Last Days In Tofo

I made the most out of my next few days in Tofo. I felt safe on my own. If men came up to me, they came for a conversation. Once a dude smiled at me from his friends car and I smiled back, then his friend stopped the car and the guy got out. His friend drove slowly behind us. There was no one else around. I got anxious, I can't lie.

Okay, this is the part I get kidnapped, I thought. He's going to drag me in the car. Shit. Walk fast.

"Hey, do you mind if I walk with you?"
"Erm, no."
"Cool, what's your name?"
"Adiné." I didn't ask for his, but he told me it anyway.
"Where are you from?"

At first I was a bit blunt with him, then I realised he was harmless. That could've been me being naive but I didn't feel uncomfortable. I changed my mindset. What if he was just looking for a chat, and I was there being a cow? I think people were intrigued more than anything. Instead of keeping my head down and feeling on edge, I held my head high and walked with purpose. I smiled at every person I walked past. I greeted them before they greeted me. I answered their questions instead of ignoring them. When you change your attitude, you no longer feel like a target. Smile and the world smiles with you, right?



One time, a Spanish guy on a quad bike saw I was walking back to my hotel. It wasn't one of those quad bikes you can rent, this one looked serious. It even had a digital screen at the front to tell you how fast you're going.

"Hey, you want a lift back to your hotel?"
"Ummmm, no I'm okay"
"Come on, I'll take you. You stay at Mozambeat right? I live near there."

What's the worst that could happen? If he goes the wrong way, I can jump off, fall in sand, and run the opposite direction. To hell with it.

"Okay! Yep Mozambeat."

So I climbed on. It was fun, he drove around and showed me the outside of his house. He had ten dogs! He told me he finds strays and gives them a home. He drove us past Branko's house (the arrogant arsehole with the nice restaurant).

"This is Branko's house. He is a very angry man."

Ha, so everyone knew then.

"Yeah, I've noticed!"

Lo and behold, he dropped me off to Mozambeat safe and sound. I didn't get raped, I didn't get kidnapped, and I didn't get sliced open to have my organs sold.

Can we appreciate my tan please?

It was my last day in Tofo. I was meant to get the bus to Vilanculos the next day but the weather for the next three days there wasn't too great. J said if I wanted I could go back to Maputo and stay at his apartment. I thought about it long and hard. I had already paid for the hotel in Vilanculos and also the flight back from there, and if I didn't go now when would I ever get to see Vilanculos? But then on the other hand, I could spend the rest of my time with him. 

I went with my heart and decided that he was more important to me than Vilanculos. But before I went and bought my bus ticket, I tested him. He tested me all throughout our relationship, so why shouldn't I now? Especially when I have so much to lose. I wanted to know if me going there would be worth it. If he would forgive me in the end or if we were going to go round in circles. So, I sent a long message. I won't get into it in too much detail, but I basically said that I can't change the past and all I can do is do better now, and if that isn't good enough then let me know and I will go to Vilanculos. 

"Go to V."

Stab in the heart.

"You're a let down."

I'm a let down? The same girl who travelled to Africa on the off chance that you would see her, even though you told her it would be a wasted journey is a let down? Because we ALL know I went for him. I knew it, my friends knew it, hell I think deep down even he knew it. I was willing to scrap the rest of my trip to go to him, but I'm a let down?

I gave it one last shot. I sent him another message telling him that I wanted to go to apologise to him and tell him how much I loved him and that the things I did will never happen again. He told me that he knew I had nothing new to say and that he was done hoping and trying.

Then the truth hit me like a ton of bricks.

He was never going to forgive me. It was never his intention to forgive me. His ego was bruised and he just wanted me to stroke it. He wanted to hear me beg and plead to make himself feel better and in the end, he still wouldn't have forgiven me. Look, I'm a good writer. Everyone tells me I'm a good writer. I write paragraphs for my friends to send their boyfriends and those are emotions I'm not even feeling, so imagine what I can write when I am. I could've wrote and practiced this big speech, and I could've gone to Maputo and performed it to him. But it wouldn't have gone anywhere. I could've written love letters in my own blood and I would still be in the same position I am now (not sure if anyone has ever done this, that's a bit psychotic but you get the picture).

So, after realisation slapped me in the face, I said "No worries, I'll cut my losses", and packed my suitcase ready to travel to Vilanculos the next day.

I wish I could tell you it doesn't get worse.

I wish I could tell you I didn't see him again.

Things Get Ugly

I think I'm going to wrap things up pretty soon cause I'm not enjoying this. I'll give it a few more posts then I'm done. I find myself staring into space every time I click publish, looking at the time and realising an hour has passed. I can't put things behind me if I'm writing about it all the time. I'm carrying a lot of negative energy. I'm angry. If people thought I had road rage before they should see me now. I'm surprised I haven't been dragged out my car. I can't think about anything else. I go over things over and over and over again. Replaying scenarios. My blood boils.

So where do we go from here? I'm done talking about the good times. It's enough. Lets fast forward to when its time for him to leave Tofo.

The night before we had an argument. I apologised. I told him I fucked up. I told him it's the only thing in my life that I regret. His problem was that I hadn't said enough. My apologies felt empty to him.

Right.

Lordddd help me keep my composure in these next few posts. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to explain things without saying too much. I keep myself to myself, I don't like people knowing my business, so for me to be writing all this on the internet is just a little bit crazy. I'm taking some comfort in the fact that the people who're reading this are probably strangers. I don't think this will be constructed well, I'm going to type without thinking and hit publish without reading it over. If I do I'll definitely change my mind and delete this blog altogether.

Okay.

Let's rewind to a couple days before when we were laying down on the beach at night. My head was resting on his chest and I had my back to him. I asked him what he was thinking and he said,
'Nothing, what you thinking?'
'Figuring out how I can make you happy.'
Pause.
'I don't have the answers though. Could you help me out?'
He replied with 'I don't have the answers either' then said something along the lines of 'what would make you happy?'
'Do you have a time machine so I can turn back time?'
'What would you do different?'
All I could manage to say was 'not lie to you'.

Then I was in tears. If I had said anything else I would've choked on my words. We laid there for a while, and the whole time tears were coming down my face. He couldn't see my face, fair enough, but any normal person would sense when a person is crying. I'm not saying he's not normal, what I'm trying to say is when a person doesn't want to know or believe something, the human brain blocks it out. He doesn't want to believe it, so it's not happening.

I cried three times in Tofo. Three. In what world do empty apologies come with tears?

Cheeky pic to lighten the mood

Okay, so now he's left Tofo.

The morning after I was a mess. I saw he left the bracelet I got him and I went into panic mode. It felt so final. I cried before breakfast, I cried after breakfast, I cried before lunch, I cried after lunch... You get the picture? I cried for the whole day. It got to the point where I packed my suitcase. I sat on the edge of the bed for about two hours thinking.

Do I forget the rest of my trip and go back to Maputo to try fix things?

Where will I stay?

Will he forgive me?

Is it going to be pointless?

Do I fight?

Do I let go?

I was going out of my mind. I messaged him and asked him to give me something to hold onto, to tell me that he would hear me out when I was done with my trip. He said he'll hear me out even though he knows I'll have nothing to say. I was okay with that. It was something. It calmed me down. I kept thinking if this last week was us on bad terms, imagine what life would be like if we were fine. It would be a fairy tale. Life would be perfect. I can't give up on this right? I need to keep fighting right?

Wrong.

Ocean Safari & Surfing

We did two activities in Tofo.

First we chose to do ocean safari. We did it with Peri-Peri Divers. Don't ask me why they're named after spicy sauce, it has absolutely nothing to do with the ocean or the safari. I think they just love peri-peri out there. I once ordered peri-peri chicken thinking it was going to be like Nandos. This is coming from someone who gets lemon and herb by the way. I don't know why I didn't think to ask if it was spicy or not cause I always ask. The one time I assumed it wasn't going to be, they must've marinated the chicken in scotch bonnets for 48 hours prior to cooking it. I took about two bites and left the rest. My mouth was in pain. My insides felt like they were on fire. And before you think I'm a pussy, J ate my chicken and it made his eyes water. I mean it was nice, if you enjoy feeling like you've swallowed Satan whole.. and he shortly after starts lighting up your organs with a blow torch.

Side note: You have to go to restaurants before you're hungry out there. If you order chicken, I'm pretty sure they go out the back and hunt for it, kill it, skin it, then cook it. That's the only explanation as to why the food takes so long. But hey, at least it's fresh right?


The things ladies over there could balance on their heads was bloody impressive. This was nothing, once I saw a woman with a small table AND a chair on top of her head. 

Ocean safari was really cool. We had to push the boat out on the water and the girls had to jump in first. Of course my arms failed me. Honestly I don't know why I bother going gym (I say that as if I go ham with the weights. I do not). It took us ages to find anything, so long that we thought we weren't going to at all. But in the end we got to see a couple humpback whales, dolphins and a turtle. My eyesight was pretty blurry cause my contacts popped out but luckily whales are kinda huge y'know? I'm blind but I'm not that blind.

We jumped in at some points and guys, I suck at snorkeling. I am so shit. Every time I tried to breathe underwater I got water in my mouth. At one point one of my flippers nearly came off my foot and I had to put them on whilst trying not to drown (I'm so dramatic). And what did I see at the end? Couple rocks. We jumped in when we saw dolphins too. J moved at ninja speed and got to see them up close but obviously I was too slow and missed the whole thing. So I saw some rocks again. It was still worth it though, I had a whale of a time.

Haha..

Get it?

... Sorry



Surfing? You could say I'm a professional. I stood on the board for about three seconds so I'm pretty much ready to apply to tournaments now. I got it in the bag I reckon.

No but all jokes aside it was so good. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. First we had to practice on sand (we must've looked like absolute bellends), and then when our instructor felt like we got our technique right he took us out in the water. For some reason it was impossible for me not to scream every time I fell off the board so I drank gallons of seawater and was probably on the brink of getting hypernatraemia, but I still had a great time. J was of course, way better than me. The bastard got it on like his second try. I was really proud of him.



I really wanted to do horse riding but the horses in Tofo were sick. We made a joke about them getting malaria but I just googled it and it's actually possible, horse malaria is called equine infectious anaemia. You learn something new everyday. Don't say I don't teach you nothin'!



I've just thrown random pictures in here. None of the pictures I have are relevant to what I'm talking about but I might as well make it aesthetically pleasing.

Did you know they call Inhambane 'The Land of Good People'? And it truly was. Everyone was so friendly. Every person I walked past always greeted me in some way. It made me smile, really warmed my heart. I wish people in London were like that.

I fell in love with Tofo. I wanted to stay there forever.

I Missed My Flight To Tofo

Chill, I missed the flight on purpose.

He was going by bus so I decided to join him. I told him it was because I didn't want him to be on his own for seven hours, and while that was not a lie, I also wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. The time I had left with him was precious, and it was more valuable to me than the money I spent on the plane ticket. I could make that back in a day. I didn't care for the money and I didn't care for the uncomfortable journey. I even made out I didn't want my neck pillow just so he would use it. I let him put his bags near my leg and even though it was digging in my thigh the whole time I didn't complain cause it was adding to his comfort. You see, I showed my love in different ways but I don't think he ever saw it. Or maybe he chose not to. Or maybe he did and it wasn't enough. I didn't fall asleep, but I didn't care for that either. I had my book, and I had him, so I was happy. 

When we got off the bus the walk to Mozambeat Motel was a bit long. The roads there mainly consist of sand so it takes so much more energy to walk, plus I couldn't roll my suitcase along. Bless him, he carried both our luggage so it was more tiring for him than it was for me.

Mozambeat was real nice. I loved it there. The staff were super friendly and the food was top notch. I don't know what they seasoned their chips with but its hands down the best chips I've ever had. It was sprinkled with love (and crack cause it was so damn addictive) by the chip Gods.



The design of the place was pretty cool, proper chilled vibe. They had swinging chairs upstairs that I don't have any pictures of but you could watch the sunset from there. If you ever go to Tofo I'd definitely recommend it. The walk to the beach and restaurants is about 20 minutes but it's still worth it. Plus it's the only form of exercise I got so to be honest I was thankful for it.



I forgot to mention we actually arrived on my birthday. Later on we had cocktails then went to Branko's to have pizza and prawn hot rock. The prawns came raw and marinated and the rock came.... hot. You cooked it yourself, it was yum. (The food is great, but Branko himself is a bit of an arrogant arsehole. The dude needs to be nicer to his staff.)

We had more cocktails then went to the beach. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.

It was perfect.

Bambi Is A Boy

This is a public announcement that I'm under the influence of alcohol and its only 21:37 on a Friday night and I'm already in bed. I've only had three cocktails before dinner but its hit me and I'm blaming it on the fact that I'm now 25 and an old woman. Oh to be young again.
There's been a lot of backspace action because I'm refusing to write like someone who is drunk. I am fine guys. Fine.

Where we were?

(Lol I really can't take myself seriously right now let alone tell a story but I have nothing better to do and to go to sleep at this time is just ridiculous. My life has not come to this. No suh)

Ok, I'm ready.

-------

He was sitting down on the phone with his back to me. I took a deep breath, I was about to walk up to him to say hi, but then someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was my friend from twitter. I haven't mentioned before but let me tell you the backstory:

A couple months ago before I was meant to leave, I went on twitter and typed 'Mozambique' in the search bar. I just wanted to see if I could find anyone who was over there, so I could ask them questions about what it's like out there and whatnot. I came across a girl and I messaged her about safety in Maputo, and her reply was 'here, take my number. WhatsApp me'. She showed me kindness from the very beginning. We talked and became friends.

I didn't ask her to come to the airport. I couldn't believe it. You'll come to realise in time that this girl has the sweetest soul. I have never met anyone so good-hearted. I hugged her and told her that he had turned up too, she knew about him already.

I took another deep breath and walked up to him. My palms were clammy, and my legs felt like Bambi's when he tried to walk on ice for the first time. Lorddddd if my mum ever found out that a man had had this effect on me I would receive a grilling. I managed to open my mouth and let out a weak 'hi'.

(I just had to google if Bambi was a girl or boy, I need to go to sleep).

Fast forward.

The three of us walked to his taxi. I was all over the place, I even dropped my passport. If he hadn't picked it up someones uncle definitely would've sold it for a couple thousand meticais.

We found my apartment. I showered, got ready, then we all went to a restaurant called Treehouse (where two lizards nearly fell on our heads) (we think they were getting jiggy on a branch and they got too excited and lost their balance).

Fast forward x4.

I went back to his apartment.......... heh....

Fast forward x16.

He took the next day off work too so we went to a seafood restaurant I can't for the life of me remember the name of, then we chilled at Polana Serena Hotel. It was pretty nice, had a clean swimming pool and sun beds. I had a good time.

Here is a picture of Polana Hotel I stole off google to make this post look a bit more pretty because I am a bad ass bitch who doesn't care about any copyright laws.

My brain is legit shutting down. This has taken two hours to write. 

The next day we go to Tofo but that is for another post and another day when I am sober.

I'm Back, Let's Begin

So, I'm back. Part of me was homesick and part of me was dreading coming back. The results of our exams had come through and people in our group chat were saying that they failed and I was so sure I failed too. The week before my exam I went through hell and hardly got any revision done. So I was shitting bricks. I was already upset, this would've been the cherry on top.

But, by some miracle, I opened the letter and saw that I passed. I tried to jump up and down as quietly as I could cause people in my house were still sleeping. Finally, something to make me happy. Anyway, let's get back to it.

I was contemplating whether or not to carry on with this blog cause to be honest I don't really want to talk about it, let alone put it on the internet for everyone to see. But, I'm going to finish what I started. I'm always quick to give up with things once they haven't gone my way so I'll start making a change from now. I won't post this on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter so if you've found this, you've found it on your own accord. (I'm really surprised to see I've gotten a whole loada views since I've been away, I'm not sure where you guys have come from but welcome). I'll be skipping some parts, and not going into too much detail with others. Forgive me, but I want to get this over with and move on. To add to that, its hard for me to talk about how I felt then, because of how I feel now. But I'll try and not let my emotions alter the way I write.

Also I need to mention my phone got stolen two days before I was meant to fly back, and I was too cheap to upgrade my iCloud for 79p a month, so I've lost all my pictures. I have some that I sent to my friends so I guess its better than nothing. I'll add those in.

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start from the very beginning.

It was day of departure. I woke up in a pool of my own vomit. Slight exaggeration, more like dribbles of vomit but it was disgusting nonetheless. I had gone to a bar for my birthday the night before and was given drinks the whole night. My friends didn't give me a chance to breathe. I don't think I took out my card once but somehow my hand was never empty. It was a fun night so I can't complain but this hangover was something else.

This is me clearly ecstatic to be turning 25.

I had so much planned for today but one slight movement of the head and it felt like the whole room was spiralling out of control. So what did I do?

I went back to sleep and thanked fuck that my flight was at 9pm. My nails can wait.

I woke up, realised it was way too late to go to my usual nail shop so went to the one down my road. Big mistake, they started chipping 48 hours later but hey at least I didn't miss my flight. First world problems.

My friend Gamze, God bless her soul came and packed for me cause I was clearly incapable. She even dropped me to the airport. What an angel.

I was so hungover there was no time for anxiety. I don't know which I would've preferred to be honest. I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and nothing else. Don't think about anything, just walk.

I checked in, handed in my bags and got my boarding ticket. Found somewhere to eat, managed to stomach half a sandwich, went and bought a neck pillow (I've already got two at home but can never remember to use them more than once) and waited for my flight.

I got the window seat. The middle seat was empty and the aisle seat was taken by a rather large African lady. Shortly after, the middle seat belonged to her wig. Yes, she swung her wig off.

I landed in Addis Ababa and got slapped in the face by culture shock. Everyone was staring at me and it made me feel a bit out of place. The airport was a mess, no orderly queues, if you wanted to go to a bar or restaurant you'd have to leave the gate area and to come back in your bags would have to get scanned all over again. The line was long so I couldn't be bothered. I went downstairs to my gate and waited for two hours for my next flight. No sign of anxiety and for that I was grateful.

A girl started talking to me, she wore a headscarf and her mums whole face was covered. She asked me why I was going to Maputo and started telling me scare stories about how people get kidnapped there. I ignored it. Then she started talking about Islam.

'You're Iranian, how come you're not muslim?'
'Cause my mum allowed me to make my own choice, and she wasn't religious herself.'
'Oh, I think thats really sad.'

I ignored it. Be nice Adiné, be nice.

She carried on.

'I think it's important to teach your kids the values of Islam so it carries on in generations. Allah tells us that...'

Lord if this child carries on.

(She carried on)

Look, I don't have a problem with Islam, or any other religion. I respect you and your beliefs. All I ask you religious people is to respect mine in return.

I changed the subject back to Maputo. I would rather listen to the possibility of me getting kidnapped. I asked her why she was going and from then on it was a pretty nice conversation. She took my number, said she wanted to keep in touch, which was sweet.

It was finally time to get on the plane. I sat in the middle of two people. The smell of the guy that was sitting on my left was so potent I swear it burnt off my nose hairs. He kept moving.

Please stop lifting your arms up. Please.

Any sudden movement and I got a whiff of his smell.

And then when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he started talking.

'Whats your name?'
'Adiné.'
'Where are you from?'
'London.'
'What religion are you?'

Ey? Fuck man. Leave me alone.

'I don't have one.'
'Oh no, Why? Christianity is the best religion. Honestly. It's the most kind and the most peaceful and..'

And so he went on. All I replied with was 'mmm'.

I closed my eyes so he would leave me alone. I managed to fall asleep.
But as soon as he saw I was awake he'd start again.

'Are you married?'
'No.'
'My uncle and brothers all have a white wife. I want a white wife too. Would you want to get married to a white man or black man?'

This conversation was getting ridiculous. I replied with 'I don't really care, whoever I fall in love with'.

'Hmm no, me I really want to get married to white. I would love to keep in touch with you. Maybe one day we go restaurant?'

Boy if you don't..

'I have been travelling around, I've been to Malaysia but I won't marry there cause their English not very good.'

I DON'T CARE!

'Can I have your number, so I can talk to you?'
'Erm no, give me your Facebook and I'll add you when I get WiFi.'
'Ok make sure you don't forget.'

Yeah right.

I closed my eyes again and prayed he'd stop talking. And moving.

The air hostesses brought lunch round. Guys, this dude left a strip of beef on his plate AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOME. Did I look famished or something? Are we mates for me to be picking food off your plate? I smiled and politely said no.

Few hours passed and I started to get restless. He was annoying me, I was squashed between two people and loverboy here had taken off his shoes so the smell was a double whammy.

Then, an announcement said to put on our seatbelt cause we were getting ready to land for Maputo. And just like that I felt anxiety kick me in the face. My stomach was about to come out my mouth and my heart started to beat so fast I swear I could feel it trying to come through my chest.

Deep breaths.
If the guy next to me asks why I'm breathing like this I swear I will lose my shit.

This is the part where I tell you guys he said he would spend a week with me in Tofo. You know, him. (If you're new here, you're going to have to go all the way to my first post to know what I'm talking about). The thought of being in the same country as him made blood drain from my face. Why was I so nervous? He offered to pick me up from the airport the day before but I said it was fine. I didn't think I deserved any favours plus I needed to get my shit together before I saw him. Look in the mirror, point to myself and say you got this and all that (joke).

(I'm not joking).

I got off the plane, again concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. There was no sign of my hangover and my nerves had fully taken over. Then, something else threw a spanner in the works. I saw a sign saying 'no yellow fever vaccination, no entry'. I thought I was going to throw up. No one told me about yellow fucking fever.

Please don't tell me I came all this way to be turned back again. 

The guy took my passport and told me to take a seat, apparently you can get the jab there for 50 dollars. I didn't mind, at least I could enter the country.

Then he called me. 'It's a scam for them to make money, you were only in Ethiopia for two hours so you don't need to get it done, argue with them, be firm. Oh and... I'm outside by the way'.

Huhhhhhhh?! My head started spinning. My stomach was in knots. I looked like a mess and I probably still had a hint of vomit on my breath. This was a really nice gesture but all I could concentrate on was not shitting myself. I HAVEN'T GIVEN MYSELF A PEP TALK YET.

Pull yourself together woman.

I argued with the dude about yellow fever and to be honest it didn't take much. He was nice and told me he'll let me off. Saved myself 50 dollars.

I queued at passport control, got my bags off the conveyer belt, walked outside, looked around..

And then I saw him.

Fuck.