Cocktails With Adiné

Deck the halls with Jack and voddy fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la-la.

Tis the season to get shit faced fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la.

Did you have a nice Christmas? Are you ready for New Year's Eve? I drank for three days straight and my liver is crying. Do you know what I say? Shut the fuck up liver you pussy ass bitch, get ready for New Year's Eve and also New Year's Day because apparently it's normal to go to a house rave when I've got work the next day.

Today I got a few cocktail recipes for you. Don't say I don't bring you on nothin'.

The Pre-Drink Punch

Ingredients: 

• Wray & Nephew
• Fizzy drink of your choice, preferably a Tesco Value one.
• No money

Directions: Mix five parts Wray & Nephew with one part fizzy drink. Remember you have no money and your aim is to drink as much as you can so you don't need to buy drinks at the bar. Upon arrival, the bouncer refuses you entry because you are too drunk. Your night is ruined and you wake up with alcohol poisoning. 

OMG What Are You Doing?

Ingredients: 

• A friend that has recently filed for divorce or has just broken up with her boyfriend.
• Drug paraphernalia 

Directions: Suggest to take your friend out because she is heartbroken. Party hard with her and show her a good time. Without warning your friend takes out drug paraphernalia and starts to add a shot of cough syrup to every drink/ roll up a spliff/ cut up coke with her credit card/ dip her cigarettes into ket/ tourniquet her arm while injecting herself with heroin/ swallow an MDMA rock, simultaneously singing popped a molly I'm sweatin'. You're horror-struck but blame it on the fuck boy that broke her heart. If you want to add a shot of your participation, this cocktail turns into 'OMG What Are We Doing?'. Warning: This doubles crime charges if you get caught and there is no responsible adult to take you home which could maybe result in death.

Dude Where's My Car?

Ingredients:

• Your car
• A dude
• Triple shot Courvoisier
• A hint of apple juice

Directions: Drive to designated bar of your choice because Uber's security is shit and someone has hacked your bank details. Mix three shots of Courvoisier with about two drops of apple juice. Drink until eyesight is blurry and memory is impaired. Go outside to look for your car. After a failed attempt, ask a dude 'Dude Where's My Car?'. At this point you're so drunk that your words are slurred, dude doesn't understand you, and so you wake up on the sidewalk with your snot formed into icicles. 

Parvenu Sunrise

Ingredients: 

• A snobby cow (that's you)
• Cheap red wine
• A fur coat

Directions: Drink red wine whilst everyone else is drinking cocktails. Don't forget to occasionally swirl the wine in your glass, and raise your pinky finger every time you take a sip. Otherwise it doesn't count. If anyone approaches you, act completely oblivious to their existence. I'm sorry, did someone say something?

Confiscation and Tonic

Ingredients:

• A phone
• A good friend
• Gin
• Tonic

Directions: Mix gin with tonic. Drink a lot of it. A lot. Try to Text/ Snap/ WhatsApp/ Email/ Facebook your ex. A good friend confiscates your phone and throws it off a bridge. She spends the rest of the night holding your hair up while you become best friends with the toilet. 

Credit Card Money Long Island

Ingredients:

• Triple sec
• Vodka
• Tequila
• Gin
• Rum
• Splash of Cola
• Credit card with an unlimited spending limit, make sure it's one that gives you air miles.

Directions: Have one too many Long Island Iced Tea's. Leave your card with the bartender and tell him the whole nights on you, open bar for everyone. You wake up the next day dumbstruck. You're broke and can never pay this off even if you became a part time stripper, but you now have enough air miles to flee the country. Pros: new life in Mexico. Cons: you can never return.

Well, I hope that these recipes end your year with a bang. Give 2017 the send off it deserves!

Happy New Year :)

How To Be A Perfect Hot Mess In 3 Steps

It's 4:13am. I can't sleep.



Hey you! How are you? Life not going too well? Feeling like you take three steps forward and a million steps back? You got frustrated and kicked something hard and now you've stubbed your toe and have subungual hematoma? You lost your shit for a second and shaved your head thinking you would look like Amber Rose but now you're here looking like Britney in 2007? Or are you thinking to do a whiskey enema because you feel that it might numb you from the inside? Now your arse is burning. Oh Patrick what have you done.

I'm here to tell you that it is okay. And there is a solution to all this. The solution is...

*Drum roll please*

THERE IS NO SOLUTION. BITCH.

The bitch was added for extra effect I'm sorry I didn't mean it.

There is no solution so fuck it. You're wasting your time trying to fix yourself. You don't need fixing. This is your fucking life and yes it might be fucking shitty right now and I know you didn't ask to be here, your dad was selfish for not wanting to wrap his willy, but you're here now so fucking enjoy it. Grab life by the horn, put your feet in the stirrups and ride that bad boy. Yes you are riding a unicorn. Yee-haw motherfucker.

Step one: Get it out in the open.

Shout that shit. Scream if it makes you feel better. Here's a list of all my issues:

I like my job but I don't love it sometimes I get tired of looking at teeth and sometimes it fascinates me my course is the most impossible course to get into and sometimes I wonder why I even chose this subject but then I remember that I love looking at teeth but sometimes I get tired of looking at them yes I know it's confusing that's why it's my issue I hate that we have to pay so much tax what the hell I've worked hard for this money I'm torn between saving up for a mortgage or taking the money I've saved so far and taking a year out to go travelling I miss my ex but if I ever see him I might stab his eye with a fork Trump is the president of the United States the world is losing its shit oh my god we might all die soon why is petrol so expensive my car still has a dent in it I can't do any pull ups everyone stares at me in the gym no I don't want your number I want these gains sometimes I count crying as cardio because who needs water weight my dog is going blind in one eye I haven't watched Eastenders for nearly a year so now I won't know whats going on in the Christmas special is there any point in watching it probably not this yearly tradition has come to an end I should really try and sleep right now it's getting pretty late my mum lives on the other side of the world and sometimes I just want to hug her but I can't my boiler keeps breaking and my landlord is fucking useless.

Aaaaaand breaaathe. Now it's out of your system, for a moment. Do you feel better? I hope you didn't shout your issues in front of people because the last thing we need right now is you getting thrown into a mental asylum.

Step two: Feel alive.

Go out. Feel the wind against your face, the earth below your feet. Take in deep breaths. Appreciate life. Realise that you might wake up one day and not make it to the next. Life is precious. When it all gets too much remember that you are a tiny speck on a floating rock and in the grand scheme of things your problems are next to nothing, one day you will be dust so enjoy this while you can. It's no fun being a curmudgeon. Soon you'll be 70 with dentures wishing you did things different.

Step Three: Recognise that these are lessons and your struggle is really your helping hand.

Because it's making you into a better person. You might not know it yet, but it is. So you might as well embrace the mess that you are my darling and realise that the better days are coming. The best ones.

Merry Christmas x

Bumble & Fish

I became besties with our neighbours horse 

I'm back, sad times. It's bloody cold and jet lag is being a bitch. By the time I get sleepy it's going to be time to get up for work. I can't sleep so I might as well start planning my next trip, I can't stay here for too long. This year I did three countries, next year I'm aiming for four. Let's see how it goes. Anyway..

I don't have many friends in San Jose, so while I was there I thought to join Bumble. For those of you who don't know, Bumble started off as a dating app, but then added a 'friends' and 'networking' feature too (I think.. Or maybe it started off with all three features. I don't know I'm not an expert maybe I should've googled it before writing this but it's too late now). I looked at the friends section first but I felt kind of weird swiping right for girls. What would you even say? What do you swipe right based on? 'Hey you're really pretty, let's be friends?' Yeah, I felt like a creep.

I went onto the dating side. I swiped left for every single guy (minus one that looked like something out of a movie but I didn't meet up with him because I don't have an excuse I've got issues) so it was kinda pointless but as I was doing that, I noticed something. These guys loved posing with fish. Most guys take pictures with cute dogs and that I understand. I think that's pretty smart, girls love cute dogs. Maybe they'll even forget about his not so attractive face for a second and swipe right just for the dog. But fish? Was this the norm out here? Do fish excite these American girls? Do they have some sort of fetish for fishermen? Is it to say 'hey look I can provide for our family I can catch fish now come get this dick' ?!?

I don't know what the obsession was, but I found it fucking hilarious. So I made it my mission to find as many pictures as I could with men posing with fish. I only stopped cause I got bored and deleted my account, I reckon I could've found hundreds if I carried on. Every other guy had a fish in their hand.

Here's Bryce and Matthew looking very happy with their fish. Chad looks a bit surprised as if he doesn't know how that fish got there.

These three are showing off their kissing abilities. A bit too wide there, Kyle. And is your whole tongue out Michael? Have some flaming decorum. Jeez.

Taylor was out to impress with a double whammy. If that wasn't enough, he even posted a second pic. This ones a keeper girls. Alex however, will slit your throat if you misbehave, just like how he did with that fish. No but why does he look so happy this is ridiculous lolol

Zack is making a point here. He can catch loads of fish. Real big ones. Maybe the bigger the fish the bigger the penis. I don't know I'm just throwing ideas out there. Either way, he's a show off. No one likes a show off, Zack.

Matt and Greg are really thinking outside the box. 'Fish? Meh, everyone can catch fish. We've caught crabs'. They could also be letting you know they have an STI. I would stay away from Matt and Greg, just in case.

Matthew catches sharks. And turtles. Matthew is basically a psycho serial killer. Report Matthew. 

If any of you guys that have been posted on here come across this blog, please don't sue me. Well you can, I don't have much money anyway.