Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)

How To Be A Perfect Hot Mess In 3 Steps

It's 4:13am. I can't sleep.



Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.

I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...

*Drum roll please*

THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.

The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.

Step one: Get it out in the open.

Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:

I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.

Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.

Step two: Feel alive.

Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.

Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.

Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.

Merry Christmas x

Bumble & Fish

I became besties with our neighbours horse 

I'm back, sad times. It's bloody cold and jet lag is being a bitch. By the time I get sleepy it's going to be time to get up for work. I can't sleep so I might as well start planning my next trip, I can't stay here for too long. This year I did three countries, next year I'm aiming for four. Let's see how it goes. Anyway..

I don't have many friends in San Jose, so while I was there I thought to join Bumble. For those of you who don't know, Bumble started off as a dating app, but then added a 'friends' and 'networking' feature too (I think.. Or maybe it started off with all three features. I don't know I'm not an expert maybe I should've googled it before writing this but it's too late now). I looked at the friends section first but I felt kind of weird swiping right for girls. What would you even say? What do you swipe right based on? 'Hey you're really pretty, let's be friends?' Yeah, I felt like a creep.

I went onto the dating side. I swiped left for every single guy (minus one that looked like something out of a movie but I didn't meet up with him because I don't have an excuse I've got issues) so it was kinda pointless but as I was doing that, I noticed something. These guys loved posing with fish. Most guys take pictures with cute dogs and that I understand. I think that's pretty smart, girls love cute dogs. Maybe they'll even forget about his not so attractive face for a second and swipe right just for the dog. But fish? Was this the norm out here? Do fish excite these American girls? Do they have some sort of fetish for fishermen? Is it to say 'hey look I can provide for our family I can catch fish now come get this dick' ?!?

I don't know what the obsession was, but I found it fucking hilarious. So I made it my mission to find as many pictures as I could with men posing with fish. I only stopped cause I got bored and deleted my account, I reckon I could've found hundreds if I carried on. Every other guy had a fish in their hand.

Here's Bryce and Matthew looking very happy with their fish. Chad looks a bit surprised as if he doesn't know how that fish got there.

These three are showing off their kissing abilities. A bit too wide there, Kyle. And is your whole tongue out Michael? Have some flaming decorum. Jeez.

Taylor was out to impress with a double whammy. If that wasn't enough, he even posted a second pic. This ones a keeper girls. Alex however, will slit your throat if you misbehave, just like how he did with that fish. No but why does he look so happy this is ridiculous lolol

Zack is making a point here. He can catch loads of fish. Real big ones. Maybe the bigger the fish the bigger the penis. I don't know I'm just throwing ideas out there. Either way, he's a show off. No one likes a show off, Zack.

Matt and Greg are really thinking outside the box. 'Fish? Meh, everyone can catch fish. We've caught crabs'. They could also be letting you know they have an STI. I would stay away from Matt and Greg, just in case.

Matthew catches sharks. And turtles. Matthew is basically a psycho serial killer. Report Matthew. 

If any of you guys that have been posted on here come across this blog, please don't sue me. Well you can, I don't have much money anyway.

10 Boxing Day Sales Tips

I mean, who doesn't want to experience a war while they're shopping?  

You could lose an eye but is it not worth the £5 you just saved?! They say it's all fun and games until someone gets hurt. Don't listen to they, that's the best part. Beat up someones nan. Battle a little boy for his LEGO set and give him a deep wedgie. Kick a dad in the bollocks. Punch his wife in the ovaries. Pull her hair. Snatch that Barbie Dolphin Magic Transforming Doll from a seven year olds hands. Taste her tears. 

You came to win and you came to win big. Here's some tips for you to succeed:

• Set up a pop up tent right outside your favourite store. Piss in a bottle and use that for warmth e.g a hot water bottle, or even a pillow. Don't get it on your hands. If you do, Bear Grylls has survived worse. You'll be okay.

• Bring the whole family. The bigger the crowd you are, the more territory you can cover. If you know someone that's come out of jail with face tattoos, even better. Invite him. He's scary and I bet he can carry two flat screen TV's on each arm.

• If you don't know anyone with face tattoos, cake yourself in war paint. Make yourself look terrifying. Pour fake blood over yourself to make it look like you've just slaughtered someone. Bring a pseudo semi-automatic shotgun. Don't get arrested. 

• Wear a mask that covers your whole face in case you get pepper sprayed. Better yet, bring pepper spray to use on others. Still wear the mask though cause pepper spray goes everywhere. I experienced this first hand in 2010 (not whilst shopping).

• Go around telling people you're a Jehovah Witness and ask if they have a moment to talk about Jesus Christ your saviour. They will walk away from those half price jeans you wanted.

• Buy night vision goggles. Have sex with an IT guy the night before and tape it. Blackmail him and tell him you will show it to his mother if he doesn't hack into the store's network and shut off their electricity. While everyone else is flailing about in darkness, your family will pillage without mercy. Since CCTV is down, you're welcome to knock out anyone that gets in your way.

• If your seducing skills are abominable and IT guy doesn't fall for your trap, buy tear gas. Protect your own eyes. No one else can see anything. You're welcome.

• Steal a skunk from the zoo. Use it as a weapon while it sprays from its anal glands. If it gets on you, don't worry. It will repel other people.

• Shriek ALLAHU AKBAR from the top of your lungs as you gallop around with a backpack. Everyone runs out. You have the whole store to yourself. Boom.

• Blow flour in people's faces and tell them its cocaine. Hold their head and stuff more up their nose for a greater impact. Run around them in circles whilst chanting satanic rituals. They have a panic attack while you get that last cute crop top in your size.

Disclaimer: I don't participate in sales. I take no responsibility if you try any of the tips mentioned. Good luck to you. May the odds be ever in your favour. 

Self-love & Growth

We're gonna get real spiritual up in this bitch.

When I came back from Mozambique, I was a big ball of angry mess. I was angry with myself, angry with my decisions, angry with the world. I hated everything. I was lost. 'When you're lost in the woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realise that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't know from which direction the sun rises anymore'.

It was destructive. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was losing myself. Self help books were a bore and I'd roll my eyes at every sentence before throwing the book in the corner of the room. I ended up putting them all in the recycling bin. I was even angry at the author for making it sound so easy. I thought maybe I just had to go through the motions and live life in a mechanical manner, until one day I miraculously wake up and be happy again. But that wasn't working for me. I got sick of it and realised that I'm too brilliant for this. I hadn't quite seen all my brilliance yet, but I knew I was too brilliant for this. This reality didn't fit my DNA. I started watching motivational videos. I fell in love with one and watched the same hour long video every night for two weeks. Every night I watched it like it was my first time seeing it. I took notes. I watched it until I knew every word off by heart and I could finish his sentences. I was in awe of him. He was fantastic.

I'll tell you what he taught me and I'll tell you what I did to mend myself.

I stuck post it notes all around my room. Labelled with all the things I am.

I am intelligent.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.

.. And so on. I am, I am, I am. I'd wake up and drill I am. I'd say it out loud and I'd say it until I believed it. Every morning I'd wake up and say one thing I forgive myself for. That was not easy, it took a while. Forgiving yourself is much harder than believing yourself. I found myself having to talk to myself in my head during the day because just saying it in the morning wasn't enough. I'd also say the things I was proud of myself for.

I am.
I forgive you for.
I'm proud of you for.

Everyday I started my sentences off with that. I felt stupid at first, talking to myself out loud like a loony. But it really did help.

Am I pulling out a wedgie? Am I scratching my arse? Find out on next weeks episode of I am a wasteman and this was a dead joke

We try so hard to be perfect, to make few mistakes as possible. But I learnt my best lessons in my greatest mistakes, so don't be afraid of making them. Lessons don't come with hugs and roses. Lessons don't come wrapped in ribbons. Lessons aren't delivered outside your door by a stork. My greatest lessons came with tears on my pillow. They came with weeks of pain and suffering. They came with heartbreak. They came with me crying on Skype to my mum. They came with my lungs feeling like they shattered every time I took a breath. These lessons, they're not easy. The lessons are there so you don't make the same mistake again. Don't make the same mistakes as me and not learn from them the first time.

People want the convenience of transformation without the inconvenience required for transformation. Growth is uncomfortable. Growth begins at the end of your comfort zone. We are biologically wired to stay within a certain zone of comfort and to avoid the seemingly unnecessary pain that comes from stretching beyond it. You find people saying 'oh I've always been this way' or 'you know what I'm like', okay well if that's working for you then you do you. You won't become who you want because you're too attached to who you've been. It's hard, changing yourself. Believe me I know. Sometimes your greatest leap comes from being fed up with something. Your greatest leap comes with being done with something. I had hit my version of rock bottom. I was fighting the start of  depression. It hadn't fully got me yet but I could feel it lurking. If I had carried on going down the path I was going, it would've snatched me and swallowed me whole.

I looked at every toxic behaviour in my life. I came face to face with it. People don't want to tell on themselves. You're trying to do four things: protect, prove, hide and defend. Your energy is consumed with it. If you wake up everyday saying I have nothing to protect, I have nothing to prove, I have nothing to hide and I have nothing to defend, and you let go of that, then you're now in creation. You can be whatever you want to be. Some of us are more committed to keep the company we're keeping than we are being the person we're designed to be. We want to grow but we still want to stay liked by everybody.

Listen to this (or read this even):

Cognitive dissonance is the form of mental disruption when you literally disrupt your own mind by thinking of yourself in a way that doesn't match your current behaviour. It's beyond your current behaviour. Your mind will be uncomfortable because it doesn't match. So your mind will begin to call you to do the thing to make your mental conversation match your behaviour. Do you know how crazy that is? Read that again if you don't understand. Read it a few times. The mind is a powerful thing. If you try hard enough, if you want it bad enough, you can mould yourself into the person you want to be. Disrupt any form of complacency you might have in mediocracy. Your 70% might be someones 150%, but it's still only your 70%.

Now? I feel invincible. There's absolutely nothing you can do to make me doubt the person I am today. I've worked hard at it. My confidence is sky high. I'm still a work in progress but everyone should be. I feel powerful. I'm numb to the world but that's just a defence mechanism and I believe that will go in time. I'm learning to forgive someone who isn't sorry, because I refuse to be shackled to the past. The choice you make, between hating and forgiving, can become the story of your life. So I'm learning to let go of the hate too. Sometimes the flashbacks make me stare so deep into space that I only realise I've zoned out when I have someone waving their hand in my face. But I don't want to pollute my heart with anger. I'm learning to treat it as nothing but a memory, and a lesson. The heartache, pain and disappointment I experienced served me a purpose. It awaked me to my greatest self. People can perceive these things as being broken, or they need fixing. You may feel like you're broken, but think of it as you're shedding. You're shedding your old self to make room for the new. All you need is a little self-love and self-acceptance. Don't look for these things in other people. Sure, it offers reassurance but it will last a second. Don't spend a lifetime trying to fix yourself to be perfect to appeal to others. Be willing to be your own rescue at the risk of their approval. Wake up everyday and love yourself, their love is extra. 

I hope you can take something from this. I took bits and pieces of what I've learnt and added it in here. I hope it stirred your soul like it did mine. If you felt a slight tinge of something then you're still in the game. It's never too late. Be willing to completely die to any form of you that you have been, so you can birth the person you are becoming. 

Leaving It Unfinished, Sorry

I'm going to leave that story there.

My intention wasn't to hurt anyone's feelings. It was just a way to get my anger out and I admit, I should've just wrote it in a notebook. I in no way tried to paint myself as an angel with a halo above my head. As I said, I was in the wrong. This whole thing started out because I did wrong. But this blog was about my trip, and I was only explaining things that happened on my trip. If I had known that my words on here would affect someone negatively, I never would've started it.

So, what can you take from my story? What I've learnt is, you can't un-love someone. It doesn't leave.   You don't wake up one day and decide you no longer want what's best for them. You can try as hard as you want but the love will still be there. It's forever from the very beginning. It's forever before either of you even realise what's happening. It's forever without your permission and it's forever when it's hit rock bottom. It will get easier, but it will still be forever. But it's okay to love people from a distance.

I use my story as my fuel and not my fortress. He took a part of me that I'll never get back, and that is fine. He took naivety. He took dishonesty. He took the part of me that didn't think about consequences. He took weak. He took the parts that I didn't want. So I can only try and see this as a positive. I wear what I've been as a badge, not with honour but not with ignominy either. A liar? I've been that. A cheater? I've been that. I've got the badge for it and there's no hiding from it. It's got me to where I am now and there's no shame in that. There's a point where everything you've been and every characteristic you've had, doesn't serve you. You need to confront it. You need to say thank you for getting me to this point, but in order for me to get there, I have to leave you here. If you lose someone but find yourself, you've won. Maybe one day I'll thank him for it.

Anyway.

I'll let you guess what happens next. Use your imagination, I don't know. I wish I could give you a fairytale ending but glass slippers do not exist and you'd be a fool to think otherwise. Maybe I'll carry on writing, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll treat this as my diary and talk nonsense about my everyday life. Maybe you'll enjoy it, maybe you won't. Maybe maybe maybe.

I Missed My Second Flight

The next day I went horse riding on the beach. You know how little girls always want a pony, but grow out of it when they get older? Yeah, my obsession never left. To this day when my mum asks what I want for my birthday or Christmas, my reply is a horse. I don't know where I'd keep it, but I want one. I love them :(

This picture makes me laugh every time I look at it. I look like such a dweeb LOL

Horse riding is seriously harder than it looks. We tried trotting and I did not make it look graceful at all, nor was I wearing the right attire. My tits were flying around everywhere, the fishermen got quite a show. Next time I know not to wear a low cut top. Or a skirt. What an idiot. 

I went to dinner with Bas that night, Bea and Chris couldn't come because they were taking their hosts to a restaurant to thank them for having them. They met us after when they were done. Bas was going on about this event that was happening in Maputo tomorrow night and he said it was going to be huge. My friend Leo in Maputo, also told me she had spare tickets for the event. Me having the FOMO that I have, considered leaving a day earlier. That meant missing my flight (again), paying for a night at Baobab for no reason AND getting an AirBnb for one extra night in Maputo. But on the other side, the weather for the next day was crap plus the airlines over there weren't reliable so it could've got cancelled and I would've had to pay for an extra day in Baobab anyway. I only had a few days left in Mozambique, I wanted to make the most of it. I remembered that he was going to a house event too, so I specifically asked Leo 'hey remember that event he was talking about, it's not the same one we're going to is it?' and she told me that there was a house event on the week before and he was probably talking about that one. 

Okay so, I won't bump into him. I'm probably being paranoid, right? For the love of God Adiné, when will you learn to trust your instincts?

Chris and Bea told me they were taking the bus back to Maputo too. It leaves at 5am and it goes straight there. I went back to my hotel, paid my tab, ordered a tuk-tuk for 4:15, packed my bags and set my alarm for 4am. 

I didn't sleep that night. I spent the whole night staring at the ceiling. It's hard to say now if I regret the decision I made to go. I don't regret many things. I think it was meant to happen. I was meant to see that side to him. I wish I didn't because I'm filled up with so much hate now, my blood boils every time I think about that night. But that's the way it was meant to be. Fate put me in the game, it dealt the cards that led me to him and I started to play it out from the first moment I saw him. My story began with a man and a heart full of love and it ends... Well, you'll see how it ends. 

First Night In Vilanculos

I stayed at Baobab Beach Backpackers and I loved it. My room was huge and the view was amazing. In the evening the common area was always packed with people so it was impossible not to make friends. If I ever go back to Vilanculos I'd definitely stay there again.

This was the view from outside my room

I was starting to get bored of staying indoors in the evenings, there's so much of your own company you can take. I tried not to go out when it was dark but it was my first night and I was excited so I decided to go out for dinner. Here's a video of me acting a fool..

I went to a restaurant called Leopoldina's. It was tiny with just three plastic tables and a few chairs. I got a prawn matapa and although it looked like baby's diarrhoea, it was fucking delicious.

I sat on my own on the far left table, there was a man and a woman sitting on the middle table, and two guys and a girl sitting on the far right. None of us had ordered yet. The man in the middle, his name was Hugo, looked over to me and asked if I was on my own.

"Yeah I am."
"Come over and join us if you like."

I can't even tell you how happy that made me. I shot up as if I was waiting for him to ask. I went and sat with them, then the girl that was sitting on the table on the right said "hey, what about us?". We all laughed and Hugo told them that they could come too, so we put the two tables together to make one big table. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. In that moment I was so happy.

Nicoletta, the woman sitting with Hugo, asked "So why are you guys here? What's your story?".

Oh man.

Hugo went first. He was a diver and travelled to countries where he could be an instructor. He never stayed in a place more than a couple months, but he loved Mozambique so much that he came back and moved here permanently.

Nicoletta took a year out to travel the world. She told us all the countries she's been to, in order. I really wanted to know how much money she saved up to be able to do that but I thought it would be rude to ask. She seemed to be a strong, independent woman and I liked that about her.

Then it was my turn. I looked down and went silent for what seemed like forever. I took a sip of my drink.

"Okay so... I fell head over heels in love with this guy.."

Their expression changed, they all had this big smile on their face. I think I even heard someone say 'aww'.

"No no. It doesn't end well.."

Nicoletta stopped me. "Would you have travelled here on your own if it wasn't for your situation?"

"Umm, no".

"So it does end well then. Everything happens for a reason. This was meant to happen to you, so you could experience this."

I wanted to cry. Fuck man when did you turn into such a pansy? I downed my drink and finished my story. They stopped me at some points to ask me questions like, 'why did you book a ticket so soon after knowing him' or 'why didn't you just save yourself the bother and not come' and all I could do was answer honestly.

Because I was in love.

Beatrice's story gave me goosebumps. She was amazing. She came to Mozambique to find her dad. About 20 something years ago, Germany deported all the Mozambicans that went there for work. She was only two when he had to leave. All she had of him was a picture that was decades old, and his social security number in Germany that meant nothing in Mozambique. She started searching for him two years ago. She went from village to village, showing people the picture she had, asking them if they had seen this man. When she felt like she was getting somewhere, she ran out of time and had to fly back to Germany. A year later, she went back to Mozambique and started where she left off. She went back to the same man she spoke to last and he said "Now that you're back, I can see you're not lying. The man you're looking for is my cousin". (At this point I was really fighting back tears. I'm a soppy git, I've come to terms with it now.) She went back this year so her boyfriend could meet her dad.

The other two guys were Chris and Bas. Chris was Bea's boyfriend, and Bas was Bea's friend that was working in Maputo last year and had decided to come back for a holiday.

We all exchanged Facebook's and numbers. Hugo and Nicoletta left, and us four went to a stall that was open (all the bars were closed, it was pretty late and it was a weekday) that sold beer. I forgot I hated beer for a second and bought one. We had a nice chat and I left them about an hour later to walk back.

I went to sleep that night with a smile on my face. I made the right choice going to Vilanculos.

Making My Way To Vilanculos

This is me when I write a blog post about this trip, this is why I have to take breaks LOL!

Where were we?

So to get to Vilanculos from Tofo, you have to go to town and get a ferry to Maxixe, then bus to Vilanculos. I didn't want to get a chappa to town so one of the boys that worked behind the bar in Mozambeat offered to take me. He picked me up at 6am and we made our way there.

Now. When I heard that I had to get a ferry, someone please tell me why I imagined the ferry to look like the ones in Dover. When I saw the... boat... my lips parted for a good 4 minutes and I had to stop myself from laughing. Let me find a picture on the internet.

Oh my God this is it!

Looooooooool

Yeah, I mean, I'm the idiot for thinking it was going to be as big as a ship. I was one of the last ones to get in so luckily I was right at the front. Well, there was still space at the back, although I didn't see the space myself but somehow people managed to squeeze themselves in. I think the guy felt sorry for me and let me sit at the front. There must've been more than 40 people in there, it was crazy.

The boat was slow, it erm... struggled to move. There were times I thought we were going to sink. I did want the real African experience though, ask and you shall receive my dear. It was only a 30 minute journey, I thought Maxixe was going to be really far. To give you an idea of how slow it was though, with a jet ski it definitely would've taken about three minutes.

When I got off the guy that was sitting next to me asked if I needed help with my suitcase. I'm a disgustingly clumsy person so my whole concentration was on not dropping in the water, carrying a suitcase would've made it more difficult. 

"Yes please". 

We walked down but he was still rolling my suitcase along. How could you be so stupid? He's going to run away with it!

I got closer to him, thanked him and said that I can manage from here. He gave it back to me but still walked next to me. We got to the end of the road and he asked if I needed help with my suitcase again and I said no thanks. Yep he definitely wants to rob me. Fuck. 

"Where are you going?"
"I need to find the bus that goes to Vilanculos, do you know where it is?"
"Oh yes, I know"

... And he just started walking with me. I thought he was going to give me directions! A million thoughts were going through my head, then I stopped myself. Look, if the man wants to help you, be grateful, it's a nice gesture. I looked at him and smiled, I thanked him and asked what his name was. We made conversation, he told me he came to Maxixe everyday to go to work. He offered to help me with my suitcase again and this time I let him. To be honest, I was struggling. It was hot, I was sweating and I had a couple bags to carry plus my jacket. Change your attitude and you no longer feel like a target. He was lovely.

I thought finding the bus would be straight forward. I was wrong. I got told when you get off the ferry the bus would be right there. We walked for quite a bit, the guy that was helping me asked around to ask where the bus was. We were looking for the 'big bus' that goes to Vilanculos. I was expecting a coach.

I didn't like Maxixe. I felt out of place, I felt like everyone was staring at me. The locals didn't smile and say hello like they did in Tofo. Every so often I'd hear,

"Mmmmm sistaaa"
"Hello babyyyyy"

I felt uncomfortable and I was so thankful for this guy to be walking with me. He talked to another man and apparently he got told that the big bus had already left. I'm not sure why because I was early, it either left or we couldn't find it. So, he took me to a road where there were loads of mini buses, with men standing around shouting "VILANCULOS!". At least I knew I was in the right place. He took me to one of the mini buses and told me it would take me straight there. I said goodbye, gave him some money and thanked him a million times.                

It looked like it was about to fall apart 

I sat in that bus for two and a half hours before it moved. They wait until it's full before they leave. My arse was numb before the journey even started. Every now and then people would wave random things they were selling through the window. I felt frustrated and I felt homesick. I was going through a wave of emotions. I was hurt from the night before. Tears started pricking my eyes. No no no don't start crying now. Not here. Not in front of these people. I must've blinked a thousand times trying to make it stop. I turned my face towards the window so no one would see me welling up.  One tear dropped. Two. I wiped them away and tried to stop thinking. Tried to stop feeling sorry for myself. Get your fucking shit together. I got my book out to take my mind off things.

The journey was about 4-5 hours. It wasn't too bad. When we got dropped off to Vilanculos a big SUV pulled up to me. 

"Hey where you going? You want a lift?"

He wasn't a taxi driver, he was an old white dude. Another guy came up to me and asked if I wanted him to take me to my hotel. 

"No thanks, I've already got a ride", I must've taken about two seconds to think before jumping in. Thinking back, it was a bit of a silly thing to do. I could've been safer and paid for a tuk-tuk. But I got lucky, again. Old white dude was really nice, he said he goes there sometimes and helps out travellers that looked confused and don't know where they're going. He dropped me off to Baobab safe and sound. 

It's funny. Things always have a way of working out for me. Or maybe it's just the way I look at things. The way I see it, you'll always be okay in the end (unless you die or you lose a limb then yeah you fucked up). Yes I was heartbroken, yes I was upset, yes I felt empty, but I was in a beautiful place and I was safe,

.. And I was okay. 

Last Days In Tofo

I made the most out of my next few days in Tofo. I felt safe on my own. If men came up to me, they came for a conversation. Once a dude smiled at me from his friends car and I smiled back, then his friend stopped the car and the guy got out. His friend drove slowly behind us. There was no one else around. I got anxious, I can't lie.

Okay, this is the part I get kidnapped, I thought. He's going to drag me in the car. Shit. Walk fast.

"Hey, do you mind if I walk with you?"
"Erm, no."
"Cool, what's your name?"
"Adiné." I didn't ask for his, but he told me it anyway.
"Where are you from?"

At first I was a bit blunt with him, then I realised he was harmless. That could've been me being naive but I didn't feel uncomfortable. I changed my mindset. What if he was just looking for a chat, and I was there being a cow? I think people were intrigued more than anything. Instead of keeping my head down and feeling on edge, I held my head high and walked with purpose. I smiled at every person I walked past. I greeted them before they greeted me. I answered their questions instead of ignoring them. When you change your attitude, you no longer feel like a target. Smile and the world smiles with you, right?



One time, a Spanish guy on a quad bike saw I was walking back to my hotel. It wasn't one of those quad bikes you can rent, this one looked serious. It even had a digital screen at the front to tell you how fast you're going.

"Hey, you want a lift back to your hotel?"
"Ummmm, no I'm okay"
"Come on, I'll take you. You stay at Mozambeat right? I live near there."

What's the worst that could happen? If he goes the wrong way, I can jump off, fall in sand, and run the opposite direction. To hell with it.

"Okay! Yep Mozambeat."

So I climbed on. It was fun, he drove around and showed me the outside of his house. He had ten dogs! He told me he finds strays and gives them a home. He drove us past Branko's house (the arrogant arsehole with the nice restaurant).

"This is Branko's house. He is a very angry man."

Ha, so everyone knew then.

"Yeah, I've noticed!"

Lo and behold, he dropped me off to Mozambeat safe and sound. I didn't get raped, I didn't get kidnapped, and I didn't get sliced open to have my organs sold.

Can we appreciate my tan please?

It was my last day in Tofo. I was meant to get the bus to Vilanculos the next day but the weather for the next three days there wasn't too great. J said if I wanted I could go back to Maputo and stay at his apartment. I thought about it long and hard. I had already paid for the hotel in Vilanculos and also the flight back from there, and if I didn't go now when would I ever get to see Vilanculos? But then on the other hand, I could spend the rest of my time with him. 

I went with my heart and decided that he was more important to me than Vilanculos. But before I went and bought my bus ticket, I tested him. He tested me all throughout our relationship, so why shouldn't I now? Especially when I have so much to lose. I wanted to know if me going there would be worth it. If he would forgive me in the end or if we were going to go round in circles. So, I sent a long message. I won't get into it in too much detail, but I basically said that I can't change the past and all I can do is do better now, and if that isn't good enough then let me know and I will go to Vilanculos. 

"Go to V."

Stab in the heart.

"You're a let down."

I'm a let down? The same girl who travelled to Africa on the off chance that you would see her, even though you told her it would be a wasted journey is a let down? Because we ALL know I went for him. I knew it, my friends knew it, hell I think deep down even he knew it. I was willing to scrap the rest of my trip to go to him, but I'm a let down?

I gave it one last shot. I sent him another message telling him that I wanted to go to apologise to him and tell him how much I loved him and that the things I did will never happen again. He told me that he knew I had nothing new to say and that he was done hoping and trying.

Then the truth hit me like a ton of bricks.

He was never going to forgive me. It was never his intention to forgive me. His ego was bruised and he just wanted me to stroke it. He wanted to hear me beg and plead to make himself feel better and in the end, he still wouldn't have forgiven me. Look, I'm a good writer. Everyone tells me I'm a good writer. I write paragraphs for my friends to send their boyfriends and those are emotions I'm not even feeling, so imagine what I can write when I am. I could've wrote and practiced this big speech, and I could've gone to Maputo and performed it to him. But it wouldn't have gone anywhere. I could've written love letters in my own blood and I would still be in the same position I am now (not sure if anyone has ever done this, that's a bit psychotic but you get the picture).

So, after realisation slapped me in the face, I said "No worries, I'll cut my losses", and packed my suitcase ready to travel to Vilanculos the next day.

I wish I could tell you it doesn't get worse.

I wish I could tell you I didn't see him again.

Things Get Ugly

I think I'm going to wrap things up pretty soon cause I'm not enjoying this. I'll give it a few more posts then I'm done. I find myself staring into space every time I click publish, looking at the time and realising an hour has passed. I can't put things behind me if I'm writing about it all the time. I'm carrying a lot of negative energy. I'm angry. If people thought I had road rage before they should see me now. I'm surprised I haven't been dragged out my car. I can't think about anything else. I go over things over and over and over again. Replaying scenarios. My blood boils.

So where do we go from here? I'm done talking about the good times. It's enough. Lets fast forward to when its time for him to leave Tofo.

The night before we had an argument. I apologised. I told him I fucked up. I told him it's the only thing in my life that I regret. His problem was that I hadn't said enough. My apologies felt empty to him.

Right.

Lordddd help me keep my composure in these next few posts. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to explain things without saying too much. I keep myself to myself, I don't like people knowing my business, so for me to be writing all this on the internet is just a little bit crazy. I'm taking some comfort in the fact that the people who're reading this are probably strangers. I don't think this will be constructed well, I'm going to type without thinking and hit publish without reading it over. If I do I'll definitely change my mind and delete this blog altogether.

Okay.

Let's rewind to a couple days before when we were laying down on the beach at night. My head was resting on his chest and I had my back to him. I asked him what he was thinking and he said,
'Nothing, what you thinking?'
'Figuring out how I can make you happy.'
Pause.
'I don't have the answers though. Could you help me out?'
He replied with 'I don't have the answers either' then said something along the lines of 'what would make you happy?'
'Do you have a time machine so I can turn back time?'
'What would you do different?'
All I could manage to say was 'not lie to you'.

Then I was in tears. If I had said anything else I would've choked on my words. We laid there for a while, and the whole time tears were coming down my face. He couldn't see my face, fair enough, but any normal person would sense when a person is crying. I'm not saying he's not normal, what I'm trying to say is when a person doesn't want to know or believe something, the human brain blocks it out. He doesn't want to believe it, so it's not happening.

I cried three times in Tofo. Three. In what world do empty apologies come with tears?

Cheeky pic to lighten the mood

Okay, so now he's left Tofo.

The morning after I was a mess. I saw he left the bracelet I got him and I went into panic mode. It felt so final. I cried before breakfast, I cried after breakfast, I cried before lunch, I cried after lunch... You get the picture? I cried for the whole day. It got to the point where I packed my suitcase. I sat on the edge of the bed for about two hours thinking.

Do I forget the rest of my trip and go back to Maputo to try fix things?

Where will I stay?

Will he forgive me?

Is it going to be pointless?

Do I fight?

Do I let go?

I was going out of my mind. I messaged him and asked him to give me something to hold onto, to tell me that he would hear me out when I was done with my trip. He said he'll hear me out even though he knows I'll have nothing to say. I was okay with that. It was something. It calmed me down. I kept thinking if this last week was us on bad terms, imagine what life would be like if we were fine. It would be a fairy tale. Life would be perfect. I can't give up on this right? I need to keep fighting right?

Wrong.

Ocean Safari & Surfing

We did two activities in Tofo.

First we chose to do ocean safari. We did it with Peri-Peri Divers. Don't ask me why they're named after spicy sauce, it has absolutely nothing to do with the ocean or the safari. I think they just love peri-peri out there. I once ordered peri-peri chicken thinking it was going to be like Nandos. This is coming from someone who gets lemon and herb by the way. I don't know why I didn't think to ask if it was spicy or not cause I always ask. The one time I assumed it wasn't going to be, they must've marinated the chicken in scotch bonnets for 48 hours prior to cooking it. I took about two bites and left the rest. My mouth was in pain. My insides felt like they were on fire. And before you think I'm a pussy, J ate my chicken and it made his eyes water. I mean it was nice, if you enjoy feeling like you've swallowed Satan whole.. and he shortly after starts lighting up your organs with a blow torch.

Side note: You have to go to restaurants before you're hungry out there. If you order chicken, I'm pretty sure they go out the back and hunt for it, kill it, skin it, then cook it. That's the only explanation as to why the food takes so long. But hey, at least it's fresh right?


The things ladies over there could balance on their heads was bloody impressive. This was nothing, once I saw a woman with a small table AND a chair on top of her head. 

Ocean safari was really cool. We had to push the boat out on the water and the girls had to jump in first. Of course my arms failed me. Honestly I don't know why I bother going gym (I say that as if I go ham with the weights. I do not). It took us ages to find anything, so long that we thought we weren't going to at all. But in the end we got to see a couple humpback whales, dolphins and a turtle. My eyesight was pretty blurry cause my contacts popped out but luckily whales are kinda huge y'know? I'm blind but I'm not that blind.

We jumped in at some points and guys, I suck at snorkeling. I am so shit. Every time I tried to breathe underwater I got water in my mouth. At one point one of my flippers nearly came off my foot and I had to put them on whilst trying not to drown (I'm so dramatic). And what did I see at the end? Couple rocks. We jumped in when we saw dolphins too. J moved at ninja speed and got to see them up close but obviously I was too slow and missed the whole thing. So I saw some rocks again. It was still worth it though, I had a whale of a time.

Haha..

Get it?

... Sorry



Surfing? You could say I'm a professional. I stood on the board for about three seconds so I'm pretty much ready to apply to tournaments now. I got it in the bag I reckon.

No but all jokes aside it was so good. I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. First we had to practice on sand (we must've looked like absolute bellends), and then when our instructor felt like we got our technique right he took us out in the water. For some reason it was impossible for me not to scream every time I fell off the board so I drank gallons of seawater and was probably on the brink of getting hypernatraemia, but I still had a great time. J was of course, way better than me. The bastard got it on like his second try. I was really proud of him.



I really wanted to do horse riding but the horses in Tofo were sick. We made a joke about them getting malaria but I just googled it and it's actually possible, horse malaria is called equine infectious anaemia. You learn something new everyday. Don't say I don't teach you nothin'!



I've just thrown random pictures in here. None of the pictures I have are relevant to what I'm talking about but I might as well make it aesthetically pleasing.

Did you know they call Inhambane 'The Land of Good People'? And it truly was. Everyone was so friendly. Every person I walked past always greeted me in some way. It made me smile, really warmed my heart. I wish people in London were like that.

I fell in love with Tofo. I wanted to stay there forever.

I Missed My Flight To Tofo

Chill, I missed the flight on purpose.

He was going by bus so I decided to join him. I told him it was because I didn't want him to be on his own for seven hours, and while that was not a lie, I also wanted to spend as much time as I could with him. The time I had left with him was precious, and it was more valuable to me than the money I spent on the plane ticket. I could make that back in a day. I didn't care for the money and I didn't care for the uncomfortable journey. I even made out I didn't want my neck pillow just so he would use it. I let him put his bags near my leg and even though it was digging in my thigh the whole time I didn't complain cause it was adding to his comfort. You see, I showed my love in different ways but I don't think he ever saw it. Or maybe he chose not to. Or maybe he did and it wasn't enough. I didn't fall asleep, but I didn't care for that either. I had my book, and I had him, so I was happy. 

When we got off the bus the walk to Mozambeat Motel was a bit long. The roads there mainly consist of sand so it takes so much more energy to walk, plus I couldn't roll my suitcase along. Bless him, he carried both our luggage so it was more tiring for him than it was for me.

Mozambeat was real nice. I loved it there. The staff were super friendly and the food was top notch. I don't know what they seasoned their chips with but its hands down the best chips I've ever had. It was sprinkled with love (and crack cause it was so damn addictive) by the chip Gods.



The design of the place was pretty cool, proper chilled vibe. They had swinging chairs upstairs that I don't have any pictures of but you could watch the sunset from there. If you ever go to Tofo I'd definitely recommend it. The walk to the beach and restaurants is about 20 minutes but it's still worth it. Plus it's the only form of exercise I got so to be honest I was thankful for it.



I forgot to mention we actually arrived on my birthday. Later on we had cocktails then went to Branko's to have pizza and prawn hot rock. The prawns came raw and marinated and the rock came.... hot. You cooked it yourself, it was yum. (The food is great, but Branko himself is a bit of an arrogant arsehole. The dude needs to be nicer to his staff.)

We had more cocktails then went to the beach. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday.

It was perfect.

Bambi Is A Boy

This is a public announcement that I'm under the influence of alcohol and its only 21:37 on a Friday night and I'm already in bed. I've only had three cocktails before dinner but its hit me and I'm blaming it on the fact that I'm now 25 and an old woman. Oh to be young again.
There's been a lot of backspace action because I'm refusing to write like someone who is drunk. I am fine guys. Fine.

Where we were?

(Lol I really can't take myself seriously right now let alone tell a story but I have nothing better to do and to go to sleep at this time is just ridiculous. My life has not come to this. No suh)

Ok, I'm ready.

-------

He was sitting down on the phone with his back to me. I took a deep breath, I was about to walk up to him to say hi, but then someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and it was my friend from twitter. I haven't mentioned before but let me tell you the backstory:

A couple months ago before I was meant to leave, I went on twitter and typed 'Mozambique' in the search bar. I just wanted to see if I could find anyone who was over there, so I could ask them questions about what it's like out there and whatnot. I came across a girl and I messaged her about safety in Maputo, and her reply was 'here, take my number. WhatsApp me'. She showed me kindness from the very beginning. We talked and became friends.

I didn't ask her to come to the airport. I couldn't believe it. You'll come to realise in time that this girl has the sweetest soul. I have never met anyone so good-hearted. I hugged her and told her that he had turned up too, she knew about him already.

I took another deep breath and walked up to him. My palms were clammy, and my legs felt like Bambi's when he tried to walk on ice for the first time. Lorddddd if my mum ever found out that a man had had this effect on me I would receive a grilling. I managed to open my mouth and let out a weak 'hi'.

(I just had to google if Bambi was a girl or boy, I need to go to sleep).

Fast forward.

The three of us walked to his taxi. I was all over the place, I even dropped my passport. If he hadn't picked it up someones uncle definitely would've sold it for a couple thousand meticais.

We found my apartment. I showered, got ready, then we all went to a restaurant called Treehouse (where two lizards nearly fell on our heads) (we think they were getting jiggy on a branch and they got too excited and lost their balance).

Fast forward x4.

I went back to his apartment.......... heh....

Fast forward x16.

He took the next day off work too so we went to a seafood restaurant I can't for the life of me remember the name of, then we chilled at Polana Serena Hotel. It was pretty nice, had a clean swimming pool and sun beds. I had a good time.

Here is a picture of Polana Hotel I stole off google to make this post look a bit more pretty because I am a bad ass bitch who doesn't care about any copyright laws.

My brain is legit shutting down. This has taken two hours to write. 

The next day we go to Tofo but that is for another post and another day when I am sober.

I'm Back, Let's Begin

So, I'm back. Part of me was homesick and part of me was dreading coming back. The results of our exams had come through and people in our group chat were saying that they failed and I was so sure I failed too. The week before my exam I went through hell and hardly got any revision done. So I was shitting bricks. I was already upset, this would've been the cherry on top.

But, by some miracle, I opened the letter and saw that I passed. I tried to jump up and down as quietly as I could cause people in my house were still sleeping. Finally, something to make me happy. Anyway, let's get back to it.

I was contemplating whether or not to carry on with this blog cause to be honest I don't really want to talk about it, let alone put it on the internet for everyone to see. But, I'm going to finish what I started. I'm always quick to give up with things once they haven't gone my way so I'll start making a change from now. I won't post this on Facebook or anywhere else for that matter so if you've found this, you've found it on your own accord. (I'm really surprised to see I've gotten a whole loada views since I've been away, I'm not sure where you guys have come from but welcome). I'll be skipping some parts, and not going into too much detail with others. Forgive me, but I want to get this over with and move on. To add to that, its hard for me to talk about how I felt then, because of how I feel now. But I'll try and not let my emotions alter the way I write.

Also I need to mention my phone got stolen two days before I was meant to fly back, and I was too cheap to upgrade my iCloud for 79p a month, so I've lost all my pictures. I have some that I sent to my friends so I guess its better than nothing. I'll add those in.

I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start from the very beginning.

It was day of departure. I woke up in a pool of my own vomit. Slight exaggeration, more like dribbles of vomit but it was disgusting nonetheless. I had gone to a bar for my birthday the night before and was given drinks the whole night. My friends didn't give me a chance to breathe. I don't think I took out my card once but somehow my hand was never empty. It was a fun night so I can't complain but this hangover was something else.

This is me clearly ecstatic to be turning 25.

I had so much planned for today but one slight movement of the head and it felt like the whole room was spiralling out of control. So what did I do?

I went back to sleep and thanked fuck that my flight was at 9pm. My nails can wait.

I woke up, realised it was way too late to go to my usual nail shop so went to the one down my road. Big mistake, they started chipping 48 hours later but hey at least I didn't miss my flight. First world problems.

My friend Gamze, God bless her soul came and packed for me cause I was clearly incapable. She even dropped me to the airport. What an angel.

I was so hungover there was no time for anxiety. I don't know which I would've preferred to be honest. I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other and nothing else. Don't think about anything, just walk.

I checked in, handed in my bags and got my boarding ticket. Found somewhere to eat, managed to stomach half a sandwich, went and bought a neck pillow (I've already got two at home but can never remember to use them more than once) and waited for my flight.

I got the window seat. The middle seat was empty and the aisle seat was taken by a rather large African lady. Shortly after, the middle seat belonged to her wig. Yes, she swung her wig off.

I landed in Addis Ababa and got slapped in the face by culture shock. Everyone was staring at me and it made me feel a bit out of place. The airport was a mess, no orderly queues, if you wanted to go to a bar or restaurant you'd have to leave the gate area and to come back in your bags would have to get scanned all over again. The line was long so I couldn't be bothered. I went downstairs to my gate and waited for two hours for my next flight. No sign of anxiety and for that I was grateful.

A girl started talking to me, she wore a headscarf and her mums whole face was covered. She asked me why I was going to Maputo and started telling me scare stories about how people get kidnapped there. I ignored it. Then she started talking about Islam.

'You're Iranian, how come you're not muslim?'
'Cause my mum allowed me to make my own choice, and she wasn't religious herself.'
'Oh, I think thats really sad.'

I ignored it. Be nice Adiné, be nice.

She carried on.

'I think it's important to teach your kids the values of Islam so it carries on in generations. Allah tells us that...'

Lord if this child carries on.

(She carried on)

Look, I don't have a problem with Islam, or any other religion. I respect you and your beliefs. All I ask you religious people is to respect mine in return.

I changed the subject back to Maputo. I would rather listen to the possibility of me getting kidnapped. I asked her why she was going and from then on it was a pretty nice conversation. She took my number, said she wanted to keep in touch, which was sweet.

It was finally time to get on the plane. I sat in the middle of two people. The smell of the guy that was sitting on my left was so potent I swear it burnt off my nose hairs. He kept moving.

Please stop lifting your arms up. Please.

Any sudden movement and I got a whiff of his smell.

And then when I thought it couldn't get any worse, he started talking.

'Whats your name?'
'Adiné.'
'Where are you from?'
'London.'
'What religion are you?'

Ey? Fuck man. Leave me alone.

'I don't have one.'
'Oh no, Why? Christianity is the best religion. Honestly. It's the most kind and the most peaceful and..'

And so he went on. All I replied with was 'mmm'.

I closed my eyes so he would leave me alone. I managed to fall asleep.
But as soon as he saw I was awake he'd start again.

'Are you married?'
'No.'
'My uncle and brothers all have a white wife. I want a white wife too. Would you want to get married to a white man or black man?'

This conversation was getting ridiculous. I replied with 'I don't really care, whoever I fall in love with'.

'Hmm no, me I really want to get married to white. I would love to keep in touch with you. Maybe one day we go restaurant?'

Boy if you don't..

'I have been travelling around, I've been to Malaysia but I won't marry there cause their English not very good.'

I DON'T CARE!

'Can I have your number, so I can talk to you?'
'Erm no, give me your Facebook and I'll add you when I get WiFi.'
'Ok make sure you don't forget.'

Yeah right.

I closed my eyes again and prayed he'd stop talking. And moving.

The air hostesses brought lunch round. Guys, this dude left a strip of beef on his plate AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOME. Did I look famished or something? Are we mates for me to be picking food off your plate? I smiled and politely said no.

Few hours passed and I started to get restless. He was annoying me, I was squashed between two people and loverboy here had taken off his shoes so the smell was a double whammy.

Then, an announcement said to put on our seatbelt cause we were getting ready to land for Maputo. And just like that I felt anxiety kick me in the face. My stomach was about to come out my mouth and my heart started to beat so fast I swear I could feel it trying to come through my chest.

Deep breaths.
If the guy next to me asks why I'm breathing like this I swear I will lose my shit.

This is the part where I tell you guys he said he would spend a week with me in Tofo. You know, him. (If you're new here, you're going to have to go all the way to my first post to know what I'm talking about). The thought of being in the same country as him made blood drain from my face. Why was I so nervous? He offered to pick me up from the airport the day before but I said it was fine. I didn't think I deserved any favours plus I needed to get my shit together before I saw him. Look in the mirror, point to myself and say you got this and all that (joke).

(I'm not joking).

I got off the plane, again concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. There was no sign of my hangover and my nerves had fully taken over. Then, something else threw a spanner in the works. I saw a sign saying 'no yellow fever vaccination, no entry'. I thought I was going to throw up. No one told me about yellow fucking fever.

Please don't tell me I came all this way to be turned back again. 

The guy took my passport and told me to take a seat, apparently you can get the jab there for 50 dollars. I didn't mind, at least I could enter the country.

Then he called me. 'It's a scam for them to make money, you were only in Ethiopia for two hours so you don't need to get it done, argue with them, be firm. Oh and... I'm outside by the way'.

Huhhhhhhh?! My head started spinning. My stomach was in knots. I looked like a mess and I probably still had a hint of vomit on my breath. This was a really nice gesture but all I could concentrate on was not shitting myself. I HAVEN'T GIVEN MYSELF A PEP TALK YET.

Pull yourself together woman.

I argued with the dude about yellow fever and to be honest it didn't take much. He was nice and told me he'll let me off. Saved myself 50 dollars.

I queued at passport control, got my bags off the conveyer belt, walked outside, looked around..

And then I saw him.

Fuck.