Stop Approval Seeking

Your life changes when you stop seeking approval. You stop caring what others think. You stop tiptoeing around people. You can finally breathe.

Changing yourself to meet someone else's expectations never ends well. You can only keep up for so long. Play pretend. Phony conversations. Change the way you dress. The way you talk. For what? In the end you gain nothing. All you've done is based your self worth on someone else.

I did this once. I fell for this guy and I tried to modify myself into what I thought he wanted. Suddenly I was a nun that basically had no sexual relations in the past. I tried to deaden my personality in case I looked too wild. Put my phone on silent in case it rang one too many times.

Cause God forbid it was a male human calling. Why do you have so many guy friends? Why can't you be like the other girls? None of my friend's girlfriends are like you. Blah blah blah.

And sometimes I'd have a few drinks and let loose. Dance. Laugh. Give piggyback rides. Yes, piggyback rides. Hell, he'd even enjoy himself. But then the next morning he'd call me a 'party girl' and stare at the ceiling for two hours wondering what he'd gotten himself into.

I didn't help myself. I was pretending to be someone I'm not, which then turned into telling lies, which then made him doubt me more, which then made me lie more for him to believe I was the person I wasn't.

Pretty fucked up right?

If I hadn't been seeking his approval to begin with, I could've saved us both a lot of pain.

And it doesn't matter if we're talking lovers, friends, parents or colleagues. I understand that sometimes it gives you satisfaction to have someone liking you. Or being proud of you. But that feeling is temporary and soon enough you'll be searching for your next fix. Instead of looking for approval in others, look for value instead. Value means more than approval. When you're valued, you're appreciated as you are.

Back in college I picked subjects that I hated to make my mum happy. If I wasn't going to be a doctor, I would've ended up becoming a broke stripper that smoked crack for breakfast. That's probably what she thought anyway. But I ended up bunking most lessons and had siesta's during my exams. I wasted a year of my life trying to make my mum happy. And in the end she only ended up more disappointed.

You see where I'm going with this?

After that year I gave myself a break and went to London School of Beauty Therapy. I had no intentions of becoming a beauty therapist but I had fun. My mum nearly had a heart attack but she got over it.

Last week I had an interview at Queen Mary to get into Dental Therapy and Hygiene. Oldest medical school in England and Wales. Ranked 1st. More than 600 people applied and they only invited 70 for the interview. Little old me was one of them.

Didn't turn out to be a stripper after all. Or a pauper. Crack for breakfast though..

That was a joke.

The more you force something, the more it has a negative effect. It's like forcing like poles of two magnets together and trying to make it stick. The harder you try, the more it repels. I learnt that the hard way. Don't try and be someone's archetype. Be you. You'll turn out better for it. I'll never make that mistake again. Because I'm pretty fucking fantastic just the way I am. If you don't like it, you know where the door is. Here, I'll even hold it open for you.

Don't trip on your way out.

The Ball Is In Your Court

How would you feel today if you woke up next to someone who brought you joy? Someone you find peace in. Someone who makes you smile the very second you open your eyes. Someone whose existence lightens up your day and puts a fire in your belly. To make you want to do more. To be more. What would you do if you woke up today, feeling that way?

Would you do a big stretch and yawn and smile at the rising sun? Would you sing in the shower as you get ready for work? Smile at a stranger and say good morning, just because? If you were in love today, would you fall to your knees and thank God to see another day? Would you count your blessings and be grateful for come what may?

What would you say if I told you, you could feel this way. That you could be in love without the need of someone else. What would you say if I told you, if you want to be in love then you can be in love. That you could fall in love with the way the wind blows through your hair. Fall in love with the trees, the moon and the sun. Fall in love with the earth below your feet. Fall in love with every breathe you take. Fall in love with cancelled plans, with binge watching shows on Netflix, with sheer boredom. Fall in love with a stranger in the queue at the grocery store. 

If you want to be in love but wake up on your own, don’t fret. Because you can feel those things and be in love by yourself, with yourself. All the things you would do for them, do for you. 

If you don’t know where to start, start by smiling at people walking by. Start by greeting strangers with a warm ‘hi'. Start by seeing the beauty in everything. Start by paying more attention to things that make your heart sing. Plan a spontaneous holiday, go on an adventure, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, stuff your face with cake, go on a solo coffee date. 

Start by falling in love with the little things. The small details. The commute to work. The short tea breaks. Start by falling in love with the weekdays as well as the weekends. Stop wishing your life away, wishing for the next day you have time off, wishing for your next holiday. Fall in love with now, with this very moment, with today.

So if you want to be in love, be in love. Life really is too short. Maybe being in love isn't about anyone else at all. The ball is in your court. 

I Saw A Fortune Teller

I need to tell you guys the backstory on why I even went to a fortune teller. I've never believed in them, I thought they always said generic things that people can normally relate to. Or things that will happen in the future that could happen to anyone. Like, oh you will get pregnant in the next ten years. Cheers oh great woman of the future. I would have never guessed.

So do I believe in them now? Not quite. I'm not sure. But this lady definitely creeped me out.

A few months ago, my stepmum went to this fortune teller. She told her that her daughter will do well in school and get good grades. Go to uni, get a good job and be successful. You know, generic things. But then she looked down at my stepmum's stomach.

'There's something wrong below your stomach', she said.
'No there's nothing wrong.'
'Something is wrong and it will give you problems in the future.'

So my stepmum got paranoid. She went to her GP and lied that she had pain in her stomach so they would refer her to get x-rays. They went back and fourth for a few weeks until the doctor finally authorised a referral. She went for an x-ray and they saw there was something covering half her womb and ovaries. They couldn't figure out what it was, so they sent her for an MRI scan. The scan showed that there was something there, around ten centimeters long, but they still didn't know for sure what it was. It could be a huge cyst, or it could be something cancerous. All they knew was that it had to come out.

She now has an appointment for a hysterectomy to remove her entire uterus and also to remove her ovaries.

This thing had been growing for years and she had no idea. How crazy?

So hearing that, I wanted to go too. Just you know, out of curiosity. My stepmum called her up and arranged it.

It was done at her house. She took me to a private room, lit incense sticks and candles. Super creepy shit. She made me drink a thick coffee and told me to leave some of it at the bottom of the teacup. Then she laid out tarot cards. Here's what she told me..

You're completely changing as a person. This year is going to be amazing for you, a lot of changes are going to take place and it's going to open a lot of doors for you. Something big is going to happen soon, something that requires documents. I know you're nervous for it but you shouldn't be. You may or may not get the answer you want but don't worry, cause even if you don't get a 'yes' there's going to be new opportunities that will come to you. 

Okay, she was right. So far this year really has been amazing for me. I have an interview soon for something. Something huge that I've been waiting for a long time. She started off spooky but it gets worse..

I'm seeing someone by the name of... Hamid.

Bruh. That's my housemate. I swear my jaw dropped.

He's very close to you and he loves you like a big brother. He really cares about you. He has some friends but he is lonely. He doesn't have any of his family close to him and he misses them. Something is going to happen and either he will move out, or you will move out. 

How did she know this?!

You don't sleep well. There's always something on your mind. It's like you always feel anxious about something. You try to plan things in your head, thing's about the future. You also think too much about the past. Try and clear your head before you go to sleep. You keep thinking about where you want to be in life. You want to do big things but you're lazy, you need someone to keep pushing you. Stop being like this. 

Erm, has this woman been spying on me?

Your mum is a strong woman. You look up to her a lot, she's your role model. I want you to know that she thinks about you everyday. 

I wanted to cry at this point.

You have two people in love with you. You're not sure about one of them, but the other one will bring you happiness. You two are going to live a long life together. 

Wrong. Probably more than two people. None of them will bring me happiness. Sorry.

Someone is going to be pregnant soon, a close friend or relative. It's going to bring a lot of joy in your life.

I don't believe this one either, but you never know I guess.

You loved someone a lot in the past, but he hurt you and broke your heart. You're scared to trust anyone else. You need to stop worrying about who else is going to hurt you. Don't worry, a good man is coming.

A lot of people can relate to this one too so whatever, next.

You have a friend that's close to you but doesn't want what's best for you. Stop telling everyone your secrets. Some of the people around you are jealous of you. 

She started off well but it just went downhill from there. My friends are amazing and no one is jealous of me. She said a few more generic things that I won't get into mostly because I've forgotten them. But yeah, that was spooky. The fact that she actually named my housemate was crazy. Are these people witches? How the hell did she know that?

I'm still not sure whether I believe in fortune tellers or not. But real or not, this lady was good at what she did. Maybe she's gifted. Maybe she has some sort of sixth sense. Who knows..

If you're reading this, wish me luck for my interview please. Luck, prayers, voodoo, anything. I need all the help I can get.

Thank you!

First Night In Prague

I was sharing the room with two South Korean girls, who were friends, and a Chinese girl who was travelling on her own. They were all lovely. I thought I would feel a bit strange sharing a room with girls I didn't know but it was fine to be honest. No awkward silences, no need for forced conversation. I felt comfortable.

I sat in bed wondering if I should go out and brace the cold. The temperature at night went down to minus ten. I only had two nights in Prague so I didn't really want to waste any time. I took out my phone and searched for the best cocktail bars. Cause if you know me, you know I love a good cocktail.

I got my mirror and started applying lip-liner, and realised that the Chinese girl, her name was Hebe, kept glancing over at me.

'Where are you going?'
'Just going to go sit at a bar'
'Oh.. Okay..'

She started fidgeting, as if she wanted to ask something but couldn't quite get her words out.

'You wanna come?'

Her face lit up. A smile spread across her face. She was a petite girl with small features. I thought she couldn't be any older than 22. She spoke in broken English with a strong Chinese accent. I wasn't really in the mood to have any company or to make conversation, but she looked really bored and was eating sliced bread on its own. Just plain bread, with nothing on it. She needed saving.



She jumped up and quickly put her jacket on, still grinning. We left and walked to Bugsy's Bar. The place had really good reviews online and the cocktails looked top-notch. I fancied something with Tequila so I ordered Bugsy's Design Margarita. Hebe stared at the menu, flicking through the pages but it seemed like she didn't know what she was looking at.

'You need any help?'
'Yeah, erm, I don't know what to get.'
'Okay, what kind of spirits do you like? Then we can go from there.'
'Spirits?', she sounded confused.
'Yeah, you know like what kind of alcohol? Do you like whiskey, brandy, vodka, tequila?'
'Umm... I don't know'

Okay, so maybe she's not much of a drinker. I tried again.

'Alright so how do you want your drink to taste? Would you prefer it to be sweet, sour or bitter?
'I like sweet'. Now we're getting somewhere.
'Okay would you like your drink to be strong? Or don't you want to taste the alcohol?'
'No I don't want strong.'

I called the barman over and told him that she wants a sweet cocktail and doesn't want it to be too strong, and to make her something special.

When she got the drink she got so excited she spilt a quarter of it over herself.



'I'll be honest with you, I've never been to a bar before'.
Oh god, I've just given alcohol to a minor. The bouncer outside didn't ask for ID. Well done Ads.
'What? How old are you?'
'Nearly thirty.'
'And you've never been to a bar?'
'No, it's not very popular in China. Not with my friends anyway'.
'Well, how do you like it? Do you like your drink?'
'Yes, it's very nice'. Every time she took a sip of it, she gave me a big smile. It made me really happy to see her enjoying herself so much.

She was a cutie. She told me about her life, and how she travels alone because all her friends have kids. She was travelling to a couple cities around Europe and tonight was her last night in Prague.

'Tonight has been really special, you're so kind. I'll always remember you', she said as we were finishing off our drinks.

My heart melted. Before we came to the bar, I reluctantly asked her if she wanted to come. I only asked her because she looked so bored on her own and I felt bad. But seeing her beaming face made my night. I do believe that some people are just meant to cross paths. We were meant to meet that night. Maybe I got sent to her for a bar experience, but she got sent to me for something much more heart warming. Showing kindness to strangers is good for the soul, it made me feel like I had a purpose that night. It was one of the highlights of my trip and I have her to thank for that.



When we walked out she burst into giggles. She put her hand to her chest.

'My heart is beating so fast!'

I laughed and thanked the alcohol Gods that we only had one drink, otherwise I probably would have had to carry her back.

First Day In Prague

I woke up at 5:30am, got ready and headed to the airport. My initial plan was to travel on a budget and get public transport to the airport. But honestly, I don't know who I was trying to kid. I knew I would've woken up and ended up getting an Uber, so I just paid for airport parking online. Technically, you could say I saved money by not getting a cab. Yay me.

To make up for things, from Prague airport I got a bus and then train to the city centre. I just googled which bus and train to take and it was pretty straight forward. This is the website I used to help me. It cost me less than £2. Cheap as chips mate.



I stayed at Hostel Franz Kafka. I wanted the real travelling experience but the thought of sharing a room with men gave me anxiety. I'm not sure if all hostels have this option, I've never stayed in one before, but you could choose if you want to stay in a mixed room or an all girls room. So instead of throwing myself in the deep end, I booked the all girls room.

I was really surprised when I got there. I was expecting a rundown building with drug dealers hanging around outside. I walked past the hostel so many times cause the building just looked like an apartment. And maybe part of it was, cause only floors three to five were part of Hostel Franz Kafka.

The hostel was super clean. The location was perfect, nearly everything was walking distance. I really can't fault the place. It changed my view on hostels, they're not all grimy and smelly just cause they're cheap. If you're going to Prague, I'd definitely recommend this place.



I went to my room, put my backpack in a locker then left to get something to eat. I had a few restaurants written down on my notes that I wanted to go to, first on my list was Lokál Dlouhááá. I wanted to try traditional Czech food, and reviews told me that this was the best place for it. They're not about grand decors and neat presentation. They wack the food on the plate and serve it up, just the way your mum does. No shade.

The layout was kind of weird. It was just a super long restaurant with tables on each side.

I got the 6 weeks ripened fried cheese with tarter sauce for starter. I didn't realise the cheese was 150g. The waiter pointed it out and was like 'you know that is a main meal right?'. So he offered to half the cheese and charge me less. If it wasn't for the tartar sauce the cheese would've tasted a bit bland. The '6 weeks ripened' just made it sound fancy for no reason. It tasted like ordinary edam cheese to me. 

For my main I got the braised beef roasted in a creamy sauce with cranberry jam. The cranberry jam looked like mousse. Those white circle things are bread dumplings. I didn't really like it. I'm sorry to any Czech people reading. The sauce was a bit too sweet for me, I should've tried the goulash. That's actually what I originally went for but ended up getting this instead. If you like your food a bit on the sweet side I think you'd like this though!



Ermmm... What did I do next? I really should've bought a diary for this trip, my memory is so poor. Remember my last diary I posted on here? I threw it across my ex's floor the last time I saw him in Mozambique. God I'm so dramatic. That diary's floating around somewhere in Maputo right now. I should've wrote 'open at your own risk' in capital letters on the cover. I feel sorry for whoever reads it. It's probably like Jumanji, but instead of their life getting completely overrun by jungle wildlife and calamities, they fall in love within five minutes with the next person they see. Followed by tears and heartbreak, and a possible plane journey to another continent. Ending in disappointment. Ha, so fun. 

Okay sorry, off topic. Back to Prague.

Can we talk about the weather for a second? I thought I was going to die (see, dramatic). I've never felt cold like it. At some points I thought my toenails were going to drop off. My hands were so red and wrinkly they didn't look like they belonged to me. I had to take breaks every 15 minutes and sit at a cafe to warm up. The air stung my face. It was painful. The temperature dropped to minus eight at one point. 

Speaking of cafes, the coffee in Prague made me want to pack my shit and move there. It was incredible. I drank so many lattes, I was constantly bouncing off walls. 

Cute little place called Coffee Lovers 

I stayed at Coffee lovers for a few hours, reading my book, watching people walk by. I fell in love with Prague on the first night. The city was beautiful. I walked the streets with a smile on my face. Or maybe I thought I was smiling. I don't know. My face was numb and pretty stiff. But I was smiling on the inside and that's what counts.

Pizza Union

I'm a bit of a pizza snob. Or maybe just a food snob in general. Pizza Hut, Domino's and Pizza Express don't really do it for me anymore. I've wanted to go to Pizza Union for a while cause I've seen a few Instagram posts on it here and there. I think it's only been around in London for about two years, so you could say it's relatively new.

They don't have any waiters there. My boujee arse stood there for a couple minutes waiting to be seated, till I realised there was no one coming. You go up, order, pay, get one of those red vibrating buzzer thingies and then sit wherever you want to. When the buzzer goes off you go and collect your pizza. Simple tings.

Look at the prices please. I didn't take a picture of the salad prices cause who goes to a pizza place and orders a salad?

The place is dirt cheap. I'll be honest, looking at the prices I didn't think the pizza would be as good as it was.



It's Roman style thin, fire-baked in a huge domed stone oven. It was ready in about four minutes. I got the Calabria but swapped the nduja spicy sausage for pepperoni. Cause I'm a pussy.



I literally just ordered the dessert so I could take a picture of it. I managed one bite.



I cut it in the middle and expected the chocolate to ooze out so I could take an artistic picture. I failed. The dessert was a bit dead to be honest. The dough was too hard and there wasn't enough Nutella in it. I found out after that they did ice cream but if I ate anything else I would've struggled to walk home.

In my opinion, the pizza here doesn't beat the salami, rocket and parmesan pizza at Homeslice. That still holds the number one spot. But I'd give this place an eight out of ten. The pizza was really good.

(Now that I've started doing this, you guys are going to realise how much I go out to eat. Please don't judge me. I don't shit out all my money I promise.)

Valentine's Day At Hawksmoor

Pretttyyyyy

I like trying out new restaurants and I eat out quite a bit, so thought to blog about the places I go. Yes, I'm running out of things to talk about. I'm not much of a reviewer so I'll just stick some pictures in. If you like the look of it you can give the place a visit.

I got taken out to Hawksmoor for Valentine's Day and I really had high hopes for it. And to be honest, it was pretty average. My friend tells me my expectations for restaurants are really high and nothing is good enough, so my average actually means it's great. I don't know, you can go and see for yourself.

If you do go, I recommend getting their 'favourite cuts'. Proof is in the name really, but they only had 600 grams and up left and that's a bit too much for me. I wanted to try the Porterhouse steak but they'd run out so I got the Sirloin. I think that's where I went wrong?

I like my steak medium. No blood, please.

My date got the grass fed chicken and it was basically a flat chicken breast with crispy skin thrown over it. It looked crap. I didn't even ask to try some. He originally wanted to get the beef short-ribs but they'd run out of that too.



Sorry I don't mean to be a negative Nancy but who the fuck enjoys bone marrow?! Imagine gooey, oily, melt in your mouth fat. When my dad makes me lamb shank, I suck the bone marrow out of that and it's delicious so I thought it would be the same. It wasn't. Not even close.

The triple cooked chips were okay. Not as good as Flat Iron's cooked chips though.

Okay fine they were good. I need to stop comparing.

The macaroni cheese was nice though. Hurrah. I didn't even order that but I stole some off him. The waitress said there's blue cheese in it so I thought I wouldn't like it, but it wasn't overpowering at all. Just a slight hint.



The best part of the meal were the cocktails and the free salted caramel chocolates the waitress gave us at the end. The bartender by the way, was a cocktail God. He asked me what alcohol I liked and he made me something that wasn't on the menu. If you go there and you like Tequila, order a Grapefruit Picador. Even if you don't like grapefruit (cause I don't). Trust me on this. It was beautiful.

I'd say Hawksmoor has nothing on Gaucho. You can't beat Argentinian steak, in my opinion. The menu is much bigger, the restaurants are lush (I went to the one in Tower Bridge and the view was really nice) and the prices are around the same. Although Gaucho does have pricier options.

Maybe one day I'll go back to Hawksmoor and try one of their favourite cuts, but for now it's getting a 6 out of 10 from me.

And I know, I need to get better at taking pictures. I'm trying man. Gosh.

The Blame Game

When I was in primary school, one of the mums always picked me up with her daughter and took me back to hers till my mum finished work. My mum worked a nine to five so she wasn't able to make it. One time when I was around seven years old, my dad promised me he would pick me up from school. I was really excited, he had never picked me up before.

It was 3:15pm and it was time to go home. I stood in the playground looking for my dad. My mums friend came up to me and ushered me to go with her. 

I shook my head, "my dads picking me up today".

She tried to take my arm, insisting that I go with her because my mum hadn't mentioned anything about my dad coming. But I stood my ground and yanked my arm away, told her that I'm not going to go with her. My dad was definitely coming today.

I waited an hour in that school. He never turned up. In the end my mum had to leave work early and come to pick me up.

That wasn't the first time my dad let me down. Or the second. Or the third. I used to stay with him on weekends and every Monday I used to miss school because he couldn't be bothered to drop me off. Sometimes he used to get pissed drunk and drive at full speed, telling me to smile for the camera when the speed cameras flashed him. I used to close my eyes and pray that I made it home alive. Fast forward 16 years later when I had surgery, my dad didn't call me to check if I was okay, or if I needed anything. "It's not like you were having an open heart surgery" he said, when I asked him why he never called. 

When I was younger I never used to understand why my mum divorced him. He was perfect in my eyes. Because rejection breeds obsession, not that my dad rejected me but I didn't get the level of love I wanted. So I wanted it even more. I used to cry and beg for my mum to take him back, I thought she was heartless. But she stayed calm and stroked my hair, told me one day I would understand. 

And I do. 

You see, my father is a careless man. He's a liar. He has broken every promise he's ever made. He lives for today and never thinks about tomorrow. Instead of telling me he loves me, he throws money at me and tells me to buy myself something nice.

But regardless of his behaviour, I love my dad. He's a good man with a kind heart, and I know he loves me too. He just doesn't know how to show it. I blamed him for so much of my life, and I blamed him for some of the characteristics I picked up from him. But I never blamed him for being the one man that I could love. I never blamed him for being the greatest source of love that I know. 

When you blame people for things, have a think about all the things you blame them for, and blame them with much more power. Cause if you're going to blame people for all the shit and the bad that they've done, you better blame them for all the good too. If you're going to give them credit for everything that's fucked up, then you have to give them credit for everything that's great. 

I'm not asking you to stop blaming them. And if you blame me for things, I'm not asking you to stop blaming me. Blame me all you like. But blame me adequately, blame me wisely, blame me judiciously. Blame me with your heart and your soul, not just with your head. Give me all the credit, not just the credit you feel comfortable giving.

If my father had been the man I had wanted, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am now. Maybe I wouldn't have made the mistakes I made. Maybe I wouldn't have learnt the lessons I learned. Maybe I would've turned out completely different.

And you know what? It's lamentable imagining myself be someone other than who I am now. Because those mistakes sculpted me and those lessons helped me grow. From now on if you're going to blame someone, blame them for it all. You wouldn't be the person you are today without them.

So thanks Dad, I owe you one.

We've Synced Our Menstrual Cycle

And we're having a party!



Hey guys! Me and my friend are having an ovulation party this weekend, and you're invited. We have finally synced our menstrual cycle, without even trying! This truly shows how real our friendship is. If this isn't a cause for celebration then I don't know what is.

Due to this realisation of true friendship, we've had to kick everyone else out the group chat. They're obviously not true friends. Otherwise you know, our menstrual cycles would've synced by now. You girls are still invited to the party though, you just can't sit with us. I'm sorry, blame your female reproductive system.

When a female chimpanzee is in heat, her bottom swells up like a balloon and turns bright pink. The signs with us female humans are not so obvious. However, science does state that we become more alluring during our menstrual cycle and our body odour more attractive. This is great news for my friend since she has an offensive smell most of the time. Even greater news for me because I will be more enticing than ever. Feel free to give us compliments on our glowing skin and silky hair on the night.

On the menu this weekend we will have hard boiled eggs, soft boiled eggs, overdone scrambled eggs, runny scrambled eggs, just right scrambled eggs, sunny side up eggs, poached eggs, deviled eggs, baked eggs, and even our own eggs. For drinks we have eggnog and Pink Lady. You are forbidden to eat anything else other than eggs. If you're allergic to eggs or you simply don't like them, please do not turn up to our party. You have been uninvited. You're obviously against women empowerment and we don't need that kind of negativity.

Men are welcome to come to our menstrual party, but you're not allowed to touch us. You're here to give compliments and compliments only, keep your hands to yourself. Adulation every fifteen minutes is a must. There's a lot to admire: hair, skin, smell, nails. If you run out of things to say then you have proved to be an underachiever and a definite derelict. We've had enough disappointment with the male species, you will be asked to leave the party.

If you're a female and it is also your time of the month, please refrain from turning up. This is our party not yours. You will not steal our limelight. It's our time to shine!

See you guys there :)

Any Oneirocritic's Out There?

Me when I wake up in the mornings

I've been having dreams Google can't tell me the meaning of. Wondering if any of you can help me? Here's a few of them:

Pregnant Kylie Jenner
I had a dream I was pregnant Kylie Jenner and I was in hiding. I decided enough was enough and it was time to show my face, tell the world that I am indeed pregnant. I ended up going to a party and suddenly needing to give birth. So I popped out her/my baby. Right there. On the dance floor.

On The Run
My ex was on the run and I tagged along on some Bonnie and Clyde shit. I am a moron even in my dreams. He ended up robbing a bus and posing as a bus driver. Like, he fully stopped for passengers, took the correct route, all whilst keeping within the speed limit. Not sure why he did this, or where we were going, or why he was even on the run. I didn't ask questions. I was there pretending to be a ticket inspector, and also looking out for police. Lord give me strength. His face was all over the news so if this was Grand Theft Auto he definitely would've been on five stars.

But no one knew who he was. Do you know why? Cause he had a hat on. Cause apparently hats hide the identity of a person. A hat.

In the end, we ran off the bus and his stupid friend picked us up and took us to his house. Police found us there cause his number plate was all over the CCTV cameras. We got caught because of a number plate. Not because of my ex's actual face. That was on show. The whole time.

We both got thrown in jail. No happy ending. Sorry.


Google was no help.

Killing Spree
I went around killing motherfuckers. Real badass. Were they criminals? Was I the criminal? Did they deserve it? All questions I don't know the answer to.

I don't want to Google the meaning of this in case the government think I'm trying to join ISIS. I'm Iranian. Next thing you know, police are breaking down my door and it's me who's on the run. With no ride or die chick.

Someone Was Trying To Kill Me
I was running away from someone that wanted to kill me with a machete. Karma's a bitch. I don't know if I died in the end or not. Do you need to know the small details to give me the meaning of this?

I Decided To Not Have Any Carbs Or Sugar For A Month
This isn't a nightmare. This is actually happening. Help me.

Carbs is in everything. Sugar is in everything. I can't even eat a fucking banana. Not that I eat them much, but if I wanted to, I couldn't. Anyway, I'll write more on this at the end of February.

If my withdrawal symptoms haven't killed me by then.

I've Found My Happy

I can't quit my job and go travelling, not just yet anyway. But I also can't limit myself to just going away a few times a year. I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm suffocating.

I've decided I'm going to go away once a month this year. I know it sounds crazy but hear me out.

I don't mean take weeks off at a time, that won't be possible. But even a weekend trip away is something. It'll scratch this itch that I have. It'll give me something to look forward to every month. I need it.

How am I going to afford it? By saying no to nights out. By not pissing out my income. By not going out to eat (as much). By not online shopping everyday. Instead, I stay in on weekends. I drink green tea. I read books. Watch Netflix. If any of my friends want to come round then they are more than welcome. But a night out in Shoreditch? I'll skip that. Sure, I'll miss out on some fun but I'll have a new city waiting for me the following month. You bet your arse I'm going to every House festival this year though. Who even am I right now?

So I take the money I would've spent on these things and spend it on a flight ticket instead, whilst still being able to save quite a fair bit every month. Two birds, one stone. I don't intend on staying in grand hotels. I'm going to travel on my own so, to be honest, I would rather stay at hostels. 1) It costs next to nothing. You can stay at some hostels for a tenner a night and 2) it's easier to meet new people.

Destinations

February - Prague is booked.

March/April - Iran is booked for two weeks. I haven't been in ten years and I need to see my family. Hopefully travel and see some new cities there too. What better way to start than your own country? I can't wait. Although, I'm not sure how safe it is right now but it'll make it all the more exciting. Will I make it back? Will I get thrown into prison cause they think I'm a spy? Will my friends set up a petition to get me back? Oh the thrill of it all.



From May onwards nothing is set in stone so it may change. Skyscanner has this really cool option where you can set your destination to anywhere and select cheapest month. Even though I knew I definitely wanted to go to Prague in February, it still had the option of showing me how much it would cost me to fly on each day of the month. Give it a try. I got my ticket for just £60!

Anyway, this is the plan:

May - Budapest

June - Vienna

July - Marbella for my friends birthday, only for three days. Depending on how I feel, when they fly back I might take a coach to Gibraltar for a day then take a ferry to Morocco. That's three countries in one trip.

August - Toronto

September - Berlin

October/November - Kenya! After falling in love with Mozambique (which I plan to visit again in 2019) I promised myself I'd travel to somewhere in Africa every year.

December - San Jose to visit my mum for Christmas.

This is it. This is my plan. I'm going to make this year brilliant. I deserve it. I owe it to myself. 2017 was the best worst year of my life. I don't care if that doesn't make sense. It's what it was. This year we're taking 'worst' out the equation. I'm excited.

Find something that makes your heart sing. If it's maths, do math's as much as you can. Work out problems, find x, plot a complex number in an Argand diagram. If it's poems, read poems all the time. Read them out loud. Write them. Perform them at an Open Mic. Do something you love because it makes you happy. Not anyone else. You. Be selfish. If you have no one to do it with, do it on your own.

Find your happy. You owe it to yourself.

Choose Your Own Adventure

I've done my fair share of luxury travel. I've done the all inclusive resorts, the five star hotels. The nightlife, the VIP section of the club, the bottles of Dom Pérignon. And sure, I had fun. But that's all it was, a bit of fun. That doesn't stay with you. I don't have much to say about those trips, all I got from them was a few Instagramable pictures. Nothing ever went wrong. There was no excitement, no adrenaline rush. Everything was so perfect, and looking back, that's what makes them so dull.

I'll never forget that journey to Vilanculos. I'll never forget how rewarding it felt when I finally got there. I'll never forget that walk on the beach I took a few hours later. Tears streaming down my face, questioning every choice I've made in life, examining every aspect of my character. Blaming myself, hating myself, doubting myself. Now there's a fucking memory. Those are the moments that will stick with me forever.

And yeah, those moments sucked at the time. I had a broken heart and a million regrets. But boy did I have a story to tell. It was the best trip of my life. I learnt more about myself in those two and a half weeks more than I have my whole life. I'd pick a trip like that over ten perfect trips any day. Because when you feel like you've reached the edge of your mental and physical limits, that's when things start getting interesting. You'll come face to face with who you are in the absence of comfort. I don't regret it, not one bit.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be down in it every time you travel. You don't have to be miserable and in tears to discover new things about yourself. That was just my story. But if you do get lost in the middle of nowhere with no WiFi or end up in a sweltering hostel with a bed that feels like a brick, embrace it. You'll have a story to tell, and you've also taught yourself a new lesson. Like to download an offline map and to read reviews online before staying somewhere.

Take me for example. I got my phone stolen in a massive house rave in Maputo, few days before I was meant to fly back. I got ignored three times by the person I thought I could count on the most. My Airbnb host was in South Africa, so I couldn't ask her for help. There was no clock at the apartment and I didn't have a watch, so I had no idea what the time was in the day. The guard downstairs didn't speak a word of english, and all I could manage was 'tudo bem' and 'sal e limão'. Because of course the most important thing to learn in a foreign country is salt and lemon. How else would you order a tequila? No phone meant no map, no taxi, no alarm to wake me up in time for my flight, and no easing my mums worries by messaging her every hour of the day to tell her I'm alive and well and haven't been raped by a gang of Mozambicans.

In the end? A friend I made there lent me her sisters phone for a couple days. I was fine. Everything was fine.

The best part of it all? It shined a light on the kindness of strangers. By being vulnerable I saw the compassion in others. Like the time I was lost and had no idea where the buses that went to Vilanculos were. Again, I was rescued by a generous and warm hearted stranger. He walked with me for over thirty minutes. I will never forget him. Regular reminders of why you should have faith in humanity sure is good for the soul.

Try and willingly put yourself in situations where you have no idea how you're going to respond. Travel solo. Take chances. Go do something you've always wanted. Something you're passionate about. Even if it's hard. Even if you're scared. Because in the end things will turn out just fine. And you'll be glad you did it.

So you can keep your cabana beds, your hours of sunbathing under the blazing sun and your room service. I've been there, done that. I want the adrenaline rush, I want the danger, I want not knowing what's next. I've got a lot planned for this year. Just for me, no one else. I'm choosing my own adventure.

Table for one please. 

Promise Me One Thing

How do you know when you love someone? Does it hit you like a bag of bricks? An arrow? Or is it a choice? Do you take into account their attributes and decide that you love them?

For me, I'm not quite sure how it happened. To be honest, the whole thing was such a whirlwind of emotions that I can't even tell you how it started. I feel like I just woke up one day and got slapped in the face with it. I didn't get to sit down, weigh up the pro's and con's and use my discretion to make a decision. In fact, I didn't use my head at all. I closed my eyes and jumped. Free falling without a parachute. 

Love should be a choice. And that choice should be based on many factors: goals in life, character, principles, humour, chemistry, intelligence, logic, looks, and so on. The weight of each factor fluctuates depending on the individual. Some may value intelligence more than looks, and some might not even care if their partner has an IQ of room temperature. It all depends on the person. Taking all these factors into consideration, you can then decide. Do you start to love this person or not?

And it's no good just looking at the other person. Are you ready yourself? Are you willing to put some of your wants aside? To compromise? I'm not sure whether to believe in the whole right person, wrong time thing. You could argue that if they were the right person then you would make sure it's the right time. That you would do everything in your power to make the relationship work. But life isn't as easy as that. Sometimes you're not in the right head space. Sometimes you're just simply not ready.

You could call me selfish for the way I acted. I wanted to keep him as close as I could, but at the same time deep down, I knew a relationship wasn't what I wanted. I knew I wanted him, I just didn't want the rest of the baggage that came with a relationship. I know he wasn't ready either, even though he would tell you he was. I think we were both so bamboozled by the sexual attraction that every other factor went out the window. He would tell me that I'm the most attractive girl he'd ever met, and I think that was all it was. Come to think of it, I don't think he loved anything else about me. I was a wild child, while he was quite reserved. I was a chatty patty in big groups, him not so much. I'm quite easygoing and carefree, meanwhile he was picky and placed importance on such small things. I get attention when I go out, and I think he would've been more comfortable with a girl that blends in the background. There's many reasons why we didn't work out, but it simply comes down to one thing.

We just wasn't meant to be.

Relationships are like.... let's say horse riding. You jump up and start to ride. It could be a smooth ride, or the horse could go ballistic and start rearing, putting you in a difficult position. The arguments, the disagreements, the fights, the little things that start annoying you. You start wondering if you made the right choice. You then have to come to a decision. Do you hold on for dear life, or do you let go and fall? You might decide that you want to cling on and hope that the horse calms down. You try and persevere and in the end you manage to stay on the horse. You might realise that the ride was worth it. Or you might opt to let go and fall. The fall might make you stronger, or it might make you injured and miserable. You may not trust horses for a while but sooner or later, you'll be back at the stables ready to ride again. It could be another bumpy ride, or this time it could be just a few hurdles. Either way, another choice. Hold on or fall?

Sometimes it is easy to love, and sometimes it is difficult. Love is on one end whilst hate is on the other, and the pendulum oscillates between the two points. One day you choose to love them, the next day you could choose to hate them. But ultimately, it is always a choice. We fall in and out of love in relationships all the time. People that have been together for many years didn't spend everyday of those years madly in love with each other. The reason why some relationships don't last is because some people think if they're not crazy for each other then they shouldn't be together. Your feelings vary depending on the relationship, but also how happy you are in your own life.

And yes, sometimes there is a drift. A drift so far that there's no coming back. Sometimes the pendulum can stop swinging back and forth, until you feel nothing for the person. Until you don't know who you are anymore. Until you don't even like yourself anymore. Then you make the choice. You fall.

So make the decision. Do you choose to love them? Yes or no? It's your choice. If you choose to love them, love with all your might, with everything you've got. Love them until you feel like you're going to burst. If you choose no, promise me one thing.

Let the fall make you stronger.

Six Sexual Positions For The Incompetent

He asks you to get on top? You go to a spinning class once in a while but come on, you're no olympian. Tell the boy you signed up for sex, not Virgin Active. What is he trying to call you fat or something? That you need to burn more calories? Okay, listen up. Now is your chance to cry, but not too much. You don't want to ruin the mood completely. Make him feel bad. He'll get on top and won't ask for another few weeks.

1) Doggy

Look, I know you're meant to arch your back so far that your lumbar vertebrae is on the brink of snapping. But lets face it, you are not a porn star. You've got work tomorrow and can't afford to have any injuries. Pretend you've lost something under the sofa and you're trying to dig it out. That'll do.

2) Play Dead

Who said you don't get his adrenaline going? Once he starts thinking that you're actually dead, open your eyes and tell him it's role play. Duh. Now you can stay in whatever position you're in. Pros: You don't need to move, hurrah! Cons: If he's okay with this you might want to rethink about seeing him again.

3) BDSM Artifice
Get him to tie up your limbs. Whoops! You can't possibly contribute, even if you wanted to. You're welcome. Pros: He now thinks you're kinky. Cons: He now thinks you're kinky.

4) Pooping In The Woods
You give in and it's time to get on top. Alright, just pretend you're pooping in the woods. Or like the time you got drunk and pee'd in an alleyway, and wiggled to get the last drops of pee off your vajayjay. Ta daaaa!

5) Starfish 
Lay there like a starfish, you can start on your back then turn over and lay on your stomach. If he asks what you're doing, tell him that you're a starfish floating to the shore. If he says starfish don't flip over tell him to use his fucking imagination. The waves are violent. Who says you don't change it up?

6) That sideways one
It's like you're spooning but with added fork. Since you're hands-free for this, you can eat that last cheese toastie you were saving for later while he plows away.


Disclaimer: These methods have not been tried and tested (or maybe they have and had no pay-off). I take no responsibility if your boyfriend/husband/play thing leaves you. Did your mother not tell you to not take advice from a single girl?!

Eight Wishes

My mum was sneaky with this picture

The temperature outside was -6 degrees but I couldn't feel the cold in the hot tub. The water was piping, but because of the freezing weather it felt perfect against my skin. We went to Lake Tahoe and stayed at The Ridge for a few days while I was in America. It was beautiful.

I saw eight shooting stars that night. Magical. I made eight wishes and I wished for the same thing again and again. Eight times. It's gotta come true, right?

The sky was starlit. There must've been a thousand stars up there, millions of miles way. And for all I knew, some of them could've been dead. I saw their light, it's just that the light I saw was from the past. Their light keeps lingering in those spaces which you think have been emptied. But they haven't, and they can never be filled by another star. I sat there staring at the tranquil sky for what seemed like an hour, it was probably two (I had a stiff neck after). I felt peace. I hadn't felt that in a while. For a moment I felt like everything around me had stopped. I couldn't even hear anyone talking. It was just me, the sky, and these shooting stars.

Have you ever been stargazing? It soothed my heart. It somehow alleviated my problems. We put such importance on everything that's going wrong, but in those breathtaking moments when I saw the little chunks of rock glow and burn into nothing, all my worries felt inconsequential. Suddenly there was a dance that existed between my head, my heart and my soul. I found out what my song sounds like, even off key.

Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)

How To Be A Perfect Hot Mess In 3 Steps

It's 4:13am. I can't sleep.



Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.

I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...

*Drum roll please*

THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.

The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.

Step one: Get it out in the open.

Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:

I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.

Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.

Step two: Feel alive.

Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.

Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.

Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.

Merry Christmas x

Bumble & Fish

I became besties with our neighbours horse 

I'm back, sad times. It's bloody cold and jet lag is being a bitch. By the time I get sleepy it's going to be time to get up for work. I can't sleep so I might as well start planning my next trip, I can't stay here for too long. This year I did three countries, next year I'm aiming for four. Let's see how it goes. Anyway..

I don't have many friends in San Jose, so while I was there I thought to join Bumble. For those of you who don't know, Bumble started off as a dating app, but then added a 'friends' and 'networking' feature too (I think.. Or maybe it started off with all three features. I don't know I'm not an expert maybe I should've googled it before writing this but it's too late now). I looked at the friends section first but I felt kind of weird swiping right for girls. What would you even say? What do you swipe right based on? 'Hey you're really pretty, let's be friends?' Yeah, I felt like a creep.

I went onto the dating side. I swiped left for every single guy (minus one that looked like something out of a movie but I didn't meet up with him because I don't have an excuse I've got issues) so it was kinda pointless but as I was doing that, I noticed something. These guys loved posing with fish. Most guys take pictures with cute dogs and that I understand. I think that's pretty smart, girls love cute dogs. Maybe they'll even forget about his not so attractive face for a second and swipe right just for the dog. But fish? Was this the norm out here? Do fish excite these American girls? Do they have some sort of fetish for fishermen? Is it to say 'hey look I can provide for our family I can catch fish now come get this dick' ?!?

I don't know what the obsession was, but I found it fucking hilarious. So I made it my mission to find as many pictures as I could with men posing with fish. I only stopped cause I got bored and deleted my account, I reckon I could've found hundreds if I carried on. Every other guy had a fish in their hand.

Here's Bryce and Matthew looking very happy with their fish. Chad looks a bit surprised as if he doesn't know how that fish got there.

These three are showing off their kissing abilities. A bit too wide there, Kyle. And is your whole tongue out Michael? Have some flaming decorum. Jeez.

Taylor was out to impress with a double whammy. If that wasn't enough, he even posted a second pic. This ones a keeper girls. Alex however, will slit your throat if you misbehave, just like how he did with that fish. No but why does he look so happy this is ridiculous lolol

Zack is making a point here. He can catch loads of fish. Real big ones. Maybe the bigger the fish the bigger the penis. I don't know I'm just throwing ideas out there. Either way, he's a show off. No one likes a show off, Zack.

Matt and Greg are really thinking outside the box. 'Fish? Meh, everyone can catch fish. We've caught crabs'. They could also be letting you know they have an STI. I would stay away from Matt and Greg, just in case.

Matthew catches sharks. And turtles. Matthew is basically a psycho serial killer. Report Matthew. 

If any of you guys that have been posted on here come across this blog, please don't sue me. Well you can, I don't have much money anyway.