as big as a ship. I was one of the last ones to get in so luckily I was right at the front. Well, there was still space at the back, although I didn't see the space myself but somehow people managed to squeeze themselves in. I think the guy felt sorry for me and let me sit at the front. There must've been more than 40 people in there, it was crazy.

The boat was slow, it erm... struggled to move. There were times I thought we were going to sink. I did want the real African experience though, ask and you shall receive my dear. It was only a 30 minute journey, I thought Maxixe was going to be really far. To give you an idea of how slow it was though, with a jet ski it definitely would've taken about three minutes.

When I got off the guy that was sitting next to me asked if I needed help with my suitcase. I'm a disgustingly clumsy person so my whole concentration was on not dropping in the water, carrying a suitcase would've made it more difficult. 

"Yes please". 

We walked down but he was still rolling my suitcase along. How could you be so stupid? He's going to run away with it!

I got closer to him, thanked him and said that I can manage from here. He gave it back to me but still walked next to me. We got to the end of the road and he asked if I needed help with my suitcase again and I said no thanks. Yep he definitely wants to rob me. Fuck. 

"Where are you going?"
"I need to find the bus that goes to Vilanculos, do you know where it is?"
"Oh yes, I know"

... And he just started walking with me. I thought he was going to give me directions! A million thoughts were going through my head, then I stopped myself. Look, if the man wants to help you, be grateful, it's a nice gesture. I looked at him and smiled, I thanked him and asked what his name was. We made conversation, he told me he came to Maxixe everyday to go to work. He offered to help me with my suitcase again and this time I let him. To be honest, I was struggling. It was hot, I was sweating and I had a couple bags to carry plus my jacket. Change your attitude and you no longer feel like a target. He was lovely.

I thought finding the bus would be straight forward. I was wrong. I got told when you get off the ferry the bus would be right there. We walked for quite a bit, the guy that was helping me asked around to ask where the bus was. We were looking for the 'big bus' that goes to Vilanculos. I was expecting a coach.

I didn't like Maxixe. I felt out of place, I felt like everyone was staring at me. The locals didn't smile and say hello like they did in Tofo. Every so often I'd hear,

"Mmmmm sistaaa"
"Hello babyyyyy"

I felt uncomfortable and I was so thankful for this guy to be walking with me. He talked to another man and apparently he got told that the big bus had already left. I'm not sure why because I was early, it either left or we couldn't find it. So, he took me to a road where there were loads of mini buses, with men standing around shouting "VILANCULOS!". At least I knew I was in the right place. He took me to one of the mini buses and told me it would take me straight there. I said goodbye, gave him some money and thanked him a million times.                

It looked like it was about to fall apart 

I sat in that bus for two and a half hours before it moved. They wait until it's full before they leave. My arse was numb before the journey even started. Every now and then people would wave random things they were selling through the window. I felt frustrated and I felt homesick. I was going through a wave of emotions. I was hurt from the night before. Tears started pricking my eyes. No no no don't start crying now. Not here. Not in front of these people. I must've blinked a thousand times trying to make it stop. I turned my face towards the window so no one would see me welling up.  One tear dropped. Two. I wiped them away and tried to stop thinking. Tried to stop feeling sorry for myself. Get your fucking shit together. I got my book out to take my mind off things.

The journey was about 4-5 hours. It wasn't too bad. When we got dropped off to Vilanculos a big SUV pulled up to me. 

"Hey where you going? You want a lift?"

He wasn't a taxi driver, he was an old white dude. Another guy came up to me and asked if I wanted him to take me to my hotel. 

"No thanks, I've already got a ride", I must've taken about two seconds to think before jumping in. Thinking back, it was a bit of a silly thing to do. I could've been safer and paid for a tuk-tuk. But I got lucky, again. Old white dude was really nice, he said he goes there sometimes and helps out travellers that looked confused and don't know where they're going. He dropped me off to Baobab safe and sound. 

It's funny. Things always have a way of working out for me. Or maybe it's just the way I look at things. The way I see it, you'll always be okay in the end (unless you die or you lose a limb then yeah you fucked up). Yes I was heartbroken, yes I was upset, yes I felt empty, but I was in a beautiful place and I was safe,

.. And I was okay.