Stop Approval Seeking

Your life changes when you stop seeking approval. You stop caring what others think. You stop tiptoeing around people. You can finally breathe.

Changing yourself to meet someone else's expectations never ends well. You can only keep up for so long. Play pretend. Phony conversations. Change the way you dress. The way you talk. For what? In the end you gain nothing. All you've done is based your self worth on someone else.

I did this once. I fell for this guy and I tried to modify myself into what I thought he wanted. Suddenly I was a nun that basically had no sexual relations in the past. I tried to deaden my personality in case I looked too wild. Put my phone on silent in case it rang one too many times.

Cause God forbid it was a male human calling. Why do you have so many guy friends? Why can't you be like the other girls? None of my friend's girlfriends are like you. Blah blah blah.

And sometimes I'd have a few drinks and let loose. Dance. Laugh. Give piggyback rides. Yes, piggyback rides. Hell, he'd even enjoy himself. But then the next morning he'd call me a 'party girl' and stare at the ceiling for two hours wondering what he'd gotten himself into.

I didn't help myself. I was pretending to be someone I'm not, which then turned into telling lies, which then made him doubt me more, which then made me lie more for him to believe I was the person I wasn't.

Pretty fucked up right?

If I hadn't been seeking his approval to begin with, I could've saved us both a lot of pain.

And it doesn't matter if we're talking lovers, friends, parents or colleagues. I understand that sometimes it gives you satisfaction to have someone liking you. Or being proud of you. But that feeling is temporary and soon enough you'll be searching for your next fix. Instead of looking for approval in others, look for value instead. Value means more than approval. When you're valued, you're appreciated as you are.

Back in college I picked subjects that I hated to make my mum happy. If I wasn't going to be a doctor, I would've ended up becoming a broke stripper that smoked crack for breakfast. That's probably what she thought anyway. But I ended up bunking most lessons and had siesta's during my exams. I wasted a year of my life trying to make my mum happy. And in the end she only ended up more disappointed.

You see where I'm going with this?

After that year I gave myself a break and went to London School of Beauty Therapy. I had no intentions of becoming a beauty therapist but I had fun. My mum nearly had a heart attack but she got over it.

Last week I had an interview at Queen Mary to get into Dental Therapy and Hygiene. Oldest medical school in England and Wales. Ranked 1st. More than 600 people applied and they only invited 70 for the interview. Little old me was one of them.

Didn't turn out to be a stripper after all. Or a pauper. Crack for breakfast though..

That was a joke.

The more you force something, the more it has a negative effect. It's like forcing like poles of two magnets together and trying to make it stick. The harder you try, the more it repels. I learnt that the hard way. Don't try and be someone's archetype. Be you. You'll turn out better for it. I'll never make that mistake again. Because I'm pretty fucking fantastic just the way I am. If you don't like it, you know where the door is. Here, I'll even hold it open for you.

Don't trip on your way out.

The Ball Is In Your Court

How would you feel today if you woke up next to someone who brought you joy? Someone you find peace in. Someone who makes you smile the very second you open your eyes. Someone whose existence lightens up your day and puts a fire in your belly. To make you want to do more. To be more. What would you do if you woke up today, feeling that way?

Would you do a big stretch and yawn and smile at the rising sun? Would you sing in the shower as you get ready for work? Smile at a stranger and say good morning, just because? If you were in love today, would you fall to your knees and thank God to see another day? Would you count your blessings and be grateful for come what may?

What would you say if I told you, you could feel this way. That you could be in love without the need of someone else. What would you say if I told you, if you want to be in love then you can be in love. That you could fall in love with the way the wind blows through your hair. Fall in love with the trees, the moon and the sun. Fall in love with the earth below your feet. Fall in love with every breathe you take. Fall in love with cancelled plans, with binge watching shows on Netflix, with sheer boredom. Fall in love with a stranger in the queue at the grocery store. 

If you want to be in love but wake up on your own, don’t fret. Because you can feel those things and be in love by yourself, with yourself. All the things you would do for them, do for you. 

If you don’t know where to start, start by smiling at people walking by. Start by greeting strangers with a warm ‘hi'. Start by seeing the beauty in everything. Start by paying more attention to things that make your heart sing. Plan a spontaneous holiday, go on an adventure, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers, stuff your face with cake, go on a solo coffee date. 

Start by falling in love with the little things. The small details. The commute to work. The short tea breaks. Start by falling in love with the weekdays as well as the weekends. Stop wishing your life away, wishing for the next day you have time off, wishing for your next holiday. Fall in love with now, with this very moment, with today.

So if you want to be in love, be in love. Life really is too short. Maybe being in love isn't about anyone else at all. The ball is in your court. 

I Saw A Fortune Teller

I need to tell you guys the backstory on why I even went to a fortune teller. I've never believed in them, I thought they always said generic things that people can normally relate to. Or things that will happen in the future that could happen to anyone. Like, oh you will get pregnant in the next ten years. Cheers oh great woman of the future. I would have never guessed.

So do I believe in them now? Not quite. I'm not sure. But this lady definitely creeped me out.

A few months ago, my stepmum went to this fortune teller. She told her that her daughter will do well in school and get good grades. Go to uni, get a good job and be successful. You know, generic things. But then she looked down at my stepmum's stomach.

'There's something wrong below your stomach', she said.
'No there's nothing wrong.'
'Something is wrong and it will give you problems in the future.'

So my stepmum got paranoid. She went to her GP and lied that she had pain in her stomach so they would refer her to get x-rays. They went back and fourth for a few weeks until the doctor finally authorised a referral. She went for an x-ray and they saw there was something covering half her womb and ovaries. They couldn't figure out what it was, so they sent her for an MRI scan. The scan showed that there was something there, around ten centimeters long, but they still didn't know for sure what it was. It could be a huge cyst, or it could be something cancerous. All they knew was that it had to come out.

She now has an appointment for a hysterectomy to remove her entire uterus and also to remove her ovaries.

This thing had been growing for years and she had no idea. How crazy?

So hearing that, I wanted to go too. Just you know, out of curiosity. My stepmum called her up and arranged it.

It was done at her house. She took me to a private room, lit incense sticks and candles. Super creepy shit. She made me drink a thick coffee and told me to leave some of it at the bottom of the teacup. Then she laid out tarot cards. Here's what she told me..

You're completely changing as a person. This year is going to be amazing for you, a lot of changes are going to take place and it's going to open a lot of doors for you. Something big is going to happen soon, something that requires documents. I know you're nervous for it but you shouldn't be. You may or may not get the answer you want but don't worry, cause even if you don't get a 'yes' there's going to be new opportunities that will come to you. 

Okay, she was right. So far this year really has been amazing for me. I have an interview soon for something. Something huge that I've been waiting for a long time. She started off spooky but it gets worse..

I'm seeing someone by the name of... Hamid.

Bruh. That's my housemate. I swear my jaw dropped.

He's very close to you and he loves you like a big brother. He really cares about you. He has some friends but he is lonely. He doesn't have any of his family close to him and he misses them. Something is going to happen and either he will move out, or you will move out. 

How did she know this?!

You don't sleep well. There's always something on your mind. It's like you always feel anxious about something. You try to plan things in your head, thing's about the future. You also think too much about the past. Try and clear your head before you go to sleep. You keep thinking about where you want to be in life. You want to do big things but you're lazy, you need someone to keep pushing you. Stop being like this. 

Erm, has this woman been spying on me?

Your mum is a strong woman. You look up to her a lot, she's your role model. I want you to know that she thinks about you everyday. 

I wanted to cry at this point.

You have two people in love with you. You're not sure about one of them, but the other one will bring you happiness. You two are going to live a long life together. 

Wrong. Probably more than two people. None of them will bring me happiness. Sorry.

Someone is going to be pregnant soon, a close friend or relative. It's going to bring a lot of joy in your life.

I don't believe this one either, but you never know I guess.

You loved someone a lot in the past, but he hurt you and broke your heart. You're scared to trust anyone else. You need to stop worrying about who else is going to hurt you. Don't worry, a good man is coming.

A lot of people can relate to this one too so whatever, next.

You have a friend that's close to you but doesn't want what's best for you. Stop telling everyone your secrets. Some of the people around you are jealous of you. 

She started off well but it just went downhill from there. My friends are amazing and no one is jealous of me. She said a few more generic things that I won't get into mostly because I've forgotten them. But yeah, that was spooky. The fact that she actually named my housemate was crazy. Are these people witches? How the hell did she know that?

I'm still not sure whether I believe in fortune tellers or not. But real or not, this lady was good at what she did. Maybe she's gifted. Maybe she has some sort of sixth sense. Who knows..

If you're reading this, wish me luck for my interview please. Luck, prayers, voodoo, anything. I need all the help I can get.

Thank you!