Any Oneirocritic's Out There?

Me when I wake up in the mornings

I've been having dreams Google can't tell me the meaning of. Wondering if any of you can help me? Here's a few of them:

Pregnant Kylie Jenner
I had a dream I was pregnant Kylie Jenner and I was in hiding. I decided enough was enough and it was time to show my face, tell the world that I am indeed pregnant. I ended up going to a party and suddenly needing to give birth. So I popped out her/my baby. Right there. On the dance floor.

On The Run
My ex was on the run and I tagged along on some Bonnie and Clyde shit. I am a moron even in my dreams. He ended up robbing a bus and posing as a bus driver. Like, he fully stopped for passengers, took the correct route, all whilst keeping within the speed limit. Not sure why he did this, or where we were going, or why he was even on the run. I didn't ask questions. I was there pretending to be a ticket inspector, and also looking out for police. Lord give me strength. His face was all over the news so if this was Grand Theft Auto he definitely would've been on five stars.

But no one knew who he was. Do you know why? Cause he had a hat on. Cause apparently hats hide the identity of a person. A hat.

In the end, we ran off the bus and his stupid friend picked us up and took us to his house. Police found us there cause his number plate was all over the CCTV cameras. We got caught because of a number plate. Not because of my ex's actual face. That was on show. The whole time.

We both got thrown in jail. No happy ending. Sorry.


Google was no help.

Killing Spree
I went around killing motherfuckers. Real badass. Were they criminals? Was I the criminal? Did they deserve it? All questions I don't know the answer to.

I don't want to Google the meaning of this in case the government think I'm trying to join ISIS. I'm Iranian. Next thing you know, police are breaking down my door and it's me who's on the run. With no ride or die chick.

Someone Was Trying To Kill Me
I was running away from someone that wanted to kill me with a machete. Karma's a bitch. I don't know if I died in the end or not. Do you need to know the small details to give me the meaning of this?

I Decided To Not Have Any Carbs Or Sugar For A Month
This isn't a nightmare. This is actually happening. Help me.

Carbs is in everything. Sugar is in everything. I can't even eat a fucking banana. Not that I eat them much, but if I wanted to, I couldn't. Anyway, I'll write more on this at the end of February.

If my withdrawal symptoms haven't killed me by then.

I've Found My Happy

I can't quit my job and go travelling, not just yet anyway. But I also can't limit myself to just going away a few times a year. I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I've decided I'm going to go away once a month this year. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out.

I don't mean take weeks off at a time, that won't be possible. But even a weekend trip away is something. It'll scratch this itch that I have. It'll give me something to look forward to every month. I need it.

How am I going to afford it? By saying no to nights out. By not pissing out my income. By not going out to eat (as much). By not online shopping everyday. Instead, I stay in on weekends. I drink green tea. I read books. Watch Netflix. If any of my friends want to come round then they are more than welcome. But a night out in Shoreditch? I'll skip that. Sure, I'll miss out on some fun but I'll have a new city waiting for me the following month. You bet your arse I'm going to every House festival this year though. Who even am I right now?

So I take the money I would've spent on these things and spend it on a flight ticket instead, whilst still being able to save quite a fair bit every month. Two birds, one stone. I don't intend on staying in grand hotels. I'm going to travel on my own so, to be honest, I would rather stay at hostels. 1) It costs next to nothing. You can stay at some hostels for a tenner a night and 2) it's easier to meet new people.

Destinations

February - Prague is booked.

March/April - Iran is booked for two weeks. I haven't been in ten years and I need to see my family. Hopefully travel and see some new cities there too. What better way to start than your own country? I can't wait. Although, I'm not sure how safe it is right now but it'll make it all the more exciting. Will I make it back? Will I get thrown into prison cause they think I'm a spy? Will my friends set up a petition to get me back? Oh the thrill of it all.



From May onwards nothing is set in stone so it may change. Skyscanner has this really cool option where you can set your destination to anywhere and select cheapest month. Even though I knew I definitely wanted to go to Prague in February, it still had the option of showing me how much it would cost me to fly on each day of the month. Give it a try. I got my ticket for just £60!

Anyway, this is the plan:

May - Budapest

June - Vienna

July - Marbella for my friends birthday, only for three days. Depending on how I feel, when they fly back I might take a coach to Gibraltar for a day then take a ferry to Morocco. That's three countries in one trip.

August - Toronto

September - Berlin

October/November - Kenya! After falling in love with Mozambique (which I plan to visit again in 2019) I promised myself I'd travel to somewhere in Africa every year.

December - San Jose to visit my mum for Christmas.

This is it. This is my plan. I'm going to make this year brilliant. I deserve it. I owe it to myself. 2017 was the best worst year of my life. I don't care if that doesn't make sense. It's what it was. This year we're taking 'worst' out the equation. I'm excited.

Find something that makes your heart sing. If it's maths, do math's as much as you can. Work out problems, find x, plot a complex number in an Argand diagram. If it's poems, read poems all the time. Read them out loud. Write them. Perform them at an Open Mic. Do something you love because it makes you happy. Not anyone else. You. Be selfish. If you have no one to do it with, do it on your own.

Find your happy. You owe it to yourself.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I've done my fair share of luxury travel. I've done the all inclusive resorts, the five star hotels. The nightlife, the VIP section of the club, the bottles of Dom Pérignon. And sure, I had fun. But that's all it was, a bit of fun. That doesn't stay with you. I don't have much to say about those trips, all I got from them was a few Instagramable pictures. Nothing ever went wrong. There was no excitement, no adrenaline rush. Everything was so perfect, and looking back, that's what makes them so dull.

I'll never forget that journey to Vilanculos. I'll never forget how rewarding it felt when I finally got there. I'll never forget that walk on the beach I took a few hours later. Tears streaming down my face, questioning every choice I've made in life, examining every aspect of my character. Blaming myself, hating myself, doubting myself. Now there's a fucking memory. Those are the moments that will stick with me forever.

And yeah, those moments sucked at the time. I had a broken heart and a million regrets. But boy did I have a story to tell. It was the best trip of my life. I learnt more about myself in those two and a half weeks more than I have my whole life. I'd pick a trip like that over ten perfect trips any day. Because when you feel like you've reached the edge of your mental and physical limits, that's when things start getting interesting. You'll come face to face with who you are in the absence of comfort. I don't regret it, not one bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be down in it every time you travel. You don't have to be miserable and in tears to discover new things about yourself. That was just my story. But if you do get lost in the middle of nowhere with no WiFi or end up in a sweltering hostel with a bed that feels like a brick, embrace it. You'll have a story to tell, and you've also taught yourself a new lesson. Like to download an offline map and to read reviews online before staying somewhere.

Take me for example. I got my phone stolen in a massive house rave in Maputo, few days before I was meant to fly back. I got ignored three times by the person I thought I could count on the most. My Airbnb host was in South Africa, so I couldn't ask her for help. There was no clock at the apartment and I didn't have a watch, so I had no idea what the time was in the day. The guard downstairs didn't speak a word of english, and all I could manage was 'tudo bem' and 'sal e limão'. Because of course the most important thing to learn in a foreign country is salt and lemon. How else would you order a tequila? No phone meant no map, no taxi, no alarm to wake me up in time for my flight, and no easing my mums worries by messaging her every hour of the day to tell her I'm alive and well and haven't been raped by a gang of Mozambicans.

In the end? A friend I made there lent me her sisters phone for a couple days. I was fine. Everything was fine.

The best part of it all? It shined a light on the kindness of strangers. By being vulnerable I saw the compassion in others. Like the time I was lost and had no idea where the buses that went to Vilanculos were. Again, I was rescued by a generous and warm hearted stranger. He walked with me for over thirty minutes. I will never forget him. Regular reminders of why you should have faith in humanity sure is good for the soul.

Try and willingly put yourself in situations where you have no idea how you're going to respond. Travel solo. Take chances. Go do something you've always wanted. Something you're passionate about. Even if it's hard. Even if you're scared. Because in the end things will turn out just fine. And you'll be glad you did it.

So you can keep your cabana beds, your hours of sunbathing under the blazing sun and your room service. I've been there, done that. I want the adrenaline rush, I want the danger, I want not knowing what's next. I've got a lot planned for this year. Just for me, no one else. I'm choosing my own adventure.

Table for one please. 

Promise Me One Thing

How do you know when you love someone? Does it hit you like a bag of bricks? An arrow? Or is it a choice? Do you take into account their attributes and decide that you love them?

For me, I'm not quite sure how it happened. To be honest, the whole thing was such a whirlwind of emotions that I can't even tell you how it started. I feel like I just woke up one day and got slapped in the face with it. I didn't get to sit down, weigh up the pro's and con's and use my discretion to make a decision. In fact, I didn't use my head at all. I closed my eyes and jumped. Free falling without a parachute. 

Love should be a choice. And that choice should be based on many factors: goals in life, character, principles, humour, chemistry, intelligence, logic, looks, and so on. The weight of each factor fluctuates depending on the individual. Some may value intelligence more than looks, and some might not even care if their partner has an IQ of room temperature. It all depends on the person. Taking all these factors into consideration, you can then decide. Do you start to love this person or not?

And it's no good just looking at the other person. Are you ready yourself? Are you willing to put some of your wants aside? To compromise? I'm not sure whether to believe in the whole right person, wrong time thing. You could argue that if they were the right person then you would make sure it's the right time. That you would do everything in your power to make the relationship work. But life isn't as easy as that. Sometimes you're not in the right head space. Sometimes you're just simply not ready.

You could call me selfish for the way I acted. I wanted to keep him as close as I could, but at the same time deep down, I knew a relationship wasn't what I wanted. I knew I wanted him, I just didn't want the rest of the baggage that came with a relationship. I know he wasn't ready either, even though he would tell you he was. I think we were both so bamboozled by the sexual attraction that every other factor went out the window. He would tell me that I'm the most attractive girl he'd ever met, and I think that was all it was. Come to think of it, I don't think he loved anything else about me. I was a wild child, while he was quite reserved. I was a chatty patty in big groups, him not so much. I'm quite easygoing and carefree, meanwhile he was picky and placed importance on such small things. I get attention when I go out, and I think he would've been more comfortable with a girl that blends in the background. There's many reasons why we didn't work out, but it simply comes down to one thing.

We just wasn't meant to be.

Relationships are like.... let's say horse riding. You jump up and start to ride. It could be a smooth ride, or the horse could go ballistic and start rearing, putting you in a difficult position. The arguments, the disagreements, the fights, the little things that start annoying you. You start wondering if you made the right choice. You then have to come to a decision. Do you hold on for dear life, or do you let go and fall? You might decide that you want to cling on and hope that the horse calms down. You try and persevere and in the end you manage to stay on the horse. You might realise that the ride was worth it. Or you might opt to let go and fall. The fall might make you stronger, or it might make you injured and miserable. You may not trust horses for a while but sooner or later, you'll be back at the stables ready to ride again. It could be another bumpy ride, or this time it could be just a few hurdles. Either way, another choice. Hold on or fall?

Sometimes it is easy to love, and sometimes it is difficult. Love is on one end whilst hate is on the other, and the pendulum oscillates between the two points. One day you choose to love them, the next day you could choose to hate them. But ultimately, it is always a choice. We fall in and out of love in relationships all the time. People that have been together for many years didn't spend everyday of those years madly in love with each other. The reason why some relationships don't last is because some people think if they're not crazy for each other then they shouldn't be together. Your feelings vary depending on the relationship, but also how happy you are in your own life.

And yes, sometimes there is a drift. A drift so far that there's no coming back. Sometimes the pendulum can stop swinging back and forth, until you feel nothing for the person. Until you don't know who you are anymore. Until you don't even like yourself anymore. Then you make the choice. You fall.

So make the decision. Do you choose to love them? Yes or no? It's your choice. If you choose to love them, love with all your might, with everything you've got. Love them until you feel like you're going to burst. If you choose no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.

Six Sexual Positions For The Incompetent

He asks you to get on top? You go to a spinning class once in a while but come on, you're no olympian. Tell the boy you signed up for sex, not Virgin Active. What is he trying to call you fat or something? That you need to burn more calories? Okay, listen up. Now is your chance to cry, but not too much. You don't want to ruin the mood completely. Make him feel bad. He'll get on top and won't ask for another few weeks.

1) Doggy

Look, I know you're meant to arch your back so far that your lumbar vertebrae is on the brink of snapping. But lets face it, you are not a porn star. You've got work tomorrow and can't afford to have any injuries. Pretend you've lost something under the sofa and you're trying to dig it out. That'll do.

2) Play Dead

Who said you don't get his adrenaline going? Once he starts thinking that you're actually dead, open your eyes and tell him it's role play. Duh. Now you can stay in whatever position you're in. Pros: You don't need to move, hurrah! Cons: If he's okay with this you might want to rethink about seeing him again.

3) BDSM Artifice
Get him to tie up your limbs. Whoops! You can't possibly contribute, even if you wanted to. You're welcome. Pros: He now thinks you're kinky. Cons: He now thinks you're kinky.

4) Pooping In The Woods
You give in and it's time to get on top. Alright, just pretend you're pooping in the woods. Or like the time you got drunk and pee'd in an alleyway, and wiggled to get the last drops of pee off your vajayjay. Ta daaaa!

5) Starfish 
Lay there like a starfish, you can start on your back then turn over and lay on your stomach. If he asks what you're doing, tell him that you're a starfish floating to the shore. If he says starfish don't flip over tell him to use his fucking imagination. The waves are violent. Who says you don't change it up?

6) That sideways one
It's like you're spooning but with added fork. Since you're hands-free for this, you can eat that last cheese toastie you were saving for later while he plows away.


Disclaimer: These methods have not been tried and tested (or maybe they have and had no pay-off). I take no responsibility if your boyfriend/husband/play thing leaves you. Did your mother not tell you to not take advice from a single girl?!

Eight Wishes

My mum was sneaky with this picture

The temperature outside was -6 degrees but I couldn't feel the cold in the hot tub. The water was piping, but because of the freezing weather it felt perfect against my skin. We went to Lake Tahoe and stayed at The Ridge for a few days while I was in America. It was beautiful.

I saw eight shooting stars that night. Magical. I made eight wishes and I wished for the same thing again and again. Eight times. It's gotta come true, right?

The sky was starlit. There must've been a thousand stars up there, millions of miles way. And for all I knew, some of them could've been dead. I saw their light, it's just that the light I saw was from the past. Their light keeps lingering in those spaces which you think have been emptied. But they haven't, and they can never be filled by another star. I sat there staring at the tranquil sky for what seemed like an hour, it was probably two (I had a stiff neck after). I felt peace. I hadn't felt that in a while. For a moment I felt like everything around me had stopped. I couldn't even hear anyone talking. It was just me, the sky, and these shooting stars.

Have you ever been stargazing? It soothed my heart. It somehow alleviated my problems. We put such importance on everything that's going wrong, but in those breathtaking moments when I saw the little chunks of rock glow and burn into nothing, all my worries felt inconsequential. Suddenly there was a dance that existed between my head, my heart and my soul. I found out what my song sounds like, even off key.