All My Teeth Dropped Out

I wish someone could cut me up and read me from the inside. Open up my brain and study it. Translate it.

Cause I don't have the answers.

I wish someone, a stranger, would examine me. Not a friend because friends are biased, no matter how hard they try not to be.

A stranger.

I wish I could sit in front of them and have them look inside my soul. Unravel me. Open up all the twists and undo all the knots and read my heart for what it is. I wish they would tell me all the good thats inside of me cause lord knows I need to hear it.

Or is the good in me latent?

After a long pause, after their words have sunk in, I wish they would tell me the bad, one by one, without judgement. With a smile, but not a patronising one.

I want them to take me by the hand, like the three ghosts did with Scrooge, and show me my past, present and future. Show me where I went wrong. Praise me for the times I did right.

Strange how humans work. Don't you think? Strange how sometimes we know the answers but still seek validation from other people. Am I making a mistake? Will I regret this? If only we could look into a crystal ball and see the consequences of our actions before we make them.

I dreamt that all my teeth fell out last night. It was so graphic. It started with my third molars, they became loose and fell out in my mouth. No blood, no bits of gum stuck to the tooth, it just came out clean. Then it worked its way through till I had no teeth left. They'd become wobbly, I would sit still and cry and pray it would stay in. I was too scared to touch my teeth with my tongue, I thought maybe if I didn't move they'd stay in place. But no, one by one they'd fall out. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking it was real.

I googled the meaning out of curiosity. Here are some of them:

'Teeth falling out are associated with loss and important life changes. This symbol points to feelings of insecurity or vulnerability regarding a recent event that disrupted your life.'

'Such dreams indicate that you are dealing with loss in one way or another: It could be a sudden loss, like an abrupt end to a relationship or job change; it could also be a more gradual process of releasing old ways of living and adopting new habits.'

'Dreams about teeth falling out could represent the cost of making a compromise that is not satisfying for you or is bringing your life out of balance. We tend to have this type of dream when we are confronted with decisions to make, but feel we have limited options available.'

'A modern perspective emphasizes teeth as symbol of the process of growing up, expanding and developing yourself.'

'Dreaming that your teeth fall out could therefore signal that you are in the process of changing, growing out of the old into the new.'

'.. Suggests that you are dealing with an event or situation in your life that prompts you to deal with change and find support wherever you can.'

'It may point to the need to take care of yourself while you’re undergoing radical changes in your life. It may be an indication that you’re in the process of growing, discovering and developing aspects of yourself that were previously hidden or neglected.'

'Be sure to acknowledge that you need to take it easy on you, perhaps take some rest and give yourself the support you need to accomplish the task at hand or challenge the obstacles that are on your way.'

'One of the most popular interpretations to teeth falling out in our dreams is related to anxiety'

'Another interpretation of this dream can also be related to a costly compromise. Perhaps you have agreed to something that will require a lot of your time and energy or possibly cost a lot of money.'

I don't normally believe in this stuff but its so crazy cause I can relate to most of them. Apart from the anxiety I can only see this as a positive. I'm trying to change for the better and its like my subconscious mind knows it too.

13 days till departure.

27 Days Till Lift-off

It's October. Countdown begins.

This year is the first year I'm going to spend my birthday on my own. I'm not upset about it. I was at first, I thought I'd feel really lonely but I'm content with it now. It's just another day anyway. (This is coming from someone who used to party from four days leading up to her birthday. Who even am I?) To be honest, it has the potential to be the best birthday yet. It's what you make of it. If I sit there with a sad face feeling sorry for myself of course it's going to be shit. I was thinking I could buy a cake and go share it with random locals - and pray that they don't see it as a suggestion to get into bed with me. Or they might give me a forlorn look and take a slice out of pity. Or they might think I'm a complete weirdo and shoo me away, who walks around and hands out cake?

I had a really bad day yesterday. Really really bad day. Like, turn on the shower so no one hears you sobbing bad day. I retrogressed back to square one. I was silly to think it was going to be onwards and upwards, not that it was, but I didn't think I could go back to that state. Shit happens though, its sad but I'm getting used to it.

So to cheer myself up I went to Paperchase because nothing cheers me up more than buying stationary I'll never use. No really, Paperchase has me by the balls. Highlighters that look like pandas? I definitely need those. A pencil case thats shaped like a watermelon? I can't not buy that. A mini plastic container that holds a mini fork and spoon inside? Well duh, I obviously need to carry cutlery around with me, especially mini ones! See. I'm a sucker for Paperchase. This time I feel like I bought something that I'll actually use though. I'm not taking my laptop to Mozambique with me cause I don't want it to get stolen, but I still want to write. So I bought a notebook.


Of course it couldn't be a cheap plain one that would still get the job done. Of course it had to have a map on it. Of course I had to get the matching pen. Come on guys, get with it.

Then later on I got dressed up to go to a club, I didn't want to be at home alone with my thoughts. But I, no exaggeration, sat down at the table and yawned all the way through it. Left. Forgot where I parked my car. Searched for 30 minutes. In heels. Got myself a burger and drove home. Not very exciting. Am I a granny now? I'm even losing my memory.

I feel like my quarter life crisis is brewing. I may or may not be very close to a mental breakdown. I'm not saying I'm going full throttle Britney Spears in 2007, but I am saying I'm cutting my hair. Short. Because nothing says new me than a new hairdo.

Wish me luck.