The Blame Game

When I was in primary school, one of the mums always picked me up with her daughter and took me back to hers till my mum finished work. My mum worked a nine to five so she wasn't able to make it. One time when I was around seven years old, my dad promised me he would pick me up from school. I was really excited, he had never picked me up before.

It was 3:15pm and it was time to go home. I stood in the playground looking for my dad. My mums friend came up to me and ushered me to go with her. 

I shook my head, "my dads picking me up today".

She tried to take my arm, insisting that I go with her because my mum hadn't mentioned anything about my dad coming. But I stood my ground and yanked my arm away, told her that I'm not going to go with her. My dad was definitely coming today.

I waited an hour in that school. He never turned up. In the end my mum had to leave work early and come to pick me up.

That wasn't the first time my dad let me down. Or the second. Or the third. I used to stay with him on weekends and every Monday I used to miss school because he couldn't be bothered to drop me off. Sometimes he used to get pissed drunk and drive at full speed, telling me to smile for the camera when the speed cameras flashed him. I used to close my eyes and pray that I made it home alive. Fast forward 16 years later when I had surgery, my dad didn't call me to check if I was okay, or if I needed anything. "It's not like you were having an open heart surgery" he said, when I asked him why he never called. 

When I was younger I never used to understand why my mum divorced him. He was perfect in my eyes. Because rejection breeds obsession, not that my dad rejected me but I didn't get the level of love I wanted. So I wanted it even more. I used to cry and beg for my mum to take him back, I thought she was heartless. But she stayed calm and stroked my hair, told me one day I would understand. 

And I do. 

You see, my father is a careless man. He's a liar. He has broken every promise he's ever made. He lives for today and never thinks about tomorrow. Instead of telling me he loves me, he throws money at me and tells me to buy myself something nice.

But regardless of his behaviour, I love my dad. He's a good man with a kind heart, and I know he loves me too. He just doesn't know how to show it. I blamed him for so much of my life, and I blamed him for some of the characteristics I picked up from him. But I never blamed him for being the one man that I could love. I never blamed him for being the greatest source of love that I know. 

When you blame people for things, have a think about all the things you blame them for, and blame them with much more power. Cause if you're going to blame people for all the shit and the bad that they've done, you better blame them for all the good too. If you're going to give them credit for everything that's fucked up, then you have to give them credit for everything that's great. 

I'm not asking you to stop blaming them. And if you blame me for things, I'm not asking you to stop blaming me. Blame me all you like. But blame me adequately, blame me wisely, blame me judiciously. Blame me with your heart and your soul, not just with your head. Give me all the credit, not just the credit you feel comfortable giving.

If my father had been the man I had wanted, maybe I wouldn't be the person I am now. Maybe I wouldn't have made the mistakes I made. Maybe I wouldn't have learnt the lessons I learned. Maybe I would've turned out completely different.

And you know what? It's lamentable imagining myself be someone other than who I am now. Because those mistakes sculpted me and those lessons helped me grow. From now on if you're going to blame someone, blame them for it all. You wouldn't be the person you are today without them.

So thanks Dad, I owe you one.