Things Get Ugly

I think I'm going to wrap things up pretty soon cause I'm not enjoying this. I'll give it a few more posts then I'm done. I find myself staring into space every time I click publish, looking at the time and realising an hour has passed. I can't put things behind me if I'm writing about it all the time. I'm carrying a lot of negative energy. I'm angry. If people thought I had road rage before they should see me now. I'm surprised I haven't been dragged out my car. I can't think about anything else. I go over things over and over and over again. Replaying scenarios. My blood boils.

So where do we go from here? I'm done talking about the good times. It's enough. Lets fast forward to when its time for him to leave Tofo.

The night before we had an argument. I apologised. I told him I fucked up. I told him it's the only thing in my life that I regret. His problem was that I hadn't said enough. My apologies felt empty to him.

Right.

Lordddd help me keep my composure in these next few posts. I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to explain things without saying too much. I keep myself to myself, I don't like people knowing my business, so for me to be writing all this on the internet is just a little bit crazy. I'm taking some comfort in the fact that the people who're reading this are probably strangers. I don't think this will be constructed well, I'm going to type without thinking and hit publish without reading it over. If I do I'll definitely change my mind and delete this blog altogether.

Okay.

Let's rewind to a couple days before when we were laying down on the beach at night. My head was resting on his chest and I had my back to him. I asked him what he was thinking and he said,
'Nothing, what you thinking?'
'Figuring out how I can make you happy.'
Pause.
'I don't have the answers though. Could you help me out?'
He replied with 'I don't have the answers either' then said something along the lines of 'what would make you happy?'
'Do you have a time machine so I can turn back time?'
'What would you do different?'
All I could manage to say was 'not lie to you'.

Then I was in tears. If I had said anything else I would've choked on my words. We laid there for a while, and the whole time tears were coming down my face. He couldn't see my face, fair enough, but any normal person would sense when a person is crying. I'm not saying he's not normal, what I'm trying to say is when a person doesn't want to know or believe something, the human brain blocks it out. He doesn't want to believe it, so it's not happening.

I cried three times in Tofo. Three. In what world do empty apologies come with tears?

Cheeky pic to lighten the mood

Okay, so now he's left Tofo.

The morning after I was a mess. I saw he left the bracelet I got him and I went into panic mode. It felt so final. I cried before breakfast, I cried after breakfast, I cried before lunch, I cried after lunch... You get the picture? I cried for the whole day. It got to the point where I packed my suitcase. I sat on the edge of the bed for about two hours thinking.

Do I forget the rest of my trip and go back to Maputo to try fix things?

Where will I stay?

Will he forgive me?

Is it going to be pointless?

Do I fight?

Do I let go?

I was going out of my mind. I messaged him and asked him to give me something to hold onto, to tell me that he would hear me out when I was done with my trip. He said he'll hear me out even though he knows I'll have nothing to say. I was okay with that. It was something. It calmed me down. I kept thinking if this last week was us on bad terms, imagine what life would be like if we were fine. It would be a fairy tale. Life would be perfect. I can't give up on this right? I need to keep fighting right?

Wrong.